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The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness
- by Miriam Kaufman, M. D., Cory Silverberg, and Fran Odette
$16.95
ISBN 1573441767
available through
Amazon
Reviewed by Valentina Bonnaire
(06/23/04)
One of the most beautiful sex scenes I ever saw in a film was during my
training to become a psychotherapist. The man was physically disabled,
and the woman wasn't. Once he left the wheelchair and got into bed
with her, the sex they had together was so glorious, it rivaled any I
had ever seen before. I saw the love blossoming between that couple in
the way they touched and communicated with each other. He was
paralyzed from the waist down, so he used his forearm to bring her
to orgasm. In the same series of films, there was an elderly couple who
made love like a pair of little birds, just kissing. Although they
weren't having "sex" in the way we might traditionally think about it,
all people need human love. Nothing connects and heals us like the
power of touch.
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability is an extraordinary book, not just for disabled people, but for
everyone. The authors set out to address a population living
with "a wide range of mobility, sensory, environmental, developmental,
cognitive and psychiatric disabilities," but the book contains a wealth
of material about sex itself and what it means to us as human beings:
issues of intimacy, self-esteem, body image, desire, identity. In many
ways it is a modern day primer on sexuality, and a workbook full of
exercises to help people explore their feelings about sex and self.
"Sexual independence is an extremely potent form of empowerment. It is
our belief (and our personal experience) that by exploring our
sexuality, by deciding that we are worthy of feeling pleasure and of
realizing our possibilities as sexual beings, we can change other parts
of our lives as well."
Take a look at some of the myths that will be shattered in just
the first chapter:
Myth #1: People living with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not
sexual.
Myth #2: People living with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not
desirable.
Myth #3: Sex must be spontaneous.
Myth #4: People who live with disabilities and chronic illnesses can't
have "real" sex.
Myth #5: People living with disabilities and chronic illnesses are
pathetic choices for partners.
Myth #6: People living with disabilities and chronic illnesses have
more important things than sex to worry about.
"When I was in my twenties, I got engaged to a non-disabled guy. My
family freaked because they couldn't understand what this guy saw in me,
and thought that whatever he saw in me wouldn't last...because how can
someone like me be a good 'wife' to him...especially sexually?"
One of the most powerful parts of this book is the quotes and
vignettes from people across all the various chapters. They help
us to understand what it is to be viewed as "different," when in
reality we are not. We are all human beings, with the same needs,
hopes, dreams, desires, and drives.
"I get the feeling people think that because I am in a chair there is
just a blank space down there."
The book covers the bases of desire, self-esteem, sexual anatomy, and
response -- basic sex education for the disabled, partners, and others as
well. You'll learn all about your body: how to tell what feels like
pleasurable touch, how to read "sensations," how to masturbate, and use
different sex toys.
Communication is the most important thing when it comes to sex, and
everyone can learn from the chapter on it, especially if culture has taught
us to shut that part of ourselves down.
"I had decided that the sexual side of my life was over and had
resigned myself to that. Now at sixty-four, I am in love for the first
time. I met the man on the Internet in a 'chatroom' three years
ago...Before him I'd indulged in cyber affairs with a number of men.
At first I did not tell them I was disabled, as I didn't plan to ever
meet them. That got too complicated. Finally I came out of the
closet...The e-mail response from my future lover was '...and your
point is...?'"
Chapter Six is all about "Sex with Others," and covers everything from
anxiety, location, expectations, spontaneity, timing, and energy, to physical conditions such as: spasticity, incontinence,
ostomies, hypersensitivity, arthritis, cerebral palsy, cystic fibrosis,
diabetes, epilepsy, multiple sclerosis, spinal cord injury, and stroke.
You'll find chapters that cover oral sex, penetrative sex and
positioning, yoga and tantric sex, even SM. The last part of the book
deals with sexual health issues, safe sex, as well as sexual violence,
abuse, and healing. One of the most impressive parts of the book is at
the very end in the "Resources" section. You can view this portion of the
book online through this link.
As the authors state in their introduction: "We hope that this book will lead to
positive changes in the lives of you, our readers, and in turn will
create a ripple effect, building a movement of sexual liberation for
those of us living with disabilities and chronic conditions; for our
allies, lovers, and partners; and, most importantly for ourselves." I
think all of the editors at Clean Sheets thank them for writing
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. It's long overdue.
Additional links to erotic stories with disabled characters:
Sometimes A Great Notion In A Small Town Passes By by William Dean
Second Sight by Ann Regentin
©2004 by Valentina Bonnaire
Reader
Comments
Valentina Bonnaire is a Contributing Editor for Clean Sheets. Her
erotica appears under various noms de plume here,
at the Erotica Readers and Writers Association,
Slow Trains Literary Journal, and in the print anthology From Porn to
Poetry 2. One of these days she will pen "that novel"...
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