Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex
- by Betty Dodson

Reviewed by Rachel Kramer Bussel
(02/19/03)

"Pleasure rules." This is how Dr. Betty Dodson, incomparable masturbation champion and author of the beloved classic Sex For One, ends her chapter entitled "G-Spot or My-Spot?", and it is also the guiding philosophy of her latest work, Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex. Dodson's latest tome is equal parts sex advice and sex memoir, from the wisdom of this 72-year-old PhD who holds forth on everything from sex toys, intergenerational sex, and the clitoris to anal sex, vaginal strength, and sexual coaching. What ties Orgasms for Two together is not so much the specific acts Dodson references as her outlook about sexual passion and male and female pleasure. Dodson is adamant that the clitoris is womens' "primary sex organ," and that if girls grew up with this knowledge, we would all be happier. She also feels strongly that both men and women can improve their sex lives, health, and orgasms by masturbating alone and with each other and incorporating masturbation and practices learned from masturbation into partner sex.

She also tackles the cultural imperative towards "love" and criticizes "romantic love junkies," differentiating between romantic, marital and erotic love. For Dodson, the push toward notions of eternal bliss is damaging to seeking out greater erotic heights with our partners; love and sex are made to seem inevitably intertwined to the detriment of both. Dodson writes that "the idea of love becomes more real when I remember it's a collection of momentary acts rather than a constant state of grace."

Dodson mixes her professional knowledge with a personal touch, detailing her relationship with 25-year-old Eric Wilkinson as well as her own likes, dislikes, and vulnerabilities. Her tone is personal and knowledgeable, imparting facts gained from her research, anecdotes from workshops and couples she's worked with, as well as autobiographical tales. Often, her points come alive in the more personal moments, when she lets her readers know how she puts something like anal sex into practice. Sometimes, reading abstract descriptions of sexual acts, one can become confused or bored with what might read like a game of naked Twister. But Dodson describes various positions simply, with a thoughtful analysis of their pros and cons, especially with regard to clitoral stimulation.

"Pleasure rules" is not a prescriptive for a single route to orgasms; Dodson rarely says that everyone should try a certain position or routine. Though she clearly has a preference for nonmonogamy, she gives monogamous couples ways to explore their sexuality within their relationships. This book is largely aimed at heterosexual women, but that doesn't mean that Dodson's advice isn't applicable to most people (perhaps save for gay men) looking to learn about better sex. For Dodson, having better sex is not about trying a special technique but about being open and ready to learn. Writing about her feelings of jealousy towards her lover, she also emphasizes the need for sexual exploration as a learning tool: "My saving grace is the knowledge that the best way for any intergenerational partnership to thrive is for the older person not to possess the younger one sexually -- Eric is just starting out on his sexual journey -- I want him to enjoy a varied sex life with women of all ages."

Dodson's views are visionary, even revolutionary, all the more so for a woman in her '70s. It's a rarity to hear from a woman who is so open about her active sexuality well into her later years; Helen Gurley Brown, whose messages I find old-fashioned and irrelevant for the most part, is the only other one who comes to mind. It's incredibly affirming to know that as we age we do not have to lose our sexual allure or passion, and Dodson's own example in this book is one to be admired. She is constantly trying to relate to others, whether it's the women who invite her to teach them sex tips at a bachelorette party or her fellow sex educators.

Dodson, as one might expect, is very opinionated on female sexuality and pleasure. She is adamantly pro-clitoris and doesn't have much belief in the G-spot, and also doesn¹t have much patience for our culture¹s adoration of a mythical romantic love. That doesn¹t mean, however, that Dodson is against love; it seems that for her the ideal is to incorporate love and caring into a satisfying sexual relationship. While I don¹t agree with her about the nonexistence of the G-spot, I took her hostility to be largely aimed at the cultural onus on finding and enjoying one¹s G-spot. Dodson feels that it's another thing women are told we "have" to do in order to be a "real" woman, and that that pressure does nothing to help women enjoy our bodies. Certainly, for me, having been on the receiving end of lovers who were determined to find my G-spot and make me come at all odds, whether or not I was into it at that moment, lends credence to Dodson's view on this point. Anything that women are told they have to do ­- whether it's wait till marriage to have sex, or on the opposite side, always have vaginal orgasms ­- is foolish and counterproductive. In a way, Dodson does the same thing with her focus on clitoral stimulation, because surely there are women who do not always desire clitoral contact during sex. But because so many women and men are ignorant of how the clitoris works or sufficiently neglect it during sex, I can forgive Dodson for her staunch opinions on the topic.

While Dodson has very firm views on many aspects of sexuality, what¹s most promising in her work is the idea that couples can learn to enjoy each other and sex by working on it and studying it as they would any other topic they're eager to improve on. For her, "the ability to get easily erect," is the first requirement for men to be great lovers, and her solution for those who aren't as up and ready as they'd like to be is "conscious masturbation." For both men and women, Dodson recommends masturbation as a way to get to know one's own body and impart that knowledge to a lover. "One of the most important principles of orgasms for two is the ability to totally focus on what I¹m feeling in my body without any concern for my partner when I¹m on the edge of coming. If it's my turn, I have to be able to seize the moment without any reservations." This mental freedom, which in turn leads to physical freedom and relaxation, is key here to expanding one¹s erotic possibilities and potential.

Dodson's personal revelations about her current and past sex life inform the book and humanize her ideas. They also hold out great hope for incorporating new sex practices into our lives at any age. Dodson relates actively seeking out lesbian and bisexual S/M in her 50s and prolonged periods of solo sex, and it's both slightly jarring as well as refreshing to read about the various stages she¹s gone through in her personal life. Of her current relationship she writes, "The first year we were together I was pumping out orgasms like an automatic weapon (!!)," then goes on to describe off days when her mental desire and physical readiness haven¹t always matched. She goes on to talk about savoring the various erotic feelings her body was producing, whether or not mind-blowing orgasms (or any at all) were including. This constant willingness to reevaluate her sexual expectations is one of the most important lessons Dodson offers.

Those who are already sexually advanced, shall we say, are probably not going to need Orgasms for Two, but there are certainly plenty of women and men out there who can learn from Dr. Dodson's practical and loving approach. Her voice is not one of a scientist or hands-off educator, but from someone who truly cares about womens' sexual satisfaction and believes that more and better orgasms can truly help heal the world, something she has devoted her life work to. Even when I didn¹t agree with several of her points, I appreciated Dodson's outspokenness and her willingness to admit where she's been wrong in the past. Her approach is honest, tested, and, above all, caring, and is a much-needed view of the role sex can and should play in our lives. Her insights into polyamory and jealousy are wise and valuable; for instance, instead of simply writing about the perils of monogamy, Dodson offers several suggestions of things she does to deal with her feelings of jealousy when they crop up. While Dodson clearly has a bias in favor of clitoral stimulation that is immutable, her advice should prove useful to many men and women who are not feeling sexually fulfilled or want even more sexual pleasure in their lives.