by Arijana
(03/07/07)

The atmosphere in the simple wooden hall was relaxed and cheerful, a mood that was so overwhelmingly cheerful that it made me feel isolated. People sat around crude wooden tables with a buffet arrayed in the middle of the room.

I glanced at Lorena, who was sitting beside the small bar, elegant in her tight jeans and a simple shirt. Something in her appearance made her look taller than she actually was. I knew that if she got up from her chair she would look short compared to men surrounding her. Still, she appeared to be towering over all.

She had greeted me quite coldly when we first met. I wished she had shaken my hand and said my name, but she hadn't. I hadn't dared to start anything myself.

I was sitting with Anna. "You see, she doesn't want to look at me at all," I said listlessly.

"Try approaching her, start a conversation, do something," my friend said, pushing me slightly with her elbow. After a while I gathered my courage and walked towards Lorena's table.

"I would like to talk to you," I said.

She stared at me intently for a moment. I turned my eyes to the glass she held in her hand. Brownish liquid with fragments of ice gave a soft glow, almost like her eyes. Then our eyes met and I felt surrounded, embraced with that gaze. But it lasted only for one moment.

"You know very well, girl, that I don't want to talk to you." For a second her eyes went up and down my body. "I hope you can handle that. Go back to your friend."

I went away without a word, disappointed and humiliated. At the bar I picked a drink which looked like Lorena's. I liked the bittersweet taste. Anna put an arm around me. "At least you tried," she said.

Her comfort felt good. I leaned my head on her shoulder. "Yes, at least I tried."

"I never had a chance to ask you. What happened between you and her?"

"We had a major disagreement, while we were still working together. Anyway, nothing really happened between us, except one kiss, back during the summer."

Anna frowned. "I was convinced something did happen...something serious."

"It would have if it weren't for a business deal which went down, and that was my fault. I ruined something that was important to her. She's kept her distance since, strictly business. And we haven't seen each other in person for a while."

"You should have asked her to punish you for your mistake back then," Anna teased.

"I tried, you know. She told me she was so disappointed with me that she didn't want to look at me. She said she had no intention of wasting her time punishing me."

"Come, let's dance," Anna said, and took my hand. Several couples were already dancing. I felt a numbing sadness, almost to the point of crying. I welcomed the soothing rhythm of the music and Anna's hands around my waist.

After a while she put her hand under my top, touching the skin on my back with her fingers. I felt goose pimples and a wave of warmth all over my body. "Please don't do this," I said.

"Why? Scared someone might notice?"

I laughed a little at that. I couldn't care less. Lorena was in the other part of the room, her back turned towards the dancers. "No, not scared. But I like your touch, and you're making me want things I can't have. I don't think I can handle that."

"You can't have it from Lorena, but you could from me. If you want, of course," she whispered into my ear.

"Anna, don't play games. What would your husband say if he heard you?"

"He wouldn't mind at all."

"Oh, I bet he wouldn't!" I laughed.

"I'm serious. I asked him once if he would mind me being with you while he's away and he said it would be OK. He knows I'm attracted to you, and he likes you."

I froze for a moment and looked at her face, completely puzzled. "You planned this?"

"Not really. I was hoping you would end up with Lorena. But we could say that it was a plan B." She laughed for a second, and then looked at me seriously, with tenderness in her eyes.

"I can't believe that," I said, my heart beating faster.

She didn't reply, only pushed her hand deeper under my top. Her touch was soft and hot. I didn't want it to stop. "Did you really mean what you said?" I asked again.

"Yes, I did. Let's go to my room?"

I nodded and let her take my hand and lead me toward the stairs. We passed near Lorena. She turned and looked at us. For a moment I hoped she would say something, would stop us, but she turned back towards her friends.

Anna's room smelled like shampoo. It was warm and the bed was tumbled.

"I'm sorry about the mess," she said with a smile. She sat down on the crumpled sheets and reached for me. "Come here."

I sat down next to her, feeling her warm hands in mine, wanting her touch on my lips and body. She held me gently and kissed me, her lips like milk and apricots. Her hands were comforting, calming -- and arousing -- all at the same time. We took our clothes off and held each other again. I savored the touch of her warm, soft breasts on my own.

I slid my lips down the silky skin of her neck. "Tell me what you like," I whispered. She sighed and held me tighter, her warm breath on my neck.

Her nipples were small hard stones under my tongue. She guided me with voice and hands, whispering words and putting my hands where she wanted them. "Here...a little bit harder...two fingers..." She let me explore slowly. I liked her scent, warmth, silkiness and softness inside. I listened to her whispers and breathing, savoring every sight and touch. I let her fill me up inside, slowly flooding up the space where my emptiness and sadness had been.

Afterwards, her lips and tongue traveled down my body, slowly, allowing me to cherish every second.

We went to sleep holding each other. "I don't want to go back to the party," I whispered.

I was awakened with a feeling of being watched. Lorena stood above the bed, looking at two of us curled into each other. I couldn't see her face in the pale light. "Come downstairs. I want to talk to you," she told me in a low voice. Then she turned and left the room. Anna stretched herself sleepily while I sat on the edge of the bed, putting my shoes on.

"I don't know what she wants from me," I said. "But if she's jealous, I'll be very grateful to you."

"Go, quickly."

I smiled and kissed her cheek. "Thank you so much for tonight." I went out from the room quietly, shivering with anxiousness and joy. Lorena did care, at least a little. With each step, that thought became louder -- she cared enough to come for me.

It was warm downstairs, although the fire had burned out. Lorena brought two cups to the table. "I can't sleep. Have a cup of tea with me," she said. She sat down at the table and took her cup in her hands, looking at me. I sat down and took a sip of the tea. There was no sugar in it, only the strong aromatic taste of mixed herbs. The taste and the warmth felt good.

"How was it?" Lorena asked.

It took me a second to understand what she meant. Then my impulse was to say that I didn't like it. But I chose to be honest. "It was good. I enjoyed it."

She smiled a little bit, just with the corners of her mouth. "I'm glad you did. Anna and you...tell me, was there any domination?"

"Just tenderness."

She nodded. I couldn't decide if my answer meant anything to her.

Then she took another sip of tea, not taking her eyes off me.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked.

She laughed a little. "Why would I be? I'm glad you had a good time."

I shrugged my shoulders. I felt myself blushing, an uncomfortable heat rising in my cheeks. I asked anyway: "Why did you come for me?"

"I told you, I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to be alone."

"How did you know I was in her room?"

"You weren't in your own."

"I'm glad you came for me."

She smiled. There was something in her eyes, something very different from her earlier indifference. That glint made me hopeful. I got down on my knees next to her chair, almost touching her with my body. "You know I wish I was with you, instead of Anna."

She looked at me, smiling almost sadly. "I know."

She touched my face unexpectedly with the palms of her hands, gently. "Only, if you had been with me..." she whispered.

I held my breath.

"There would be welts on your body..."

I closed my eyes for a moment, involuntarily. A wave of bitter excitement went through my body -- a longing for something which could have happened, but didn't.

When I opened my eyes, she was looking at me. Her hands still held my face, but the touch wasn't gentle anymore. Her fingers slid into my hair, then held me with a firm grip.

I sighed. What I felt was almost pain, yet pleasant at the same time. I liked being held so tightly, with both of her hands, while she was looking in my eyes.

"You want those marks?" she asked.

I tried to nod, but she held me too tightly to be able to move my head. I whispered: "Yes."

She loosened her grip slowly and she held me gently again.

"If you come to my room now, I won't give you any pleasure. I will only hurt you. Is that what you want?"

I was shivering. Again I whispered, "Yes."

The hard grip in my hair was back, harder than before and making me whimper.

"Do you know what that means?" She looked deep in my eyes, waiting for my answer.

"I'm not sure."

She withdrew her hands and reached for her tea. "Go have a shower, then wait in my room."

It sounded so perfectly and beautifully simple. I got up. "Which number?"

"Eleven," she answered. She was holding her cup with both hands, her body stiff, as if she were cold. She didn't look like a woman who wanted to hurt me, she looked like someone who needed to be held and comforted. In one brief moment I wanted to go back and put my arms around her.

I washed off every physical trace of Anna's touch. I thought of her, hoping she was soundly asleep. And then I wondered why I wanted to be hurt by that other woman more than I wanted to be caressed by Anna. I didn't even try to find an answer.

Lorena's room was at the end of the corridor and slightly smaller than Anna's. There were bunk beds with bedclothes set only on the lower one. I took my clothes off and folded them on the upper, empty bed.

Lorena didn't tell me what to do, but I assumed she wanted me to wait for her naked and on my knees. I knelt on the carpet, facing the door, waiting for sounds from the corridor. I felt a slight numbness -- that strange sensation of being woken up in the middle of the night when a part of you wants desperately to go back to sleep. I waited for Lorena, trembling.

She opened the door slowly. I watched her enter and step toward me. She looked pleased. I thought how tall she appeared when I was on my knees.

I felt the sensation of being touched and held tight, moments before she put her hands on my shoulders. She took me by my upper arms and pulled me up on my feet. A second later I was looking at her face, illuminated by the bright light coming from ceiling. She pulled me closer. For one long, magical moment, I was hoping for a kiss. But she just looked into my eyes and pushed me back down.

I was kneeling in front of her again, breathing deeply.

I watched as she unbuttoned her belt and pulled it from her jeans. She folded it in half and touched my face with it. I felt the smooth leather, warm from her body. I wanted it so bad: I wanted to be beaten by her. Yet at the same time I was hoping nothing would happen.

"Lie down, face and chest to the floor," she told me in a low voice.

I obeyed, feeling the rough fabric of the carpet. Instead of feeling exposed and helpless, I felt detached, severed from my body. The first blow brought me back to reality. It hurt, and I wanted it to. I also wanted it to stop. I wanted to disappear, to melt away, my hands curled in fists, locked into the coarse fibers of the carpet. I wanted to take it, but not because the pain was erotic. Not because I enjoyed the submission, or because I wanted to prove something -- to her or to myself. It was because I knew it was the only thing I could get from her. I wanted it to stop, but I also welcomed it with a desperate desire.

Somewhere halfway through, my body remembered that it was able to cry. Silent whimpers came first, followed by hard sobs. I was able to make my body be still, but I couldn't stop it from crying. My tears felt more humiliating than the position I was in.

When she stopped, the waves of pain subsided slowly. She pulled me to my knees by the hair. I watched her hands while she unbuttoned her trousers and pulled them down along with her underwear. She spread her legs a little and held my hair again, gentler than before.

She pulled me closer. "I guess I don't have to tell you what I want from you," she said. "But go and turn the light off first. It hurts my eyes."

I walked to the switch on the wall and came back in darkness, aware of the warmth and scent of her body, and of my own desire to please her. I tried to memorize her scent and taste, wanting it to take as much time as possible. I thought that small insects must feel that way when they find their flower, when their small minds become flooded with that single desire.

It didn't take long. Lorena was very aroused -- aroused by what she had just done to me. After she came she pulled away, watching my face in the half darkness. Her naked belly and tights were outlined in the timid light, contrasting the dark fabric of her shirt

She sat on the bed. "Wipe your face," she told me.

I hadn't realized that my cheeks and chin were sticky with her juices. I wiped it off with my palm, mechanically, looking at her. I became aware that my knees hurt.

She took her jeans off slowly. "Hand me my pyjamas, they're in the wardrobe on the top."

There was something calm and intimate in the soft fabric under my palms. I couldn't tell the colour: the room was a monochromatic world of yellow and grey.

I saw outlines of her breasts, only a glimpse before she put her pyjamas on. I reached for her jeans and folded them. The smooth denim still held the warmth of her body. "Put my clothes in the wardrobe," she said. "And come here."

I knelt close beside her, my naked breasts touching the fabric covering her knees. I wanted her touch, her embrace, the warmth of her body, the smell of her hair, her hands around my shoulders...She put her palms on my cheeks, very gently, and kissed my forehead. For a moment I felt enfolded with that touch, despite of its superficiality.

"Now go and get some sleep, it's very late. I won't be seeing you tomorrow because I'm leaving early."

I felt I was sinking. The carpet I was kneeling on became porous; my knees felt like sand. Her hands withdrew from my face.

"It you want me to, I can get up with you, I'll make you coffee and walk you to the bus station?" I whispered. But I knew the answer already.

"I don't want to see you tomorrow." The tone of her voice was soft, but indisputable. "And don't try to call or contact me."

Although I knew I was physically in the same place, I had an impression of floating away. As if I became melted, extracted from my body -- I was sliding, unstoppably, away from her.

But Lorena was the one to move away first. She lifted the covers and put her feet up, settling into the bed. She turned on her side and clenched her body under the sheet, turning her back to me.

I got dressed and left the room quietly. I stood in the corridor, blinking under the lights. I couldn't decide where to go.

It would have been nice to go back to Anna, to lie next to her and feel her warmth. To tell her that Lorena didn't want me anymore, and to cry it out in her arms. I imagined her holding me, touching the marks on my body. Lorena's marks. But I decided I didn't want to share those marks with Anna. I went to my room and settled under the smooth, unused sheets with my clothes on. The room was cold, because I had forgotten to turn the heat on in the evening.

I lay with my eyes open, staring into the dim light. I could still taste Lorena on my lips. I unbuttoned my trousers and felt the welts with my fingers. My skin was warm and sensitive. I hoped the marks would last, at least for a couple of days. I closed my eyes, letting the minutes go by. I knew Lorena was lying in her room, not more than ten meters from me. Although we were both still, I knew we were still sliding further apart.

I imagined her alone, unable to sleep. I wanted to go to her, hoping that despite what she had said, she wanted me. But I didn't dare to do it. I closed my eyes and let the long night pass.

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