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Clean Sheets-ology March 2007 Forecast
by Nola Summers
(03/01/07)
The March 3 Lunar Eclipse plunges the light of the full Moon into darkness: who are you gonna be getting up from under when the Moon peeks out the other side? Mercury gains forward motion again on March 7th so all those little battery-powered gadget problems should be solved. In the future you should think about upgrading a model or two, boys and girls -- yeah, that's right; all you boys, too. The Spring Equinox arrives March 20 and once again provides a perfect balance of good and evil, light and dark. The key here is that it's a perfect time to be your other half. Let your "inner" other side just be; maybe it should be renamed "take it in the ass day" so everyone gets a feel for what that's all about. Failing that, you can just reverse positions. The illusive energy of Mars Conjunct Neptune on March 25th will find you doing what feels right for someone else. Don't think of it as "just" doing them -- think of it as doing someone all the way right. Pluto is Retrograde from March 31 to September 7. The urge to get rid of may be followed by the urge to fill the hole...hmmm...hole filling...everyone should spend some time thinking about that one.
Aries (March 21 -- April 19) Goodness gracious -- are you going to toss out that "who me" veil you wear? You love to be the center of attention and really wouldn't mind being the one trussed up and hung from the support for all to see, and stroked, and spanked a little...yes you should stop pretending to not like that as well...oops, you didn't come already did you...and the month's just begun. You never know what's coming so rest up and eat well so you're ready to go. (You already came, remember?)
Taurus (April 20 -- May 20) If the bed you want to occupy is already occupied, then look for another bed. Dispense with the "they should have been mine," or "I was gonna have that," or "they really want me." If any of those were true you'd be three fingers deep in that ass right now; which -- take a look at your hand -- you're not. So, go find someone else and stop going over what isn't going to be. You need to focus on where you want to go and should use all of your old dirty tricks to get there.
Gemini (May 21 -- June 20) You scare people sometimes because you seem to know what's going on in their heads; especially when you call and say "you're not touching yourself are you?" when they're in the process of lubing themselves up for a little after-shower self-loving. Sometimes you're ahead of yourself and give others the cold shoulder for something that hasn't come up yet. On occasion this causes them to invite someone else under the covers because you're giving them the cold shoulder. Now you think you're extra smart in a told you so kind of way. Except now you're the only one not getting it. Think about that for a minute or two till you're able to make the connection.
Cancer (June 21 -- July 22) Have you ever looked around a room and thought that everyone in there was cuckoo for cocoa puffs? But you're in the room -- with the cocoa puff people -- so does that make you...? When you went with them, you were intrigued by what might happen, and now that it has, you're not sure you want to be included; it's far too oily and slippy. That fantasy of watching your partner with someone else was better in your head...and...and...are they doing it on your new jacket? Well, once you get on out from whoever's riding who, you can, when the subject comes up say you've been there and you didn't like it...you came, but you didn't like it...
Leo (July 23 -- August 22) Oh, you are sooo comfortable in this situation. You don't really want to be here but you're far too comfortable to make the effort to leave. You want them but not in the "take me now" way you did before. Maybe you need a change of scenery instead of partners. Why don't you hold yourself (literally if you feel like it) to only making out in your car? Or on the floor or during a two-minute commercial. Then maybe it won't seem so boring when they run you a bath, dry you with their tongue, and make slow deep love to you for an hour...or so. Make an effort to be there in body and mind; taking care of the wet spot is always, always a good place to start.
Virgo (August 23 -- September 22) Sometimes you work in tandem -- other times there are clear lines about whose turn it is to come. If one of you messes up the order of things it can throw a wrench in the works. Do not utter the words "You always get to come first." Use a little class -- suggest that you start ahead of them if they have so much trouble waiting for you. If the "I wish I was on vacation" slump is getting you down -- turn up the heat and have a topless beach party in your living room -- wear swishy Hawaiian outfits, funky coconut shell bras and drink things with stupid little umbrellas in them...then invite someone to play hide and seek in your long grass skirt. Or simply invite someone to play.
Libra (September 23 -- October 22) Oh my goodness -- they're very, very vocal. You know the kind that start moaning and groaning and squealing and screaming before you even really get going. Now that you've got over worrying about what the neighbors three floors up are going to think, you realize that you kind of like it; proof positive that you are exactly as hot as you think you are. You may have to fuck them a time or two, and wear them out so they go to sleep; or go for the rear entry, "Just put your face in this pillow, honey," to quiet things down a bit. You might eventually tire of all the ruckus, but for now it's a bit of a blast. They do say that there's nothing quite like a good set of lungs.
Scorpio (October 23 -- November 21) You might be thinking and moving on the fly this month -- try to sort out the new and improved from the simply new or the simply improved. Sometimes it's in the way you do things differently that the answers are revealed. Maybe you don't ever come that way, but if you move that hip bone an inch higher and that thigh bone an inch to the right all of a sudden you're coming like it's the first time ever -- which it may be. The key is deciding what needs to change to get you what you want -- is it them -- or the way they do what they do to you?
Sagittarius (November 22 -- December 21) It's a changeable kind of a month for many signs -- you included. You can get and listen to all the advice that you want on whether you should or should not kick someone to the curb. Remember, what you're listening to is the experience of someone else -- it counts for something but it's not your experience and may have nothing to do with where you are right now. You've heard that old adage about not kicking them out of bed for eating crackers -- and you shouldn't; unless they were eating them with your sister, or, you know, actually eating your sister -- in your bed. You tend to go off half-cocked at the best of times so hold on to yourself a little longer and make the right decision.
Capricorn (December 22 -- January 19) Capricorn this month is actually opposite of everyone -- you want to take a rest and there's none more deserving. You've been working your little tongue and a finger or two right to the bone; go get a pillow, put your feet up and let someone else do all the dirty work. Although it's entertaining to listen to, try not to get caught up in the verbal and mental to-ing and fro-ing that makes up many days. When they're describing the exact tilt of the cock from cubicle two expect that the mole shaped like Italy will be up for retelling as well...it's on the left one isn't it?....Oh no he didn't; oh yes she did.
Aquarius (January 20 -- February 18) Our Water Bearer is also dealing with the issue of change for this month. Sometimes coming up from under a cold winter to the warm days of spring makes us want to get out there and do it up big. Shave your head and dye your pubic hair -- or -- did you mean to dye your hair and shave...? If they can't keep up with you, then cut them a break. Get them to help you -- many hands make light work. Put your hand on their hand and both of you can work that pussy...my, that didn't take long, did it? I think we're done here.
Pisces (February 19 -- March 20) You guys are just so warm and wet...and lovely. Take a look around at what is in your little universe. Are there issues, people, relationships that you've been neglecting? If so, try to reconnect. If you make the move and it's too late to repair, then do this -- walk away but hold that head up...they're not all that. But if they were all that, then get down on your knees, and offer your remorseful bare ass up for a spanking. If it's still too late after that -- then walk away. Don't forget your underpants -- the bare ass walk away is not the last thing you want them to see.
©2007 by Nola Summers
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Nola Summers combined honest-to-goodness research with time spent on her back gazing at the heavens, and came up with a few ideas of her own on the sexual ins and outs of our individual astrological signs. Her work is never-ending, as the stars and planets continue to move across the sky pulling unsuspecting lovers in their wake. She is a Contributing Editor and Astrologer for Clean Sheets and a Staff Writer for Pulp Magazine. You are invited to visit her MySpace space and her Web site.
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