by Nicolas James Hampton
(07/06/11)
I knew a guy once. Said he put his toe up some girl's vagina. "What a strange act," I said. Upon further discourse, it seemed the woman who received his appendage held similar feelings. "That's one in a million," I said.
Now, me never being one to hold my tongue, every once in a while I'd tell this same story to complete strangers. It got a lotta laughs. And awkward silences. After a while I started asking these silences, "Out with it, what's so awkward?" Those that broke usually came out with a similar story that they themselves had experienced. Wow, I thought, talk about the left of left fields.
I mean come on, how many toefuckers can there really be? By now the silent had spoken almost every time I told this story, so the verdict was in. Sometimes people fuck with toes. It was that one song everyone sung around the campfire that was just a little too racy for the radio. Everyone had heard it, and though few knew the words, those that did felt the truth in every line. One in a million.
But what does that mean? I mean, there's roughly seven billion people in the world from what I hear, but who has time to keep track? People are fucking everyday. Wait. They're all fucking. All seven billion of 'um, give or take the odd asexual Morrissey. With numbers like those, one in a million adds up to a lot of toefucking toefuckers. Dear God, it's a pandemic.
Or just an option. Maybe not a very desirable one to most, but nonetheless, one that's taken millions of times each day. The toefuckers are propagating. I guarantee a toefucker is in your midst. They walk amongst us. A toefucker cell is growing in your town. Call the National Guard.
But I guess toefucking is just a part of life. Not that we talk about life much. I imagine word getting out to Diane Sawyer about the rising trend of toefucking, and the dangers of mutant strains of athlete's foot we have no known treatment for running rampant throughout the Midwest. All public baths are being tested to stem the walking threat. The department of Homeland Security has been made aware. Gynecologists across the country are being sent to podiatrist workshops in an effort to find a cure. Stay tuned next week for an all new Barabra Wa-Wa special, where she'll take us into the lives of the lost depraved individuals the nation has come to know as 'toefuckers.' Next, on "Friends," Chandler uses 'The Toe!'
But I don't think anyone should waste any time worrying about toefucking. Just people livin' life, I say. I'm sure some odd couple out there is finding pleasure beyond your wildest dreams in the random insertion of big toe up the snatch. That's the way it goes, man. People use toes. Don't lose any sleep over it, unless you're into that sort of thing. From what I know, you're not alone.
