by Adrianna de la Rosa
(03/05/03)
There are consequences when you have an affair. You do not know what
these will be. We were so very much in love, and our letters to each
other were our treasures. There are so many, a hundred or more, that I can't look at now. He was
the only person on earth who really knew the inside of me. He wanted to know me in that intimate kind of way that no man ever had
before. Our letters were a running dialogue between a man and a woman. We never left anything unsaid, no matter what.
It was impossible then to think that someone this important to me could ever be gone. I took things for granted, dancing around inside a persona called Adrianna de la Rosa. Because I was so lonely, so lonely and I needed love so badly that I
just grasped for it like grabbing a brass ring and I flew, flew, flew before the music stopped midstream. Without thinking that there might be consequences. Without thinking that the very worst thing might happen. We both tried to write up new realities for ourselves. But really, we weren't Valdez and Adrianna. We were ordinary mortal humans.
My darling Adrianna,
No one will ever love us the way we love each other. And that's a fact.
We have been totally naked with each other; body, mind, and soul, and that is
a trust. One that so few people ever have. A monarch flits aimlessly
about the yard, maybe a bit confused on its way to South America. A young
hummingbird sits on a branch and tries to wipe the pollen and nectar from
its beak. Little Lucky lays on my foot fast asleep, and I remember you and I
bringing him into the world. And you saying "He is little lucky."
A brace of pelicans glides west, and the islands are an outline in the mist,
and I wish you were here to see. The mockingbirds didn't sing much this
year, for whatever reason I am not sure. But they have brought their young
into the backyard to teach them to hunt. It has been a good year for
cats and kittens. Too good, I think.
A soft breeze blows through the open bedroom window, the kittens have
come out to play, and I hear the ten o'clock freight. And I wonder if you
hear it too. Little Lucky climbs my
leg to sit in my lap for a bit, and then onto the table. He sits there and
looks at me with those little blue eyes and his tail curled about him.
This story could be called "The Little White Room," or the last day of
freedom. Or stepping stones. September the 10th. We took each other's
hands and walked to the far end of the garden. Back where the
chrysanthemums bloomed and the lotus blossoms stood tall and the pink
flowers of the water lily floated on the surface.
We went from one stone to the next, you and I; a walk through the
garden. We talked and we touched and we wept. We loved and we touched not
just our bodies but our souls as well; our hearts were open and our minds
were free; we could be ourselves. And we are. If what we have had is for
only a year, it is well worth it. I don't ask you to love me forever, just
for a little while. What is more important to me is that you let me love
you.
I have never known a woman who would put flowers in bottles on the wall for
me. Or bring me bulbs to plant in the fall. Or place flowers in a vase
beside my bed. The fragrance I smell in my sleep. I have never had a
woman be as kind to me as you are. And it seems to me that it's not an
effort on your part, that is just the way you are. You touch me in so many
ways I can't tell you. A thought comes to my mind; Please, my love, realize
what a remarkable human being you are.
On days like this I miss you the most. The sky was full of cotton ball
clouds and the islands were clear. And you could just see the tip of
Anacapa. Every window and door in the house is open and the sea breeze
flows through, bringing with it the scents of the yard and the sea. A hawk
glides over the big yellow house and settles in my pepper tree. A black
and white cat called Everest climbs my leg and settles in my lap. And then
it climbs up and settles on my shoulders. I can feel its warmth against my
neck and I love this little cat. And do you know what? I am a full grown
man and shouldn't be sensitive to this shit, but somehow I am.
And soon there will be fourteen candles on the stone. And what is it that
makes us love each other so much? I want to know. If I knew that, maybe I
could make some sense of it. But for now I just have to settle for the
fact that I am loved. And that's just fine with me. Everest is curled up
on my shoulder asleep as I write to you. She places in me a great deal of
trust and I will never betray that, even if she is only a cat.
I want to sit in a chair beside the bed and watch you sleep. I want to
feel myself enter you and hold you close. I want to see that blush that
comes to your shoulders and face. I want to see the wetness in your eyes
when you look at me. I want to smell your hair and feel your wetness. And
there would be those who would say to you "Christ, he can't even spell."
"True." And what would you say to them?
You ask me, what are we going to do? And I have to say to you, I don't know.
But I am one with you heart, body, and soul. There is no way, no way at
all that I can tell you how much I love you. And if you didn't want it, it
wouldn't mean anything at all. But let me tell you what it means to me
when I hear you say "I love you." But no, I can't, there are no words
powerful enough to describe what I feel. So I look at the flowers in the
bottles on the wall. And in the vase beside the bed. And look and listen
to the little things that run through my head. And they all say to me "I
love you." And so, and so again you ask me "What are we going to do?"
Well my darling, for the time being, let's just take the time to plant a few
flowers and listen to the mockingbird sing. It is fall now, my love, and
only the gods know what will come with spring. Our love will last for so
long as we both shall live, only the circumstances will change.
I am unto you as I am unto myself
Love, Valdez
Man in the Moon is a continuing series.
Man in the Moon
Man in the Moon: 2 Baths
Man in the Moon: Lace
Man in the Moon: Gazing
Man in the Moon: Valdez
Man in the Moon: Naked
Man in the Moon: Lipstick
Man in the Moon: Beds
Man in the Moon: Clouds
Man in the Moon: Evidence
