Runner-up in the Sex & Politics Writing Contest

The Private Members' Bill

by Lisette Ashton
(10/06/04)

Silence fell on the Houses of Parliament
No one spoke in the room full of men
Until Tony turned to the Chancellor
And said: "Gordon, please say that again."

“I’m putting a tax on folk’s sex lives."
He said it as cool as he could.
“From this moment forth, under my new tax laws,
We get cash each time some bloke gets wood."

The MPs maintained breathless wonder.
All were roused from their usual naps.
They listened – aghast, amazed and in awe -
And defensively clutched at their laps.

“I want tax for every erection,
I want tax each time some guy gets laid.
For each wank, bonk or blow, I want to know,
Then this government‘s going to get paid."

In response there then came an uproar.
Members rounded upon the exchequer.
It was the leader of the opposition who asked:
“Are you putting a tax on my pecker?"

From the din and terrific commotion
Each man struggled to make himself heard.
Some wanted to argue with Gordon’s new law.
Others wanted to call him a turd.

The female MPs all said nothing.
Though they later said it was a shock.
But it sounded that, from what the Chancellor first said,
You could only get taxed for a cock.

One MP asked, “What about gay men?"
His backbenchers gave him a cheer.
But then he sat down, blushing red, with a frown,
‘Cos the PM had called him a queer.

The next question came from a Liberal,
Making himself heard above all.
(It was suspected throughout all of the parliament,
his constituency was very small).

“Will the tax charge increase by the length?" he asked.
“I know that this question sounds silly.
But I shouldn’t pay the same as a man with twelve inch,
When I’ve only got a small willy."

The answer was drowned out by jeering.
The liberal sat down like a fool.
He squirmed in his pants as he listened to chants
About the miniature size of his tool.

But the Chancellor maintained he was adamant.
And he had the support of T Blair.
“Too many men enjoy erection’s for free:
Now the government’s taking it share."

Not that I’ll be protesting this tax law.
In truth, I think it’s quite fair.
‘Cos when I’m filling in my next tax return.
I know I won’t have a thing to declare.