by Gwydion McCarthy
(11/01/00)

A nice man with a flowery tie and a crisp clean white button-down shirt. I am a nice man. But I am thinking about sex while you talk to me, at least for a few moments -- mayhaps I am wondering what you say while you're having sex with your lover, or I'm wondering how you'd look in lacy lingerie (men aren't excluded from this). This doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to ask you out, or make moves on you, or try to get you alone in a bedroom somewhere. For one thing, it's not part of my poly-contract -- right now I'm monogamous with my Belle.

Also, the only way I can ethically allow my mind to roam this way is to put a big boundary on acting on the thoughts I have. So, there I am, thinking about what the bank teller would look like if she were bent, naked, over the marble counter (her nipples cold on the stone), and I'm smiling, but that's as far as it would ever go. I fantasize about all sorts of things, some of which might make you cringe and shiver -- but because of my personal boundaries, I'm not worried about the fantasies.

If I imagine I'm a rapist taking Belle in some alleyway, a knife to her throat, hot semen dripping from her pearly lips, her panties in shreds on the stones, that's just a hot fantasy. I would never want it to happen for real. I quit worrying about my fantasies a long time ago -- this is my definition of normal.

One of the side benefits of constantly thinking about sex is that you develop a wide collection of sexual thoughts, a library of erotic ideas from which to draw. I have developed something of a philosophy of sex.

By exploring the territory of the country that is sex, you have to run over the borders into the adjacent lands of Religion, Power, Fantasy, and Gender. There are a mass of twisty mazes all alike, and you can get lost easily (but I don't think you'll be eaten by a grue).

My editorial this month is to offer to provide you with something of an erotic compass.

To the East (a good place to start, the sun comes up there, right?) is the beginning of sex. Well, all sexual beginnings. This is the place of virginity. People who live to the East of sex are just starting out. There's a lot of talking about sex, a lot of thinking about sex, a lot of reading about it, studying about it, mentally preparing for it. I knew one woman who went to the library and actually researched becoming a lesbian before she tried it the first time. Read every "Dykes to Watch Out For" and even managed to find a book on lesbian flirting and courtship. All of this before finding or even looking for a woman to be with!

If you are living in the East of sex, the benefit is that everything seems new to you, and you don't have to worry about becoming jaded and bored for a while. People return to the East many times over the course of their lives. I know a woman who basically considers herself a re-virgin, as she's gone without sex for many years.

Also, there are major milestones along the sexual road that cause you to turn East. The first time you have sex with someone of your gender. The first time you realize pain turns you on. The first time you experience anal sex (thoughtfully protected, I'm sure!). The first time you swallow come (with your long-term monogamous partner, right?). The first time you fall asleep in the middle of two lovers. The first time you go without underwear on purpose.

There's even a game about people in the East, it's called The Purity Test. There are billions of 'em out there, but the one I point you to is the all-sex purity test (others include drug usage) here. You Sex-Easterners get together and administer the test to each other, you'll love it (you may even get laid).

The downside to the East is that you don't know when you'll make it there. You have no idea where you're going out East, or what will happen as a result. It can drive you crazy. Will you like the feeling of a warm cock in your throat? Will you enjoy the taste of a sweet peachfish? What if you don't particularly like wearing a beaded lace petticoat?

The very first time I had sex, it was in my bedroom at my parent's home. I was very, very nervous, and very anticipatory, and very careful. It took a while to get around to the actual intercourse, and when it happened it was particularly short and unsatisfactory.

The dear virginal girl I was with got a little necklace present from me. I thought that first time would be it for that week, maybe that month. But funny thing! She wanted to do it again. On the floor. In the bathroom. On the kitchen table. In the backyard. In the car. Whew! Imagine a sixteen year old boy saying, "Look, can we do something besides having sex for a change...go to a movie or something?" It can happen -- we moved quickly to the Sexual South (see below).

Sometimes you go East after a time in the doldrums up North or after you get burned-out down South (we'll talk about those in a moment).

Now let's move on to the South. My favorite direction. In the South, you aren't just new to sex, you're passionate about it. You want to go to extremes. You want sex every day, all week, all month, all year, and you expect to have it. You want to go whole-hog. The classic Sex-Southerner is the housewife who one day discovers she likes to be spanked and two weeks later is wearing a leather collar and has given her Master a gym bag full of BDSM equipment, built a dungeon in her basement, and is getting a clit-hood piercing next Wednesday. Over the top, you say? So what! I say.

You turn South sometimes as a result of a trip to the East, or perhaps because of a trip from the West - you've fallen in love (we'll get to that in a moment). South is where you go when it all lines up, when everything (or is that everyone?) comes together. You have the right lover, the right amount of time, the right place, the right everything - and it's all good.

It's true that there are many people out there who never even visit the South. That's a tragedy. I think it should be the law of the land that you should be able to call your boss if everything lines up and say, "Boss, I'm going South. See you next month."

Of course, being South has its downsides. For one thing, there's only so much sex the body can take before it starts to slow down - callouses on spots that shouldn't have callouses, little problems like erectile dysfunction, a refusal to get wet. We are human, after all. Well, most of us are. In addition, this is how people get jaded. For another, we tend to migrate West after a long time in the South. It just happens that way - the lust turns to love, or it dies completely.

West is the direction where the power of sex meets its spiritual source, love. You can go for a long time living in the South and never cry a tear when the games are over, but when you move out of the West, you're basically taking half of your heart with you, and leaving the other half behind.

Still, this is where the best sex ever can be found. A joining of the souls. A realization of perfect love. A deep connection that passes through the mountains, across the oceans, and bounces off the lunar satellite to complete itself. No matter where you go, there you are, touched by the West. It makes the simplest of sex acts into a symphony of eroticism and pleasure. Heck, it even makes cooking breakfast for someone into an erotic ritual.

The waters of the West roar wild (I picture the sea cliffs at La Jolla when I think of this) and run deep. You'll know you're turning West when you have the most beautiful orgasms you've ever had, and you never had to say a word. When your heart fills up whenever your partner's near. When you smile as your lover comes and don't mind going to sleep without your own physical satisfaction. When you get wet, or hard, just by thinking about someone, the West has touched you.

Leaving the West is usually either the slow, cool drying out of the North, or a return to the selfish fires of the South. The downside is that there are usually tears involved in leaving the West for good. Pain awaits you in this part of the country, but not the good kind. The other potential downfall is that everything gets so wrapped up in emotions that you can't have sex if you don't feel absolutely loving and fine. Sometimes it's important to just fuck and worry about sorting out the emotions later.

To the North you have just the pure physicality of sex. This is the rather chilly, lonely part of the sexual country and yet it can be very important. This is where you learn to pleasure yourself. This is where you understand what friction does when properly applied. This is the realm that keeps the fashion magazines busy and the porn Web sites in cash. Raw sex. No passion, just mechanical moving and fucking. Even long-term couples find themselves in the chilly North, endlessly repeating the same sexual formula night after night. It's oatmeal sex, but oatmeal can be very filling and nutritional. Too many people settle in the North, because they don't know any better, or they just have too much or too little going on to venture out. Of course, the upside of the North is that you can do a lot of sexual healing living there - you can get over being raped, molested, and harmed by simply dwelling on the sheer physicality of sex and learning to enjoy the feelings it brings.

Somewhere in the center of the sexual country is a magical place of continuity, an equilibrium of spirit, a place I think we should all aspire to living. We can take a little of all the four directions into our sex lives and make it all work that way. Beware when you are straying too far off one direction, or another, even if it feels good.

Ask yourself, "Where am I?" Have you strayed so far North you can't relate to anyone? Lay off the masturbating for a while, have a conversation with someone, and see what happens. Have you been in the South so long your life is starting to go into the toilet as a result? It's sometimes hard, for example, to be someone's full-time slave and be a master accountant at the same time. Have you gone so far West that you can't get wet if you've just had a fight with your lover? Kiss her, and make up - don't worry about whether you won. Have you gone so far East that you're all anticipation and no experience? What are you waiting for, a rainy day? You gotta start somewhere!

I encourage you to keep track of where you are on your own personal sexual map, and to every so often cross the middle, just to make sure the other directions are still there. May you never be lost, may you never be broken, and may whatever you hold Divine bless you, whatever path you take.