by Nola Summers & Desiree Gardner
(10/31/07)
Dear Summers and Gardner,
I'm an Aries male, born April 11, 1965, in Toronto, Canada. I've had lots of partners in lots of ways -- always women -- but what I want out of sex seems to be changing, and it scares me a little -- not enough to stop wanting it, though. It seems the more pain I get, or can get my current partner to inflict -- the more I want. She's been patient and giving, but I think she's getting a little tired of always being the heavy-hand, because it's not a two-way street. Just the thought of causing her pain -- even when she asks for it -- makes me go soft. It's not that I can't come without pain; I just prefer to come with it. Will it ever be enough?
Pain for Pleasure
Nola: I got back in touch with Mr. PfP to find out what sign his current partner is -- Scorpio, as it
turns out. I don't have any further details re her actual birth date,
time, or place, so it's just a generalized answer to begin with as far as she is concerned.
Scorpios are adventurous and accommodating, and getting you off most likely does get her off
as long as her heart's in it -- or your nipple is between her teeth; she'll be as wet as you are hard.
But what kind of a message are you sending when you ask her to do things for you but lose the
wood when she wants the same thing back? I know this question's got Desiree in a right state,
so I'm bowing out for a bit...
Desiree: Yeah...stand back -- I've got a question or two of my own. Could it be that you have
become a classic masochist, or would you define yourself as a (and I despise the term) "pain slut"? Not likely.
You want what you want the way you want it. You have the fragrance of a DMQ (a Do-Me-Queen). Before
I clutch my pearls, I have a few things to say on that matter. By and large, Do-Me-Queens, and that would be
you dear, are a bit boring. As you readily admit, it is a one way street, and this is usually a giveaway clue.
It is not necessarily that you are into pain so much as you are into the high that comes with controlling
the action in the bedroom, and it has to be focused on you. This does not bring much to the table for
your partner, does it? No, and that is why it is boring or tiring to be your partner.
Nola: She's not tired putting out, she's just tired of always putting out the way you want it,
and the Mars conjuncts Pluto aspect in your chart pretty much supports that. Sex
and the resulting battlefield are very important to you. You want sex regularly and often.
If you're with a partner who has a matching drive, this will work fine. It's the added needs
that might wear your partner out.
D: You also did not specify what type of pain you like to experience, nor did you indicate
the type or intensity of pain. Is it getting more intense or even dangerous? And just what kind of pain
are we talking about here, shugah? Are we talking spanking, flogging, and restrictive bondage, a body
covered with clothespins focused on all those tender bits, blood sports, punching and bruising,
ball crushing with liniment, bastinado, or the searing pleasure of a good old-fashioned caning?
N: Bastinado?
D: Nola...
N: Um...yes?
D: Hand me that cane...no, the other one...take off those darling high heels,
and I'll show you in a minute. Now back to Mr. PfP: What is scaring you? The pleasure from the pain,
the anticipation, having someone inflict pain, or is it fear that in time this will be the only way you'll be able to
come? Or is it that you like the buzz? Personally, I suspect it's the buzz.
N: I love a buzz and apparently PfP does too. He just can't help himself. He's got a
fair number of Mars aspects and the Mars conjunct Uranus one is super-charged. He likes the
excitement of that whole taboo, and when the buzz needs to be buzzier, he's going to move on
to more advanced toys and instruments of pleasure and pain.
D: You see, pain, any pain, is a great way to induce natural endorphins that make
you high and make you slide from pain to euphoric pleasure. This can make orgasms soar into the
stratosphere! I have found that some folks just love the rush they get from pain,
but then you can get the same euphoric pleasure from a nice long run. If it is the buzz, the euphoria
you seek is not the pain per se. If my conclusions are correct, the reason you want it more and
more is that it is becoming addictive. When a person becomes totally focused on his/her own pleasure,
keeps things one-way as you describe it, in time the buzz is all you will want. Not the companionship or
interaction with another partner and the intimacy it affords, but a narrow, focused fix where nothing else matters.
N: Mr. PfP's chart is most....
D: Hold on Nola...you know what else? I suspect your pain parameters are not all that extensive.
Most DMQs are stuck in ruts; they like the same-old same-old over and over again. In this case,
wanting to top from below, meaning controlling all aspects of the pain fetish or obsession.
The operative word here is "control," and it is not about the pain. Now you might end up meeting a woman
who would just love to inflict pain, or let's say "intense sensations," but not necessarily the way you want it.
It will be her way. You like a little spanking while stretched over her lap so you can pump your dick
between her thighs? Oh no, sweetie. She wants to stretch your DMQ ass over the edge of a desk,
make you hold your own dick, and cane you till you scream like a...you fill in the blank. Coming
through pain is a rush for some, and also a badge of honor for others; it makes you feel so alive. A consensual
experience like that might be just what you need. It will help you clarify your motivation for pursuing
this type of sexual release.
N: May I speak?
D: Bastinado, Nola...remember what's coming...but do go ahead while you're able.
N: Thank you...I think. That Mars rests in the 8th house here is indication enough
that his use of sex, and even sex and power, may become confused. So unless he can really get a
handle on this confusion of his as far as how much hurt he needs and how he can get it, what should he do?
D: Well, I do have another idea, Mr. PfP; an even more challenging suggestion
would be to take a sincere and genuine interest in your partner. Be as interested in her turn-ons
as you are in your own. Communicate honestly and clearly and make some sexual experiences all about her.
You may find a deeper ecstasy at the hands of a woman who knows she is appreciated
and desired for her own sexual preferences. And most likely she will make you come in
embarrassing quarts while you are wracked with pain, and all because she wants to, not because you said so.
That could be enough.
N: So what you're saying is that what's missing here is the spiritual level that can
be reached when partners are on the same page as to the giving, getting, and sharing of pain?
D: Yes...and that should be enough for anyone.
N: Okay, so listen up Mr. PfP, spend as much time accepting the gift that giving pain is,
as you do taking it from the giver. We think you should spend a little time thinking about that
the next time you're busy inspecting your ouchy bits.
D: Now...Nola, bring me your shoes and the cane.
N: Am I going to have ouchy bits?
D: Hmm...just the good kind.
