Read the corresponding short story to this article, "Spank Me, Thank Me," by Cynthia Gentry
by David Ramsdale
(03/16/05)
What is "Tantric S&M?" The easy answer, of course, is S&M approached in a tantric way, or performed with a tantric flavor. S&M is itself an unfortunate label. Originally, it was an abbreviation for sadism and masochism, judgmental labels taken from outdated styles of psychiatry.
I think it's more useful to think of S&M as D&S -- dominance and submission -- combined with B&D -- bondage and discipline. What this alphabet soup refers to is something we all understand to some extent from everyday life: the exchange of power. However, I will use S&M here because it is still the most popular label.
In The Happy Hooker, creative yet sophisticated call girl Xaviera Hollander describes famous politicians and other men of power coming to her and wishing to be spanked, fed by bottle, and otherwise treated like babies. The extreme yang of being a domineering leader is flipped over to the extreme yin of being a helpless, irresponsible adult baby. As bizarre as this seems, it was healthy and balancing for these individuals.
The Tao does not move in a linear way. It flip-flops from yang to yin and vice versa whenever the energy in one form reaches a maximum or crisis point. The sexual climax is just such a crisis or climax of energy. Most people will find exploring both Top and Bottom roles quite rewarding. Both roles offer unique pleasures, discoveries, and rewards.
The famous Gestalt psychologist Fritz Perls often characterized human interactions as taking place between a Top Dog person and a Bottom Dog person. He observed that in real life, these roles easily reverse.
S&M sex is sex from the third chakra, the chakra of power with, over, under, and through other people. The third chakra is the interpersonal power or social pecking-order center. It is concerned with rituals, rules, roles, and status, with clearly defining who is Top Dog and who is Bottom Dog. Though the third chakra, associated with the solar plexus, is "higher" in the sense that it deals with a broader spectrum of life and issues, with your place in society as a whole, it is not superior to the lower two chakras.
S&M is a sexually sophisticated study of conflict, duality, and power dynamics. This makes S&M a good study for tantrikas who hide behind weakness, niceness, and passivity; then tantric "surrender" tends to be compromise, a way to stay safe and protect a weak ego. The real-world power games of S&M can bring "tough love" healing to tantrikas ready to stop being victims and embrace the personal power stored in their dark side.
What I discovered from dabbling in this area -- I do not claim to be an expert, but I was lucky to have good teachers -- is that there are two kinds of S&M: traditional and spiritual. Within the domain of spiritual S&M, there are also two popular expressions -- the shamanic and the tantric paths.
In conventional S&M, extreme stimulation is used to bring about a state of intensified release for the Bottom, the so-called "masochistic" half of the D&S equation. For his or her efforts, the Top or "sadistic" half gets the reward of doing their job well. Having topped as well as bottomed, I can assure you that the glory of being dominant and appearing to have control over the very soul of another human being is grossly overrated.
The Top does all the work! He or she has to prepare everything, set up all the toys and supplies, and make sure that it all goes well so that the Bottom does not get hurt. Remember, S&M is about "safe play." When it crosses that line and permanent damage results, then it is neither safe nor play. Done properly, S&M techniques intensify sexual and emotional release. They also promote and deepen the bond between play partners.
In doing spiritual S&M, we choose between the shamanic approach and the tantric style. In shamanism, the goal is to leave the body. The shaman intends to return, as this is not a method of suicide. Based on my research, profound disassociation from the body is key to the shamanic approach. The shaman travels to other worlds and brings back a valuable message.
Both approaches have as their goal attaining high altered states safely and naturally, but tantra does not emphasize disassociation. Instead, it emphasizes awakening the kundalini within the body and allowing this energy to rise, circulate in the body, and uplift the consciousness.
In tantra, you begin by surrendering to your partner as Shiva or Shakti, but you do not end there. You must graduate to surrendering to the Divine Mother Power within you -- the kundalini. When awakened, it may be felt as heat, currents of energy, electricity or other energetic expressions. Or you may just feel bliss, openness, peace.
Do not merely surrender to your partner. If you stop there, perhaps you are feeling love, but tantra says goes further. See beyond their personality to the archetype, the supreme self, they represent. Tantra is erotic love plus meditative surrender plus the union of opposites plus the sacred unknown, a Cosmic X Force that is the sudden lightning strike of enlightenment, the paradox of duality dissolved.
How does S&M help to liberate this mysterious force of nature, the Mother Kundalini?
Often, the kundalini is activated by a sudden life crisis of some kind. Any sort of stress -- it could be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, circumstantial -- can precipitate the awakening of this internal power. Like the classic urban folktale of the mother who suddenly gains superhuman strength and lifts a car to rescue her child, in times of great stress, the Power Within steps forward to help people deal with seemingly impossible challenges.
Tantric S&M intentionally creates and applies a carefully controlled physical stress as a sexospiritual discipline. There needs to be considerable trust between the partners. However, at least at the level of a little spanking, tantric S&M need not be expensive, explosive or dangerous. It can be good, cheap, high-octane fun!
How exactly do you go about conscious spanking? And if you choose to do this, how do you make it specifically tantric?
Let's keep it simple, safe, and easy. The first session will be limited to thirty spanks. That's all. If that sounds like too many, then reduce that number to twenty, or even ten. Who makes this decision? The Receiver or Bottom role-playing person takes that responsibility.
Whatever the Top says is, at best, just a recommendation. The Bottom must know herself or himself well enough to gauge what she can handle and can't handle -- or is in the mood for that day.
If ten spanks is all you want for your first session, or any session, then that's it. You are the Boss, not the Top. It is your body.
The Bottom lies on the bed, couch, or Top's lap with his or her rear exposed. Obviously, you can dress this ritual up as much as you want and ease into it. You can dine by candlelight and dance first. You can spank to the jamming funk of "Give It to Me Baby" by Rick James (which has a distinctive spanking or slapping sound accenting the beat).
The Top says, "Are you ready to receive your spanking?" (Or "...your punishment?" This depends on whether or not the notion of getting punished inspires deeper release for the Bottom). If the Bottom is ready, she says "Yes, Master" if the Top is a man. If the Top is a woman, then she is respectfully addressed with the phrase "Yes, Mistress."
The Top administers one spank to each buttock using the open palm of his hand. He makes this spank moderate. It is not light. It is not heavy. It should sting the Bottom a little. It should leave a slight redness where the spank was delivered.
The Bottom will say, "One. Thank you, Master." Then "Two. Thank you, Master."
Here, the Bottom has done two things correctly. First, she has counted the spank. Second, she has acknowledged the presence and responsibilities of the Top.
While these ritualistic precautions are of greater significance when the stimulation strategy is more extreme, this structure is proper S&M. In contrast to conventional sexual behavior, S&M sex is clearly defined and intentionally designed. Vanilla lovers can learn a lot from the care and attention to detail that is built into a good S&M session.
Now the Top proceeds to perform all the spanks that were negotiated and agreed to prior to the session. That means this negotiation took place long before the foreplay stage. Both partners were fully clothed and in a normal state of mind. Again, these precautions apply more to extreme scenes, but these principles are basic to all healthy S&M experiences. Specifically, drugs and alcohol have absolutely no place in tantric S&M. Do not even think about it!
As the Top proceeds to administer the spanks -- exactly the negotiated number, no more and no less -- he or she will increase the intensity of the spanks. This is expected. Also, the Top will "mix it up" so that the Bottom is not certain what to expect next.
This brings up the mother of all S&M questions: How exactly does the Top know how much is just enough and how much is too much?
The answer is the Safe Word. During the session, the Bottom may make statements like "Oh, shit, that hurts!" Or "Please stop. Please. I can't stand the pain." Or "You call yourself a Top? You're a total wimp!" Since it is completely impossible for the Top to know what the Bottom is going through from statements like these, a Safe Word is agreed to before the session.
The Safe Word is a word that would ordinarily never end up in an S&M session -- "banana," for example. Long before your session starts, pick a fun, colorful word you both want to use. It just can't be one that you might spontaneously say under those circumstances, such as "God" or "Help" or "Shit."
If the Bottom says the Safe Word, then the Top immediately stops and attends to the needs of the Bottom. The session is over. The Top addresses the needs of the Bottom, whether they are physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual.
Assuming that the session is finished without the Safe Word being uttered, which should be the usual situation, then after the last spank, the Top rubs and soothes the Bottom's burning buttocks and otherwise does what he or she can for the Bottom. For example, the Bottom may want to be held by the Top. Or the Bottom may want to have soothing salve applied to her reddened bottom.
Believe it or not, you are still just doing a conventional S&M spanking session. Most people stop here. You do not have to stop here. The key to bringing a spiritual element into an action as mundane, even crude, as spanking is intention. In fact, intention is the core of spiritual practice regardless of how it looks from the outside.
Sitting meditation, for example, transcends mere sitting. Although a good, firm posture is helpful, you can slouch on the couch and meditate if first you set your intention to make that "asana" -- the couch slouching position -- a spiritual practice. If you don't believe me, then try it. Likewise, walking, eating, and drinking can be transformed through the power of a clear, dedicated intention. Mental attitude transcends bodily position or physical activity.
The first step in making S&M spanking tantric, then, is to have the clear intention that you are doing this to awaken spiritual consciousness in each other. This practice might in some way, perhaps unexpected, benefit both of you.
One of the little-known secrets of the spiritual path is that you tend to learn more from pain than pleasure. Not that it has to be that way. But because society is so confused about the true nature of pleasure and its relationship to higher states and the deep self, you are left with learning through pain until, somehow, you figure out how to learn from your pleasurable experiences as well. Pain has a sharp, demanding edge that helps to keep you alert, while pleasure serves up a dreamy, seductive, sensual massage that encourages fuzziness.
In a tantric spanking session, sex, which is pleasurable, is combined in a safe, intentional, and structured way with physical punishment, which is painful. Through the juxtaposition of these two opposites, some kind of breakthrough, some sort of insight, some degree of release, takes place.
Though the Top does not have the advantage of a meditation object like strong physical sensation, the Top must perform his or her duties with mindfulness and compassion. This makes the Top's actions a meditation, too.
The person in the Bottom role is the one feeling the pain, so they are more likely to achieve the breakthrough. This is why I recommend that you switch roles. Both need to Top as well as Bottom. If either of you is tired, then wait until another day to play and exchange roles.
Let's say you are the Top and I am the Bottom. As you spank me in this slow, intentional, structured way, I focus my entire attention on that area of my body, on my buttocks. I allow myself to enter into this area and fully feel it. Further, I allow the sensations and the echoes of those sensations to vibrate and deeply resonate throughout my entire body, to every extremity, and through the entire body as a unified whole. It is like my body is a human musical instrument and it is being played, albeit a little roughly.
Do you understand what is going on here? I am transforming the apparent "poison" of the pain you are creating in my body into the "nectar" of a more awakened awareness of and sensitivity to my body. I may find that certain areas resist, while others yield. I may find that early memories surface to be surrendered. I may find myself having an energy orgasm without any overtly sexual stimulation due to the whole-body energy arousal created by this method. Pain promotes a highly workable state of vivid awareness suitable for meditation.
Also, after such a spanking session, I may be more opened up. This might be especially noticeable to me, even you, if we actually go ahead and make love right after. This is by no means expected or part of the process officially. But if I were seeking to be more vulnerable and available during lovemaking, then being the Bottom and surrendering to the loving discipline of my Top might be a great way to prepare.
What makes spanking tantric? Turning pain into a meditation. Whether we like it or not, pain grabs and holds our attention in a way that pleasure, with its light, frivolous, playful personality, usually does not.
The exception is the higher levels of bliss achieved in sexual tantra and classic meditations like kundalini and anapanasati (following the breath). These bliss states are more powerful and focused than pain is, but this must be realized through practice.
Ironically, when you work through pain via deep meditation, you discover that most of your suffering around pain is simply your fear of it. As your fear of pain dissolves, your capacity to open to all pleasure deepens. Over time, embracing pain consciously and intentionally turns into skillful means, reliably helping you to achieve your goal of rich, deeply fulfilling pleasure.
In the story, Bob and Carol suddenly rekindle sexual desire when they spontaneously embrace Bob's negative childhood memories. A willingness to explore the subtleties of sexual guilt and shame reaps a delightful erotic reward.
S&M practices are not only for the leather facemask crowd. For sweethearts Bob and Carol, their long-time love goes from sugar sweet to spicy hot. They demonstrate that the “thank you” you utter when your lover spanks you may just be the start of the lusty, burning love you both secretly want.
