by Julian Robinson
(04/12/2006)
My wife Rebecca asked about the box on my desk. "More product testing samples from Babeland," I elusively replied.
Not one to be put off, she further inquired, "Do you remember what they are?"
"Err...penis sleeves," I boldly responded.
We then inspected the merchandise, from the Succulent Blossom with its eight teasing petals to the ribbed Pipeline to the spiked Maverick. (It's shipped inside out, with the spikes on the outside, causing Rebecca to recoil -- clearly the alternate French Tickler function of this device was not going to get any home testing.) Finally, the prize, the Rolls Royce of male masturbatory aids, the Fleshlight, its massive conical hard-shell case opening to reveal a mound of rubbery pink foam topped by a pair of disembodied, realistically sculpted lips.
"Ewwwww," opined Rebecca.
I reminded her of her devotion to her beloved Hitachi Magic Wand which we both enjoy her use of, and she admitted to a double standard. Like the one where the female orgasm is elusive, mysterious, and sacred and the male orgasm is reflexive, mechanical, and just kinda gross. Or the one where female masturbation is empowering and male masturbation is an act of pathetic desperation.
Why shouldn't boys have toys, too? Remember what Woody Allen's character in Love and Death said when the sexy countess asked him how he had become such a great lover: "I practice a lot when I'm alone." So whether you're planning a romp through the toy box with your partner or contemplating spending some quality time with yourself and Lady Fivefingers, is it worth doing some shopping, lubing up, and thrusting your pulsating manhood into a love tunnel designed with your pleasure in mind?
Lucky for you, Clean Sheets has no shame and will try anything.
All these products require ample lubrication to function effectively. For the Blossom, Pipeline, and Maverick, make sure you're using a water-based or silicone-based lube that will not deteriorate rubber or latex. The Fleshlight people recommend water-based lubes only, suggesting that their secret formula may contain some silicone. Lay it on thick: make sure you, the toy's opening, and its interior are all nice and slick before you take the plunge. Lubing yourself up is not wasted effort. Many guys lube up for simple manual masturbation anyway, and by the time you're finished, with any luck, your soldier will be reporting for duty.
You may wish to warm up these products in hot water before use to bring their temperature to the customary 98.6 F. Especially in the winter.
And note that they're all strongly recommended for a single user only as their porous materials (jelly rubber, elastomer, etc.) cannot be completely disinfected. (Make sure to visit Babeland's excellent page discussing sex toy materials.) Which doesn't mean the toy owner can't lie back and have somebody else use one of his toys on him.
All these products, including the Fleshlight's insert, easily turn inside-out, so cleaning's a snap with a little warm, soapy water. The Fleshlight people advise avoiding detergents or soaps to protect the material and suggest a little isopropyl alcohol if you want it squeaky clean. A bit of cornstarch will restore the silky-smooth feel.
Now to work.
Pipeline
This tester found the fit of the pipeline just right in terms of tightness and stretchable length, and the stimulation provided by its 13 circular interior ridges to be major league. It's a tube about 4 inches long with an outside diameter of 1 1/2 inches (unstretched), with both ends open. Having the far end open means you can thrust out and slide back in, increasing stimulation of the very sensitive area directly behind the head of the penis. Also it makes said head available for additional stimulation (vibrator, lips, etc.) while most of the penis shaft remains sheathed in the sleeve.
The Pipeline is made of highly elastic blue elastomer, which is hypoallergenic and does not contain phthalates, rubber softeners with a dubious reputation found in some other sex toy compounds.
The sensation doesn't resemble that attainable by penetrating any particular orifice of the human anatomy, but, mmmmm, it sure feels really good really quickly. Ooohhh... Arrrrr... No! Think of grammar! Three more products to test.
An excellent, economical choice.
Maverick
Also made of blue elastomer, thicker-walled than the Pipeline, so not quite as stretchy.
About 6 inches long and 1 1/2 inches in outside diameter (unstretched), the Maverick provides a heftier feel and covers a greater proportion of the penile shaft (depending on the length of your shaft, of course). It has a closed far end, so there's no peek-a-boo action, but the closed end will hold a small, button-type vibrator or any walnuts you might want to crack.
On the inside, those 154 tiny spikes aren't scary at all, but very soft and as highly stimulating as the ridges of the Pipeline. This tester found both very pleasurable, but couldn't detect any notably different sensations between the spikes and the ridges. Another excellent choice.
And, once again, the stalwart product tester restrains his excitement in order to move on to the next candidate. After all, this is for science!
Blossom
This one's made of thick-walled stretchy green jelly rubber, with the interior slightly ribbed. It's about 4 inches long and 1 1/2 inches in outside diameter (unstretched). Concerning jelly rubber toys, Babeland writes: "They may contain rubber softeners such as phthalates, which have been associated with negative health effects. Latex is often an ingredient. Use with condoms for safety and to aid in cleanup." This tester did not use a condom with the Blossom, as it's hard to believe that anyone would, assuming the toy is never shared.
Having to manually pull the opening wider in order to enter, this tester found the Blossom too constricting with its very thick walls and consequently narrow aperture. Actually, he could only get all the way into it by pulling the whole thing wide open, sliding it down, and letting it close (watch that snap!). Once applied, moving it up and down wasn't too difficult, but the constriction lessened this tester's enjoyment. If you find standard-size condoms to be on the tight side, the Blossom may be too tight for you. If not, or if you prefer a snug experience, it may be just right. The eight thematic flower petals lining the outside of the opening don't seem to serve any functional purpose.
Not recommended.
Fleshlight
"The #1 Selling Male Sex Unit in the World" -- and deservedly so -- is truly a marvel of modern engineering. The Fleshlight has a unique design in this toy realm; it's a tapering soft gel insert firmly stuffed into a hard-shell screw-top case, shaped like a...well, take a guess. Exactly what the insert is made of is a trade secret, and it requires some special treatment. As noted above, only a water-based lube should be used and no soap or detergent should be used in cleaning. Detailed care instructions are provided with each unit.
If there were a Nobel Prize for sex toys, the Fleshlight developers would win it. Simply touching the lips at the entry proves how amazingly fleshlike the gel is. Inside it offers an uncanny resemblance to the feel of vaginal penetration, enhanced by the wide entry end and narrow body, which increases the pressure as you move inward. The interior is smooth, with just the right friction and response -- it almost seems alive.
The case is 9 and 1/2 inches long, about 4 inches wide at the entry end, tapering to about 2 inches wide, with the far end cap removable. If you stick out the end of this one, you have promising career possibilities in adult videos. The length and openable end easily allow a small vibrator to be inserted.
Highest recommendation. You won't believe how it feels.
The surprising amount of will power it took to avoid ejaculation during the product testing phase proved the efficacy of these devices. (Let's face it, getting off by hand often takes some work -- that's why lube is often employed.) It also suggested a practical use of them to enhance penetrative partner sex, namely as a means of stamina training to delay male ejaculation, a concern for many men. The Fleshlight would be especially useful in such a pursuit. Practicing a lot when you're alone isn't just a joke with training aids like these.
There's no reason this kind of toy couldn't be used in a partner situation as well. A little imagination suggests lots of possibilities. E.g. a mad scientist or alien intelligence testing human male sexual response, or play torture scenes: "No, not the penis sleeve!" How about an endurance test? Your partner applies the pleasure sleeve and challenges you to last a minute or five or ten without shooting, with accompanying penalties or rewards based on performance. Or a more elaborate version of the quickie handjob. Imagine the impact of seeing your lover approach you with one of these devices in one hand and some lube in the other. Bet it would get your attention.
Bottom line: these things are really fun, far superior to the sensation of mere palm and fingers, and help enrich the playful possibilities of partner sex beyond the conventional attitude that it's not sex unless somebody's specific something gets penetrated.
Remember that masturbation is safe sex, and a great way to expand your understanding of your own and your partner's sexual preferences and responses by watching each other play with your favorite toys. So expand your sexual horizons and let Babeland lead the way!
