by William S. Dean
(11/08/06)
Periodically you get that old familiar feeling that, no matter what, on Election Day you're going to get screwed somehow. No matter what your affiliation, gender, philosophical stance, or beliefs, it's going to happen to you and isn't it curious that so many of our negative event terms relate to sex? You might "get the shaft," "get fucked over," "take it up the ass," or "get blown off." Sex and politics just seem to go together like, well, like sleaze and porn.
In a promiscuous fantasy world construct, however, things could go differently and actually be enjoyable. Let's think about how to change the electoral process altogether to make voting a more fun and exciting experience. For example...
The Anonymous Oral Sex Amendment: You step into the booth, pull the curtain closed, and lean forward to reach the voting desk or machine. As you mull over the choices, you become aware of hands gliding up the backs of your thighs, thumbs reaching around toward the front. You look down and notice a pair of arms have emerged from the curtained area beneath the desktop. The hands expertly fumble open your pants or raise your skirt/dress and a head pops out to start giving you slow, sensual oral sex while you vote. The propositions on the ballot all suddenly seem to require a "Yes, yes, yes!!" vote. After your climax, the head disappears again and the hands tidy your clothing before you depart. You step out of the booth with a big grin on your face and someone slaps an "I just voted" button on your lapel. You may not remember what you voted on or for whom, but who cares, you just had a zipless orgasm on Election Day. You exercised your right and got free head. What could be a more rewarding experience of living in a democracy?
Sex Toy Sovereignty: If the cost of manufacturing sex toys were to be covered by income tax, we could all be given one or more free by the government come Election Day. Consider it a form of socialized pleasure or just one of the thoughtful perks of a caring administration. Think how much more enjoyable voting would be if you received a new sex toy after completing your "duty as a citizen."
This brought to mind another innovation for the political/electioneering/campaign process. Give away sex toys related to campaign events. You know, something like "Dildoes for Democrats," "Rubbers for Republicans," "Artificial Pussies for Progressives," and "Insertion Devices for Independents." They'd be so much more useful than the standard buttons, ribbons, hats, and banners, wouldn't they? After all, if your political party is going to fuck you, let's get more real about it and put the pleasure back in politics, right?
Even polling might be enhanced sexually, if we simply added another "dimension" to those boring surveyors with their seemingly endless clipboard questionnaires. What a great way, for example, to offer lap and pole dancers a little extra income. Or hire those bachelor/bachelorette party strippers to conduct polls. For the phone-line crowd, the "extra" could include a bit of phone sex along with the standard questioning. Maybe, hmmm...
Pollster: "What are you wearing right now? (pause) Sounds sexy. By the way, how do you feel about 69? Proposition 69, I mean? Are you hard/wet, right now? I am, baby, and I'm getting harder/wetter just thinking about how you're going to look when you're in the voting booth. Oooooooo. Do you have a lever to pull or a button to push? (pause) Mmmmm. Hot!"
You see how easily the whole procedure could be changed to make the political process of living in a democracy all that much more pleasurable. Politics is supposed to be a participatory thing. That's its nature. I think a good motto would be "Pleasure to the People," don't you?
Campaign ads are increasingly getting sleazier, but not in a good way. So maybe politicians should become more aware of what sex positive people really want. Imagine a 30 second campaign ad that went something like...
Ten seconds of landscape panoramas showing the little towns and cities of the United States, just ordinary folk going about their usual daily activities, followed by...
Ten seconds of same-sex/fetish sexual activities, explicit, but nicely photographed in an erotic fashion, complete with accompanying sounds, followed by...
Ten seconds of the campaigning politician essentially saying, "I'm ____________ and I approve of these sex acts. Vote for me on Election Day."
A variation, for state governors, say, might show ordinary citizens happily buying and using sex toys. The monologue could be something like: "I own some of these sex toys myself and I stand for the rights of everyone to sell, display, own, and use them. Vote for me and a happier society."
And perhaps, politicians need to put their mouths (and other parts) where their policy lies. Imagine if you were gay or a lesbian and saw a local politician's ad that went:
"Hi, I'm Chad/Sue. And I'm Tom/Lizabeth. And we just had a fantastic threesome with incumbent Senator/Representative ____________. We want to do him/her again, so let's keep him/her in office for another term."
Some critics say we need to keep politicians and government out of our bedrooms. But why not take the other extreme for a bit of an experiment. Bring them into the bedroom, but be realistic and adult about it. If politicians are going to fuck us, shouldn't we have the right to fuck them back? It's only fair and equal, don't you think?
