by William Dean
(09/07/2005)
"Dear Sex Advisor/Agony Columnist/Dating Advice Counselor," it might read, "my current lover suffers from chronic sloppy bedroom behavior. What's a person to do!?"
While there's a certain raunchy frisson to fucking on bare mattresses, torn sofas, and crusty carpet, it's best to eschew the post-punk chic for seductive scenes played out across expansive satin; tight, soft Berber-weave rugs; and the pliant cushioned embrace of a decent couch. We seem to have "come a long way, baby," from the suave couture of Playboy-era bachelor pads with black silk sheets and tinkling, fluted crystal champagne glasses. Oh, upper class women may still have draped four-posters and trapunto throw pillows, but your average sex tryst these days can take place in sites worthy of Bette Davis' grandiloquent "dump."
Hook up with your average cubicle-dwelling nerd, women bemoan, and you're likely to share the sex scene with Doritos crumbs, Twinkie wrappers, last week's pizza box. Except perhaps for the diehard fetishist or the neo-existentialist, there's really nothing terribly erotic about pausing on the brink of orgasm and spying that spoon still in the empty ice cream carton or a Matterhorn of unwashed laundry in the corner. No wonder so many people are still having sex in the dark.
Where and how you live is a solid reflection of your sexual personality. There's no escaping that first, second, third, or thirtieth impression. Because sex is both impulsive pleasure and mate seeking, unless you're still stuck in adolescent messy room syndrome, get some clues for your household, apartment, or at least bedroom makeovers.
One of the many myths about good sex is that the focus should be all about your body. In the horny heated moments, sure, you don't want Miss X or Mr. Y going on endlessly about how nicely color coordinated your carpet and drapes are, you want them delirious about "those eyes, those lips, those nipples..." On the other hand, call me a slob snob, but having to shove strewn sweats or a week's worth of snack wrappers off a surface before bending you over it for a long, lingering oral-genital episode is distracting and, okay, I'll say it, gross.
Now there are (as always) extremes best avoided. The clichés are so well founded as to have become jokes:
the "fuck me hard, but don't mess up my hair" routine
the "not here, it leaves stains" routine
the "don't use those towels, they're for guests" routine
the "oh, God, I want to, but what will the cleaning lady think!?" routine
Anally retentive control freaks may be fun for D/S folks, but they can also damage those hot minutes when you're both naked and want nothing more than to get all up in it. So can trailer trash boudoir tricks.
Nice average, casual at-home sex sites don't have to be showroom elegant or shackabilly sloppy. Think of them as additional foreplay for the senses. An extension of the sexy you that you want to project. If you're sporting come-devour-me lingerie or sly-player undies, that's going to shout "conflict of interests!" or severe bipolarism if your seduction suite looks like a domestic hurricane struck. The funny thing is that people who will floss for a half-hour, dab some scent on erotic body parts, and couture themselves up the ass (sometimes literally) when strolling out for a potential hookup will leave their love shack looking like it's got a beer bust hangover: tossed clothes, trash piles, the strewn junk and debris of living la vida loco. And if they do hookup, this is what they bring their hottie back to. Can I get a group "Yuck!"?
Minimally, tidy up before you go out stalking a sex buddy, put the undone laundry in a basket or hamper, make sure the debris is off furniture and handy flat surfaces you might want to bend someone over or be bent over, make up the bed (preferably with clean sheets), wash the dishes, give the bathroom a quick tidy up. How long is this going to take, ten minutes, twenty? Sloppy is not sexy. If you've got game, you already know that, right? Besides, it's always more fun and exciting to make a mess you've both shared making in passionate heat. So, start clean and then get dirty together.
