by William S. Dean
(02/14/07)
Are you still a twisted loner? Are you yearning for the delicious frisson of real life rubbing elbows (or other body parts) with like-minded folk? Perhaps you're just finally ready to make that huge leap from online playtime to the real thing. Whatever particular bend your sexuality takes, there's probably a flock somewhere nearby to enfold you in the lovin' arms of community.
It used to be that those seeking the delights of whips and chains, rubberdom, or any of a bazillion other kinks, presumed they had to go to the closest big Sodom or Gomorrah (San Francisco, downtown Manhattan, Berlin, etc.) to partake of Big City fetish thrills. But the Internet changed all that, as Web sites and kinky event calendars proliferated like mushroom colonies, offering everything from suspension classes to Christian Couples Kink Guidance. Today, just by tapping your nearest search engine, you can usually get hooked up with people who enjoy the wild side of sex the way you like it.
However, as alternative sex chatrooms will demonstrate, there is a constant stream of newbies, seekers, and loner veterans who aren't yet up to speed on talking the talk or walking the walk. And being newbies, there's the added embarrassment of appearing just too naive when you have to keep asking, "What does that mean?"
Community of kink getogethers generally fall into separate categories, such as munches, sloshes, POSs, club and private home gatherings, as well as more general regional special events. The primary social functions, munches, are held periodically (typically once a month) for local folk to get friendly with a sit-down meal in day-to-day clothing (not fetish gear), converse, greet new people, and engage in the usual tribal parleys. They're often held in a centrally located chain restaurant (think Denny's or Applebee's).
Sloshes are similar, but without the distraction of food, and take place in bars or clubs, where a slightly less down-home atmosphere prevails. POSs (Play Optional Socials) usually are held in a local BDSM club or a private home, and move into the realm of a tribal cave group. Often the POS will include a scene or two, a presentation on technique or equipment, and a looser mix-and-match atmosphere.
The main thing for newbies to remember when attending their first real life social gathering is that they are no longer just "online." The virtual fantasies many carry over can be a source of faux pas, disappointment, and "culture shock." Particularly if your unrealistic expectations of that DarkLeatherLord or MistressTalons lead you to think all the Doms/Dommes will hardbodied, uber fetish fashion attired, and live exclusively in a dungeon fit for a king or queen. The same goes for submissives/slaves. They will not all look nor act "perfect." Remember, this is the real world.
Just as likely, "Master ChainYouUp" will turn out to sell insurance or tires, be worried over the mortgage payment, and buy his "toys" from Home Depot. "Mistress NoHardLimits" may turn out to run a home crafts business, own a flannel robe, and be fond of cats. Yes, reality can be a shock, but it's no reason to run screaming back to the "safe" bits and bytes of fantasy land on the Web. Just cope, listen, ask your less absurd questions, and try to find your level of fitting in.
Like newbies broaching any new social group, lay your groundwork. Check out online glossaries for the terminology so you have at least a basic grasp of the lingo beyond "Whip me, beat me, love me longtime." If you're a Dominant, don't expect that every sub at a munch will immediately bow down to fulfill your every whim. If you're of the submissive persuasion, don't expect every Master Tom or Mistress Joyce will want to perform every kink known to humanity with you on sight.
Alternative chatrooms, such as those at collarme.com, chatropolis.com, bondage.com, etc. are helpful in hooking you up with your local folks who can invite you to social gatherings and often answer most of your preliminary questions. But be polite and show common sense! Jumping online and immediately demanding or begging for local contacts for sex play will brand you as a troll, and probably get you bounced off the chat channel. Even kinky chat rooms are a place to learn and practice proper social etiquette and fledgling people skills. Many a blustering Dom and sycophantic sub are banned because they are just too clueless in a chatroom, let alone at a munch or POS.
But be heartened that with just a bit of effort and rudimentary self-discipline, you can find a world of pleasure awaiting you in your local kink community. After all, everyone was a newbie once.
