by William S. Dean
02/08/06
As you probably know from conventional news sources, every January, geeks, gadgeteers, and other privileged groups all troop Las Vegasward to the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) and get their hands on the latest triumphs and tragic pratfalls of hi-tech toydom.
And we at Clean Sheets also glance over the wares and muse about the gaps and gaffs manufacturers fall prey to when they exclude the really significant hi-techery we care about: sex toys, for example.
Where, oh, where, we sigh, wringing our cybernetic gloves over the lack, is the Bimba, for example? Sure, there's the popular Roomba for sucking, the recent Scooba for mopping, and even SNL's parodic Woomba for feminine hygiene. But the Bimba is still MIA. And who couldn't use a Stepford-like bimbo around the house for all those necessary seductive, pouty, baby talk moments when a bi-curious robo-babe could fulfill some raging desires? Imagine dragging your tired ass back home from work, and scuttling out from the bedroom comes your own private Bimba, dressed provocatively and cooing, "Oh, honey! I've been waiting all day just to manipulate your genitalia for you. Let Bimba massage you and eat your sex candy 'til it's alllll gone." Alternate models could include the hunky Boiba for lesbian femmes and the equally bi-curious Manba with its impressive switch activator clearly marked Straight and/or Gay.
GPS technology is advancing, as is a delicious potentially naughty device developed for the military which can actually see through concrete walls to detect hidden terrorists or arms caches. Handier still for the average consumer might be a pair of inconspicuous EDGV goggles. EDGV stands, of course, for Enhanced Digital Genitals Viewer which can see through silk, lace, denim, and any other assorted material. Want to see who's got the goods (and not just a sock stuffed down their jeans), just slip on a pair of EDGVs and check out the surrounding bulges. Obviously, the EDGVs would also help cruising lesbians to see who is packing what, and fetishists would have a clear peek at what tats and piercings, forced chastity devices, etc., potential bedmates might be sporting.
This year's Christmas offerings for the tech-oriented included more of those LED displays on clothing. Featuring programmable scrolling messages on clothes, hats, pins, and belt buckles -- these may seem a low-tech toy, until you think of the kinds of messages the erotically-inclined might be induced to blink at you on your next club or mall crawl. What's missing from tech-clothing, naturally, are the really advanced products like nano-wear fashion.
Nanotechnology has been around the clothing industry for some time now, weaving those teeny "devices" into our clothes to make them more stain-resistant, but where's our hot wearables? Conceivably with nanotechnology, we could have apparel that shifts from opaque to transparent in a, well...nano-second. Or the glimpse of what we look like beneath our J. Crews or Givenchy original might only last a subliminal nano-second or three. Imagine your seductive power increasing by giving that potential sweet thing a quick flash of your naked goods...You might never have to pay for drinks or dinner again for the next twenty years!
Decades ago, the original Star Trek led us to believe that our bodies could be instantly broken down into sparkling bits and transported hither and yon (unless Scotty or some incompetent ensign mashed the wrong button). So why has science been so laggard in making the transporter a reality? We've already gone through several incarnations of the Trek folks, but still no transporter. And there's no denying the need of personal models for self- or other- sudden appearances/disappearances, is there? Ho-Be-Gone, Bitch-Be-Gone, Dickhead-Be-Gone, Mom/Dad-Be-Gone, In-law-Be-Gone, Jerk-Be-Gone: these patents have not even been applied for! It's not just vanishing acts that could make our sex lives better either. Imagine strolling along some lonely night and glancing up through a window -- you see some couple having some hot action -- press a button, and you could suddenly be the sandwich filling between their sweaty slices of bread. Too cool!
One of my personal favorites for the hi-tech wish list has to be the Sneaker, shorthand for the SAFIP or Sneak A Fuck In Paradise device. This baby really uses global technology, combining Wireless Data Mining, GPS, transporter, security surveillance, and a host of other tools that are not being utilized for ultimate potential. The concept, however, is simple. Why should you have to keep having to have sex in some dump of an apartment, when there are vacant hotel rooms, time-shares, condos, and apartments in paradises around the world? Got an answer? Exactly! You shouldn't have to! For those fifteen minutes of raunchy, raw, up against the wall gotta-have-it-now sexual adventures, why not have them with a view of clear, clean Tahitian beachfront, or an 80-story vista of Hong Kong? Security surveillance systems would alert you to any prying maid staff approaching and project a holographic "empty room space" around your frenzied coupling until you were finished. This is not science-fiction, my friends, all these things are possible with available technology -- well, maybe not the transporter, apparently it still has some bugs.
Without question, however, the One-Size-Does-Fit-All Dildo could be a reality in less than two years if science and technology would just apply itself properly. Again, nanotechnology is the solution. Like Alice in Wonderland -- remember Eat Me, Drink Me? -- some wondrous new material development could end having a suitcase full of vibes and dildos for various occasions and moods. Voice programmable dildos that change color, shape, texture, and size might be initially expensive, but worth the cost measured against the pleasure. Adding motion and lotion to these dildos, you could truly have a Sybian in your pocket or purse to be used when needed. Or wanted.
Write your consumer advocate today. Tell them you want your toys!
