by Chris Bridges
(05/17/06)

Talk to Us

Help! I'm turning into an anti-porn activist!

Movie porn, anyway. Is there any playful sex out there anymore?

I've watched a lot of porn over the years. And I knew that a sizable portion of it was crap. Which isn't to say I hated it. A sizable portion of all media is crap (go wiki Sturgeon's Law) and my complaints about most porn were similar to my complaints about most books, movies, and network television: boring, uninspired, insulting. But there was always some genius director or brilliant stars that would take the genre by storm and show everyone what could be done. Whenever anyone would dismiss porn I would explain to them, patiently, that there was Good Stuff there if they'd only look for it.

Lately, I'm having problems finding it myself.

Recently I went hunting for an adult DVD to share with my wife, for the first time in quite awhile. We cuddled up, enjoyed our cake -- if I woke my wife up in the middle of the night for just sex, she'd hit me; the wise husband brings chocolate cake to a seduction -- and settled in for some hot and heavy action.

And spent the next 20 minutes alternately laughing, fast-forwarding, or just goggling at the screen. At no point was arousal an option.

When did porn become what anti-porn activists always said it was? I had to search high and low just to find a single DVD cover that wasn't misogynistic or abusive. I finally settled for a historical one ("Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island," or something like that) because I figured any movie that put that much money into some truly impressive sets, costuming, and cinematography had to have spent just as much time on the squishy stuff. Fond memories of "2001 Erotic Nights" and "The Canterbury Tales" accompanied me on the drive home, but they died with the very first sex scene when all the artistry of the movie just turned off so the actors could fuck. Badly.

My wife pointed out the underlying problem (we had plenty of time to talk, what with all the not-being-turned-on): the scenes are so obviously shot for the benefit of the viewer, and the viewer is presumed to be pathetic. Awkward positions that allow extreme closeups, guys never ejaculating where you can't see, guys always cool and in control while gals are unstoppable sex-starved semen ashtrays, and so very few of the performers looking as if they a) want to be there or b) want to be there with that particular partner.

Well, this viewer ain't interested.

We may be the wrong audience for porn, at least this century. More and more I find myself hovering around the "classics" section, afraid to venture out where "Butt-Pirates of the Carribean" awaits. Look, I know the big bucks are in mindless sex, the nastier the better, and that's fine. Buy it and enjoy it. But I'd be forever grateful if anyone out there can suggest some movies that don't actually nauseate me. I don't even need a whole movie, gimme just one good scene and I'll buy the thing.

My needs are simple, I think.

• Normal looking people who at least look like they're having fun.
• No one looking at the camera.
• No movies that describe the women as sluts, whores, or bitches, or use the words "molest" or "gang" on the cover.
• No anal, please. Nothing against the act itself, but it's not particularly aesthetically pleasing. Not a big fan of the camera-between-the-legs shots anyway, or the extreme, can't-get-any-closer-or-she'll-swallow-the-camera closeups. I'd rather see the whole body and the lovers' growing arousal.
• Woman-woman scenes that looks like they might be enjoying it. You know, with kissing and maybe even some foreplay before they whip out the 20-inch double-headed dildo or try to go up to their elbows.
• An entire movie without silicone or implants of any kind. Try it, I dare you.
• Women who don't feel obligated to stick their entire tongue out of their mouths whenever they kiss or lick anything.
• Look, if you show me a guy pulling out of a woman's ass and moving around to her mouth, which seems to be the trend these days, you've lost me. Forget it, I'll turn the thing off and go watch cartoons. I mean, eww.
• Women that aren't made up to look underage or like an 80's hair band groupie.
• Guys that look like someone you might not run away from on a dark night. Or a sunny afternoon.
• Lighting that makes the actors look soft and sexy instead of plastic and poorly shaved.
• Sounds that weren't dubbed or forced. I'm sorry, no one moans with ecstasy while they're giving a blowjob.
• People grateful to get oral sex instead of standing there looking haughty and all conquerery.
• Movies that don't have the same sex acts, in the same order, every time.
• And, hardest to find of all...playfulness! I have absolutely no interest in watching people fuck who look too fake, too insensitive, too shallow, or too scary. Don't fun people fuck? In front of a camera, I mean?

I admit it; I'm starting to despair. Someone out there has to be making movies that make sex look exciting and enjoyable for everyone involved, right? Someone? Anyone?

Talk to Us

Yes, you. We'd like to know what you think. Disappointed by porn DVDs? Think the industry just entered a golden age? Got a better recipe for chocolate cake? It's all more interesting -- and a good bit less work -- than coming up with original material of our own.

Not sure where to get started finding porn DVDs? Liar. But okay, we'll play. Our friends at Babeland have quite a few -- check out their Women's Guide to Good Porn Movies, their collection of DVDs from Women Directors, and their selection of DVDs with something almost resembling a plot called Sexy with Storyline. Or try X rated DVDs at Amazon.

And hey, no reason the box has to say XXX to bump and grind -- our intrepid Gary Meyer has been reviewing the good bits in movies for years on the Clean Sheets site -- check out Gary's reviews.

Then tell us what you think. Does the stultifying sameness of modern porn have you longing for the puppet sex in Team America -- World Police? Have you found a really amazing porn DVD, or a really amazing porn moment in a film and want to share it? Have you found that, in a pinch, a nice fruit basket and some puff pastries will fill in for that forgotten chocolate cake? Let us know. Write to "feedback at cleansheets.com" (use the "@" character for the word "at" and take out all the spaces) and tell us all about it. We'll pull together the best, the worst, and all that we find interesting in between, and publish them in this space at a later date. The very, very bad we'll undoubtedly read aloud at staff parties for the general amusement, but don't let that make you the least bit paranoid.

Go on, start watching and start writing -- we really do want to hear from you.

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