Cougar
- A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men
Valerie Gibson
ISBN: 1-55263-410-8
$19.95 CDN
Key Porter Books
"So there I was -- forty years old and hotter than a chili pepper. Many
might say that I’ve always been like that (especially my mother, who blamed her
stomach ulcers on my wanton ways). But my various forays into loving and marital
relationships with men my own age and older always seemed to end in tears. Theirs
I must add."
--Valerie Gibson
Valerie Gibson is the author
of Cougar, A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men.
A little bit how-to, a whole bunch of should-do. Why wouldn’t
any woman, who could-do -- not do -- a younger man? I almost did once,
but I was just in that barely with child space, and the dear lad’s fantasies
did not extend quite that far. Pity. Had I read this book then,
I might have gone for it anyway.
Valerie Gibson is quite familiar to Canadian readers as the
Intimacies columnist and Dear Val sex and relationships advice columnist with
the Toronto Sun Newspaper. The message in her new book is simple:
Older women are desirable and sexy, and should any younger man find himself
stalked and landed by an older Cougar, he’ll soon realize that it’s the
best thing that’s ever happened to him.
A pioneer Cougar herself (married five times -- the
last one fourteen years her junior), she is at last ready to share with us --
after exhaustive research -- what this Cougar business is all about.
The ins and outs, the why’s and why nots, the rules...the rules?
- Feel sexy, be sexy, dress sexy.
- Ignore anyone who says you shouldn’t.
- Avoid sex on first encounters.
- Well okay, if you absolutely must.
- Keep control when hunting.
- Well, up to the third martini anyway.
- Think short-term, not long-term.
- Okay, think long-term if the sex is amazing.
- Carry condoms.
- Use them.
Now if you thought that there wasn’t much to cougaring beyond the obvious,
think again. Types of prey (geeks, techies, jocks, etc.), generation gaps,
seduction, your ex, his ex, pumas (cougars in training), meet the family, meet
the parents, letting go...are all covered here and more.
Take a look at these suggestions.
A Cougar will:
- Be enthusiastic and
skilled in the sexual arts.
- Initiate oral sex and
expect it to be reciprocated often.
- Demonstrate imaginative and creative sexual moves.
The kind he’s only read about in men’s magazines.
- Introduce him to a
level of sensuality he didn’t even know existed.
- Know the power and
effect of wearing just a smile.
The woman who wants a relationship, but hesitates because she can’t be bothered
with everything that goes with it, will find Cougar talking directly
to her. It will tell her that fulfilling her sexual needs first and foremost,
on her own terms is okay. Having fun doing it is more than okay.
What kind of a woman would suggest such a thing?
I just had to know.
CS: What made you decide to write this book? It
differs from your book of ten years ago, Younger Men: How to Find Them, Date
Them, Mate Them, and Marry Them".
VALERIE GIBSON: People usually ask me what has
changed and I tell them that women have changed quite a lot in the ten years
since I wrote the first one. I think what’s happened is they’ve become more
liberated, if you like. Or more outspoken, is what I prefer, about their needs
and what they want, much more confident. Being a Cougar is an option
for single women who might be anything from their late thirties to fifties or
whatever age. I’ve had some young women say to me "Well I’m not an older woman,"
and I say, "Well if you’re dating younger, then you’re older." The basis of
it was that I felt that this Cougar thing was rather fun. Initially
I was told that it was a bit of a derogatory term. I don’t see it that way at
all. It’s a very powerful, strong image: A very sleek sophisticated image. These
cats know what they want and go for it. I’ve found that women like the label
now; they’ve gotten used to hearing it and they’re proud of it. Some women worry
about the predatory image, but that’s part of the fantasy. Most of my response
initially was from young men wondering where they could meet these Cougars.
They were dying to meet an older woman like that. Men have done it for centuries
-- chased after younger women -- yet they give older women doing exactly the
same thing a hard time. I like to even up things like that.
CS: What do you think is the biggest advantage in dating a younger man?
VG: Oh there’s absolutely loads of them. Not the least is their enthusiasm;
sexual enthusiasm, as well as enthusiasm for life. Young people are so open-minded.
They look forward to the future. They have a great deal of stamina and they’re
just optimistic and they’re longing to see life and enjoy it. These are a lot
of things that older women are feeling too. They don’t feel they’re old. They
don’t feel, unlike what society has said for years, that they should shut up
and go away and be invisible. No, no, no, they’ve got a ton of life to live
and often they are single by choice, or after a marriage or a couple of marriages
or whatever, and they are going to have a good time and enjoy their life, and
young men match that so well. They’re not looking to settle down at that point
-- have babies, mortgages, you know the whole bit. And neither are these women
that they want to date. Their choice is that they want to have some really great
sex, a good time, a good companion, have some fun -- so the match is excellent.
The young man learns so much from the older woman, who has a lot of skill and
experience in life.
CS: Is there a characteristic that all men share -- young or old?
VG: Well I think men love a woman who is sexually enthusiastic. These
women, these Cougars, are particularly enthusiastic sexually. I think
that no matter what age a man is, he’s attracted to sexual enthusiasm. All men
are attracted to vital women. The alive, interesting women with a lot going for
them. They don’t lean on men to complete themselves, and I think that’s very
important. Sadly, women are so afraid of aging, and there’s absolutely no need.
There are huge benefits to it; you get more relaxed; you get more confident;
you get more knowledgeable and those are lovely things to arm yourself with
and you can really enjoy your life how you want to. How you choose, not how
society chooses. An older woman looks at a younger man and says "I’d really
love to bed you,"...and he goes "Wow", then she's got this devoted younger
man who absolutely adores her...and he’s not going to let go.
CS: Even though we've made some progress in the last ten years, do you
think society will ever get to the point where it's okay for an older woman
to date a younger man?
VG: You know, I wonder about that. Most women are delighted that they’ve
finally been given this option. But I still get harsh reactions -- mostly from
women. Some young men seem to fear these older women. I wonder if the world
isn’t afraid of a sexually strong mature woman...it’s still an ongoing thing,
that somehow a sexual woman, a mature sexual woman is feared. Why? You could
have a whole story on that. I wonder if that’s something that’s very, very deep
that may never go away...there are definitely people who are afraid or at
least angry, as though we women shouldn’t do what men do. Like we’re undermining
some kind of rule, but who made the rule? A psychiatrist, which I am not,
would probably weed that out as something in the human psyche about mothers
or something. People say that to me, "Do they look at you as their mother?"
and I say "Are you kidding me?" No they don’t. That isn’t in their brain at
all. They don’t want to sleep with their mothers. They don’t want anything to
do with their mother sexually. They want a vital, attractive woman in bed. They’re
not looking at an age thing. They’re just looking at this very together woman
and desiring her.
CS: Do you ever see yourself with an older man again?
VG: Well you know...I could do, but he’d have
to be awfully young-minded, and he’d have to be fit and healthy and active.
I’m a career girl and very busy, and I like a youthful vital person around me.
I have tried, believe me I’ve tried. I finally got persuaded not long
ago about going older, and I tried -- I have never been so bored, and felt totally
out of place. I felt as though I was eighteen dating a fifty year old.
I did not feel comfortable with it, because I’m not used to it. I was married
to a guy fourteen years younger, and I learned so much from him. I am definitely
not in my age group mentally.
CS: You've been in the business for some time. Is there any change in
attitude towards you, as a woman who writes and speaks candidly about sex and
personal relationships?
VG: It is getting better. When I first started my column, people were
totally shocked that a woman would write about her sex life; openly, honestly
and using the proper words; chatter about ex-husbands and lovers. Initially,
some of my own papers wouldn’t carry some of it, but surely people see more
around them than what they read. Some react still and call me names they call
women they want to put down. But they’ve picked the wrong lady, really. I’ve
seen it all and done it all and I don’t give a damn. I know what women want,
and I know what my readers want. Male and female, and they like my honest, very
open approach. And the fact that I’ve made a hell of a lot of mistakes in my
life -- and am still making them actually -- I admit that. I’m not by any means
setting myself up as a doctor of sexuality or anything. I’ve never had any education
in that area, but what I have had is an education in life and love, sex and
relationships, marriages. They say this is a real person. They relate to me
on the level of I’m like them. I may be a little more well-known, but I’m just
an average woman. You know, trying to keep her kid, her life going, having a
good time and to hell with everybody who doesn’t think that’s right.
CS: You had a book signing at the Everything to do with Sex Show.
How was that?
VG: It was very well-attended, it was packed.
What made me happy was that there were people of all ages, teenagers up to quite
oldish couples, all interested. That wouldn’t have happened years ago.
CS: What's a typical day for Valerie Gibson?...And the perfect day?
VG: (laughs) Long. I get up quite early and
head into the office here and I do tons of e-mail. I try to answer them
all. I have three columns a week to write, and I do TV and radio, and in
the evening I go to functions that interest me or that I have to go to. I narrated
at the symphony in December. They did Shahrazad and I narrated
The Thousand and One Nights. I have a wide, eclectic sort
of life, but it’s always, always busy. I have friends to see; a sister
with Alzheimer’s; I have a mentally handicapped daughter I look after in England;
other personal things I have to look after, and four very lovely, demanding cats.
My favorite thing to do -- if I can get a night, and I try for Saturday, or
Sunday night -- is sit in front of a nice fire with a glass of wine and a book...to
me it’s heaven. I don’t have time to watch TV, so if I have any time I
love to read.
CS: What are you reading right now?
VG: Would you believe Harry Potter?
I’m a journalist for heaven’s sake, you have to know what’s going on.
We picked two kids from the Santa Claus Fund and I took them to see the
movie, so I had to catch up on the whole thing. It’s lots of fun and very
well-written. I know it sounds awfully dry but my favorite books are historical.
I’m an avid student of European and English history. And I love all that
-- ancient Egyptian and oriental cultures; Japan and China, so there’s a side
of me that not very many people know about.
CS: What are you most proud of?
VG: You know, I’m most proud that at forty-five,
I had nothing, absolutely zero. My marriage had broken down, and he made
sure I got nothing. I had no job, I had no home, and I had no money for
food. I had my three cats at that time, and my books, and suitcases, and
I started again. I’m very proud that I made it, I got this great job,
this job at The Sun, eighteen years ago. I built up everything from then,
I have a nice little home, and my child is well-looked after, and I have to
say I worked my butt off. You know why I’m proud of it? Because
I can say to women who think that their life is finished; their marriage has
broken up and they say "I’m forty-five and I can’t, I’m finished." I say
no, you’re not. There are so many women who think that life is over at that age,
and it isn’t. You can start again -- you can do it. It’s just hard
work, and it isn’t easy. As long as you see life as an adventure and you
decide to go for it. It’s the second half of your life -- make it better
than the first. It’s all attitude how you view life.
What I’m doing with this book is offering women an option,
it’s not for every older woman, but it’s an option when they want to date --
look wider. Don’t let the world tell you that if you are of a certain
age you’re no good, or finished or not valuable. You are.
They have a lot to offer and I really hope that if the book does nothing else,
some woman will put it down and say "Yeah, I can be myself and to hell
with other people."
CS: Beyond the obvious, what makes you sigh and say, "That makes me
feel good"?
VG: That’s what makes me feel good.
When I’ve talked to women and they say "I feel better now," or that being older
isn’t such a drawback. That I can help women understand that aging isn’t
a pit of death, and decay and disease. The three "D’s". That’s all
they talk about. Getting older is an adventure and if I can make just
one woman go out and have an adventure that makes me extraordinarily happy.
CS: There is always much mentioned of your multiple marriages.
VG: Yeah, five times...one after another.
CS: Do you bore easily, or are you a hopeless romantic?
VG: No, I’m optimistic, I think. Too
optimistic. I guess when I meet somebody and we get along great and we
have great sex and we enjoy each other’s company, I think this is great.
I’m always enthusiastic, and that might be a bit of a drawback under those circumstances.
And I tend to be happy. Looking back, I would probably have only married
the first -- you always marry the first -- and I might have married the fifth
one and lived in with the others. But in those days that was frowned on.
I don’t think I’ll marry again, because why would I need to? I’m having
such a good time in life, but if a fantastic man came along...I have been in
love and things like that -- I’m a bit of a -- I’m a Libra, for God’s sake.
We’re always in love. I’m just an optimist and I obviously like the institution
of marriage, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it so often. I like the closeness,
the sharing, togetherness, I like that. But I’m single now for the first
time in my life and I’m enjoying that. Just doing what I want to do.
I love that. Finally at this ripe old age, I’m on a new adventure.
...And we could all use a little adventure now and again.
