by Ann Regentin
(11/13/02)
Scientists have discovered a way to create functional penile tissue out of
a man's own cells, although so far it only works if the man in question is
a rabbit. Those working on the project have hailed its potential benefits
for children born with ambiguous genitalia or for men who have suffered
severe penile injury. However, the news coverage reveals the true source
of the intense interest in the procedure. Finally something that works for
what must surely be the greatest congenital scourge of all time: the
too-small penis!
Right. Let's get a grip.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a crotch-watcher, and a recent Playgirl
photo dropped my jaw because the damned thing looked to be about the size
of my forearm. However, I've never hit on a man because I was impressed
with the bulge in his jeans, and my reaction to the guy in Playgirl was one
of stunned shock. Since fisting isn't my thing, I had a hard time
imagining exactly what one could do with a member of such proportions. I
know there are women out there who are really into huge, but most of us
aren't, for some very good reasons.
The most important of them is the size of the human vagina. Normally, it's
simply collapsed in on itself, a bit like a deflated balloon, and about
three to four inches deep. At full arousal, it expands to somewhere around
five inches. The average human penis is about five to six inches long,
which means that most men have what it takes. Even more critical, the most
sensitive part of the vagina is the first few inches. The rest responds
somewhat to pressure but not to much else, and going in too deep can
actually hurt.
I had a friend once who had one of the coveted ten-inchers. His biggest problem
was that it was simply too big. More than one woman took a look at him and said,
"You're putting that where?" When he could find somebody willing to accommodate
him, he had to go very carefully. No deep thrusting for this man because if
he tried it, he would either hit bottom, hit an ovary, or both, and let me tell you,
hitting an ovary is right up there with hitting a testicle. They're very sensitive
and too hard of a poke can bring things to a screeching halt. And forget about
oral sex. Even the most adept sword-swallower is going to have a tough time
with a monster of such proportions. There is such a thing as having too much
of a good thing. As the owner of a vagina of average dimensions and the former
lover of a man with larger than average equipment (although not in the same
class as the aforementioned friend), I can attest to some of the difficulties.
A lot of the most common positions are tricky because it just won't all fit
and the urge to bury oneself is strong. As with other physical quirks, it makes
being experimental a requirement, but the standards are standards for good reasons.
They're comfortable and intimate. Unfortunately, for the overendowed they're
also a bit of a logistical problem. Women are not bottomless pits.
I strongly suspect that the large penis thing is in the same class as the
large breasts thing. Like huge penises, huge breasts are held up as a symbol
of sexiness and prowess, but in reality, they don't usually live up to expectations.
I spent most of my life a discreet 36 A or B, depending on the style of bra,
but after I got pregnant, I inflated to a 38DD. Although I eventually regained
my band size, I retained the postnatal cup size; they still floweth over. I
can do a great '40s pinup look now (I got hips, too), but I can no longer go
braless unless I'm sleeping. In fact, because they are entirely my own without
any surgical lifts or tucks, they have a disconcerting tendency to lose altitude
when I take my bra off. That silk chemise doesn't look quite right when your
boobs are at half-mast. Finding bras that fit properly is difficult. Finding
bras that fit and don't cost a fortune is worse. Finding swimsuits that fit
is almost a full-time job. Premenstrual breast tenderness has taken on epic
proportions.
As far as men are concerned, size doesn't seem to matter. My involuntary
breast enlargement has not resulted in hordes of men following me down the
street or asking for my phone number. They look, but they're guys and guys
look, and more seems to hang on the results of eye contact than on my bustline.
Although I suspect that my bosom would be of great interest to those
with a breast fetish, most men seem primarily concerned that I have
breasts, period. The exact dimensions don't seem to matter.
In other words, the only thing that has changed is my bra size and while I'm
not willing to undergo surgery to change things, I preferred having smaller
breasts. They were easier to deal with and the large version doesn't seem to
have conveyed any real benefit. I believe the same is true with the large penis.
While it may be good for locker room bragging, in real life, it doesn't always
fit where you want to put it. I don't know how it works for gay men, but you
can't put a ten-inch peg into a five-inch slot. Fellatio is much easier on an
average organ and while they make condoms for larger penises, most of them fit
-- you guessed it -- the average Joe.
This issue bothers me for the same reasons that breast augmentation
does. There is a time and a place for both types of surgery and so far,
the procedure shows a great deal of promise. Because the new tissue is
grown from the man's (or rabbit's) own penile tissue, the chances of
rejection are virtually nil. Perhaps fortunately, it's far from
perfect. Although the new tissue will do the job, the hydraulic pressure
isn't what it should be, resulting in a serviceable but spongy
erection. And while the rabbits were able to penetrate and fertilize their
mates, there seems to be no data on sensitivity. It's entirely possible
that there are sacrifices here, too, just as there are in breast
surgery. We just don't know. When you add to this the risks inherent in
surgery of any kind, not to mention the fact that the scalpel is in a very
touchy spot, it starts looking less and less like a panacea for masculine
insecurity and more like a great idea for those who really need it.
Is it really worth it to risk sacrificing a perfectly functional penis in
the hopes of porn-star proportions? The thing that worries me is that a
lot of men might think so. Breast augmentation is, fortunately, reversible
and a number of women have chosen to go back to their normal
dimensions. From what I've read, they've sacrificed some sensitivity and
taken on some new scar tissue in order to find out that large breasts
aren't what they're made out to be. Men looking at this new procedure in
hopes of expanding on their own assets might take a close look at why these
women made their decisions. The grass may look greener on the other side
of the fence, but that doesn't mean it's actually better.
Part of the problem is the issue of perspective. From his own vantage
point, every man's penis looks smaller to him than everyone else's. It's
called the foreshortening effect. When you look at something from above
and slightly behind, it looks smaller than when you're confronting it
head-on. So if you're thinking that it looks a little smallish, guys,
believe me when I say it looks a lot bigger to us than it does to you,
especially when we're at eye level with it. It also looks bigger to the
guy at the adjacent urinal than his does.
In my own experiences, I have never encountered a penis too small to do the
job. In fact, penis dimensions play no part in my overall assessment of
someone as a lover or potential lover. Far more important to me are how
much I enjoy his company, how he kisses, how he touches, how he tastes and
smells, how much time he likes to spend at it, if he can surprise me from
time to time, if he likes surprises, and ultimately, how I feel about
him. Genuine affection and mutual attraction are the most important things
of all. We can work out the details as we go.
So gentlemen, if you're now following the science news in hopes of maybe
adding just a teensy-weensy bit to your best friend in the not-too-distant
future, get out the tape measure. If you're anywhere in the neighborhood
of five or six inches, you're in excellent company. That's about how big
most men are. If you're on the small side, consider this: what is more
important, winning the locker room contest or winning in bed? Because
trust me, the qualifications are not the same.
