by Brian Peters
(4/4/01)

We've sometimes been forgetting to dress properly before partying. We might have read those cheery "Science Triumphs Over Disease" newspaper headlines and decided that AIDS is curable, if a trifle inconvenient. "It's the new millennium -- leave the quilts to the old folks, let's ride bareback!"

Ah, but it isn't so. Infection with HIV remains a death sentence, just a slower and more expensive one. And all the old microbes that struck fear before HIV became a media darling are still with us -- chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes simplex virus, human papillomavirus, hepatitus. Despite global positioning satellites, Doppler radar, and miracle drugs, science still can't control the weather, and it still hasn't made STD's irrelevant. So you still need a raincoat each time you have sex with someone who isn't your long-time monogamous partner -- each and every time.

To be effective, top hats need to be properly worn, so lets go over the recipe:

Ingredients:

One erect penis

One unopened condom package (be sure it's not past the expiration date)

One willing partner

Instructions:

Open the package, taking care not to damage the condom with fingernails, jewelry, or teeth. Place it at the tip of the happy member right side up (so that it rolls down freely). If the condom doesn't have a reservoir tip, pinch about half an inch of the condom to leave space for some of those fluids we're trying not to exchange. Roll the condom smoothly down the now eagerly straining penis. Engage in that bumping, grinding, orgasmic safer sex with the willing partner, being careful to hold the base of the condom when pulling out.

If it's an unlubricated latex condom, be sure to use only water-based lubricants (K-Y jelly, etc.), and not oil based lubes. However creative, sexy, or convenient they seem, Vaseline, baby oil, vegetable oil, whipped cream, and ice cream can leave microscopic fractures in latex, some large enough to let viruses through the barrier.

Treat unused condoms the way you would a bottle of good wine -- extremes of temperature aren't good for any condom, but they're especially bad (particularly heat) for latex condoms.

By the way, even though the recipe is straightforward, test it out before you have company. If you find yourself fresh out of those erect penises, any broom or mop handle will do. Don't worry if you find yourself giggling the whole way through the practice -- laughter is one thing that won't hurt either the condom or the practice.

Currently available condoms are made of one of three materials: latex, polyurethane, or lambskin. Lambskin is too porous to effectively prevent disease transmission, so you should use this sort of condom (if at all) only if your concern is contraception and nothing else. Latex are the most widely available, the most varied, and the cheapest. Unless one of the partners has an allergy to latex these are all good buys. Polyurethane condoms (some merchants call them "non-latex" condoms) are slightly more durable, unaffected by oil based lubes, less bothered by temperature, but nearly always more expensive.

So, we have diseases no one wants, and a simple recipe for dramatically reducing the risk of contracting them. So why aren't condoms nearly universal? Sure, it's because of the excuses.

1. Baby, don't you trust me?

Recognize this one for what it is -- emotional blackmail, pure and simple. Trust is earned, not presumed, and certainly never forced. More important than that, using a condom isn't a vote of no confidence in your partner's moral character, just a fair precaution against a disease they may not know they have. Nearly all STD's have an early stage when your partner can be infected and unaware of it; in the case of HIV, it can take up to six months from the time of infection to test positive for the virus.

2. Can I get you another drink?

Not an excuse as such, but a chance to point out that oil-based lubes are not the only substances that can be damaging to condom usage. Alcohol and drugs can affect your judgment, making, for example, charming glow-in-the-dark condom foreplay seem a silly bother. Mind and mood altering chemicals may have a place, but try to make that place among friends who will not be taking advantage of you.

3. It just kills all the spontaneity.

All right, we'll concede it's an extra step, and perhaps prolongs the act -- but is that a bad thing? It's not a race, folks; slow down and enjoy yourselves a bit.

4. All the sensation is gone.

Certainly it changes the sensations, although that isn't necessarily a bad thing. With all the shapes, sizes, and variations on condoms that are out there, go wild and experiment until you find the one that works best for you -- that kind of experimenting can be a lot of fun.

5. It isn't natural.

Pierced tongue, pierced nipples, pierced nose, tattoos on your genitals, and you want us to believe that your life is all about nature? Hey, it's not about nature, it's about style, and condoms are stylish. Trust us.

6. It's embarrassing to run them through the checkout line behind the oldster buying Puppy Chow for their dog Snookems.

Fair enough. If the fluorescent splendor of a national drugstore chain checkout doesn't do much for your romantic mood, there's always online shopping. Clean Sheets is an affiliate site for Drugstore.com and their rather extensive condom section. That gives you fair prices, good customer service, and delivery in a simple cardboard box that no one will look twice at.