by William Dean
(07/17/02)
Do you like to nibble on controversy, bite around the edges, or gulp it right down like a ravenous wolf? How about a controversy that's been around since before the beginning of recorded history and will still be going on hundreds of years from now? It's more than mere controversy, of course. It's a quest, one greater than that for the Philosopher's Stone or the Holy Grail. It's the search for the world's sexiest food, the true, universal, all-in-one natural aphrodisiac.
The first thing you learn when you begin the quest is that throughout history practically every imaginable food was thought to be the ambrosia of erotica, the bite that flamed lust into an unquenchable fire, the taste that made men's cocks hard and women moist. The history of mankind and womankind is paralleled by the search for the food that makes fucking inevitable.
Everyone has a theory; everyone has a favorite candidate. One theory relies on what is called sympathetic magic, symbolic representation. If it looks like a penis or a vagina, it must be an aphrodisiac. Consequently, erection-shaped mushrooms and labia-shaped dried figs, ripe, fuzzy butt-shaped peaches and smooth, engorged cockhead plums, phallic bananas and cuntlike oysters have been voted onto the list of sexual stimulants. Certainly since the Neolithic times, aphrodisiacs have been sought out with the sole purpose of letting the good times roll. Aphrodisiacs, intoxicants, and stimulants, like natural medicines of all cultures and eras, have prompted the imagination, the literature, and the science of us all.
Based on the theory that "If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it must be a duck," people have sought out and experimented with those things which resemble sexual organs. And Nature seemingly abounds in symbolic obscene shapes.
Consider the geoduck, for example. No, it's not a kind of duck at all. A geoduck (pronounced gooey-duck) is a huge, long-lived clam that flourishes in the Puget Sound region and along the British Columbian coast. They soon outgrow their shells and the tube or siphon elongates. If you look at a photograph of the geoduck it looks pretty much like a long, thick monster cock. Geoducks are prized highly for their delicious taste which resembles the finest abalone, soft, silky, melt-in-your-mouth stuff. Yum! Not surprisingly, geoducks are considered aphrodisiacal.
The mushrooms we're most familiar with look like small penises, a stubby shaft topped by a swollen head or cap. The ancient Greeks and Romans firmly believed mushrooms conferred sexual prowess and consumed them readily, particularly at ritual feasts. The shiitake, too, has for centuries been considered an aphrodisiac in Asian lands. But not all mushrooms look like a cock. Reishi mushrooms, for example, resemble orange-colored spiraling burls or sliced tree trunks, yet they, too, are considered a powerful "love booster."
The quest for the sexiest food doesn't stop with things that look like sexual organs, though. Another of the most ancient candidates as an aphrodisiac does look sensual, however. Its silken texture, viscous flow, stickiness, sweet scent, and exquisite taste may remind us of natural human sexual lubrication. It's honey from the honey bee.
The earliest records of human consumption of honey date from around 7000 B.C. The earliest civilizations awarded holy and royal status to honey, offering it to the gods in sacrifice. They also discovered that it could ferment into an intoxicating beverage called mead. Bees have made great contributions to human sexuality when you consider that today honey is still dripped onto lovers and licked off, candles (originally made from beeswax) are used in fetish play to drip wax on lovers' skin, bee pollen is used as a sexual stimulant, and one of the most popular adult sexual items is honey dust, also called honey powder. Not to mention that "back in the day," a hot babe was called 'the bee's knees."
Food items which have no real resemblance to sexual parts have also been or still are considered aphrodisiacs, as well. Many of these fall under the herb category. Coriander, also known as cilantro, was used as an aphrodisiac by the ancient Egyptians. The seed of the nutmeg tree has been used in China as a sexual stimulant since 600 A.D.
In the Middle Ages, monks and others fostered a real interest in the properties of herbs as a precursor to botanical chemistry and medicine, which were also influenced by superstition and mythology. Lavender, for example, was considered the herb of love. Curiously, this flavorful herb was thought both to be an aphrodisiac and to insure chastity. Talk about sending mixed messages!
Savory is yet another herb thought to have aphrodisiac properties. The Latin name for it, Satureia hortensis, is derived from the word "satyr" for the half-man, half-goat creature we often associate with Pan, who was noted for his rampant sexual hungers. We still call horny mature men "old goats" in his memory. The Saxons named it savory for its spicy, pungent taste and for centuries it has retained a reputation for regulating the sex drive.
Some rather unlikely foods show up on the list as aphrodisiacs. You might have to squint and use plenty of imagination to see a sexual symbology in things like onions, garlic, and asparagus, for example. Tomatoes, too, once called pomme d'amour or love apple, were thought pretty sexy munchies when they were first introduced.
It seems most new food items were considered exotic and aphrodisiacal. Coffee, tea, and chocolate were adopted quickly as sexy ploys for girls and boys, and they gained such popularity that they were banned in some time periods and nations. Seafood of all kinds were thought to be naughty, particularly clams, oysters, and phallic sea cucumbers.
Vegetables, many of which look pretty suggestive, like carrots, cukes, zucchinis, and eggplants, have spawned many a dirty joke with their glimmer of eye candy and penislike shapes. Oddly enough, escargots or sea snails, which resemble nothing less than small shriveled cocks, are considered high on the aphrodisiac list. Caviar, too, of course, and any kind of egg because of their suggestion of women's ovaries.
So, what is the world's sexiest food? Like I said, it's a mystery, a controversy, and the quest continues every time you walk down your grocery aisles, pick up a menu, or sit down to a meal. Bon appetit!
