by William Dean
It can be daunting
being a new product reviewer. Oh, sure, lots of people say, "Wow! You
mean you get to try new sex toys...for free! What a job!" They don't
think about all the hours and hours of, ummm, well, pleasure and stimulation
you must endure as you thoughtfully consider such important questions
as "Just how good does this feel?" and "How does this vibrator get
me off better than that other one?" The average person can just turn
off their critical responses and get jiggy with it all instead of
peering closely into their lover's face and trying to think of crisp,
effective adjectives to describe how ecstatic they look while the
reviewer applies teasing thrusts of the softly whirring device they've
When I received my box of goodies from Toys in Babeland (yes,
it was in a kind of plain, brown wrapper), I had to wonder
if the UPS dude suspected what was inside. I mean, the return address
doesn't even display Toys in Babeland, just a discrete
"TIB", but, since they do so much business, was Mister Experienced
UPS Guy thinking, "Hmmm, bet he's ordered the really large vibrating
cock-ring and as soon as I leave, he'll be..."
Okay, so he would have been right...in a way. The first thing
that greeted me, as my fingers tore open the box, was the attractively
packaged Dolphin Ring Vibe ($40). You couldn't describe it much
more correctly. While the catalog page on their Web site shows a
pink one, I was pleased that my new Dolphin playmate was a boyish
blue and was arch-backed in the classic image we all have of the
dancing sea mammal in mid-dive. Made of a clearish soft jelly, his
tail culminates in a stretchy, one-size-fits-all ring that comfortably
fits over a penis or the more popular penis-and-testicles combo.
It's a snug embrace.
There's plenty of tiny cord that leads to a variable thumb-switch
on the small black remote control box and battery compartment. Inside
the dolphin -- easily visible -- is a bullet vibrator that makes
the jelly shake and tremble. I was reminded, briefly, of the old
Fats Waller song "Must be jelly cuz jam don't shake that way." This
bullet vibe is quiet, too, unlike the old style vibes that sounded
like the walls were rumbling in a California earthquake.
I slipped the ring round me and switched it on. Hmmm, pleasant.
Wait a minute, I thought, I'm supposed to be testing this thing.
Oh, right. Humming along, I first tried the dolphin with its blunt
nose pointed upward and adjusted everything so the jelly nose just
lightly touched the head of my cock. It felt like a soft tongue.
Ohhhhh-kay. Just for variety, I then switched the ring around and
let Mr. D tingle my balls. Yes, murmured the quality-control part
of my brain. Yes, this works quite...nicely.
One additional perk to being a writer is the inflow of creativity
and inspiration. I could already imagine my lover's smile as the
purring dolphin's nose nudged her whoopee button or gently buzzed
between the cheeks of her butt. And, later, of course, we put ol'
Blue to the test...with excellent results.
But a reviewer's work is never done, so once my lover arrived
she eagerly poured out of the box the rest of the Babes in Toyland
toys like the proverbial kid at Christmas. A less confident man
might have been a wee bit jealous about all her "oohhhs" and "ahhs,"
but we're a hardy breed, we reviewers, so I merely noted them down
as "positive customer responses."
The other three items I'd received for "test and review" were
mini-vibrators: The Wrist Rocket ($18), the Butterfly Vibe ($28),
and the Fukuoku 9000 ($23...The original world's smallest massager).
My helpful lover eagerly volunteered to help me "review" them all.
The Butterfly Vibe is really a kind of full kit with a lipstick
sized vibe, a sexy black packet of lube, and a purple soft jelly
sleeve that fits over the vibrator. This is a slick attachment:
two rows of nubby protrusions on one side and a large molded butterfly
on the other. Needless to say, my blue dolphin and Ms. purple butterfly
were soon humming like mad between us while we proceeded to, umm,
you know, review the products. One of the coolest things about the
Butterfly Vibe, I discovered, was that you can turn it on for continuous
use or by pressing and releasing the bottom knob make it go on and
off with ease.
It was hard to concentrate on my questions:
"So, would you r-r-recommend this product to your f-f-friends?"
"Ohhhh. Oh, y-y-yes!"
"What about the product name? Do you feel the butterfly exciting
"Ohhh, wow! Y-y-yes. It is!"
"Are you sure?"
"Just a l-l-little longer, please. To be s-s-s-sure. Yessssssssssss."
Okay, then. Once satisfied -- Er, I mean that the products were
really special -- I turned on the Wrist Rocket and began running it
lightly over my lover's breasts and making it purr against her stiff
nipples as she continued to use the butterfly much lower down. She
was shivering and trembling and I made another note that the vibes
weren't the only things that were vibrating and purring. So was
So far, we were doing just fine with our "reviewing," but there
was still the hi-tech-sounding Fukuoku 9000. This tiny toy looks
like the Black & Decker of vibes. Its light blue case is about the
size of the Bullet Vibe, but has an adjustable finger ring so it
doesn't fall out of slippery hands during use. There are three different
exciter sleeves, each with its own special feel to make you and/or
your lover feel special, too!
The Fukuoku 9000 also comes with a handy black leather-like case
(with a belt loop!) for toting around next to your cellphone or
pager. Handy! The packaging also, thoughtfully, contains an extra
set of batteries, so you won't run out of buzz at just the right
Right. On with the review. With the Fukuoku 9000 on my finger,
we tried the different sleeves. One has ridges, another a pattern
of very tiny nubs, and the third has concentric rings o' pleasure.
Truthfully, it was very hard to determine which felt the best, and
everyone will have their fave, probably. We tried it solo on different
body parts and it definitely received the equivalents of, umm, thumbs
As a special reward for all our hard "reviewing," my lover and
I decided to go for the whole nine yards and switched on all the
vibes at once and buzzed ourselves into ecstasy (which I recommend
as reviewer and consumer!). After trying these products,
I can only say "Get one, get 'em all!" And th-th-thanks, Toys in
Babeland, for the t-t-t-turn on!