by William Dean
(03/05/03)
Anne Semans and Cathy Winks are lifelong friends and colleagues who've written three sex guides, edited one erotic anthology, sold thousands of sex toys, and braved numerous media interviews all to promote their simple philosophy: Everyone is entitled to a healthy and happy sex life.
Their newest book, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, is a completely
revised and expanded edition of their comprehensive, inclusive manual of how
to have the best possible sex.
This third edition of a classic features much updated information on the latest
developments in sex toys and technologies, the most current information regarding
sexual health, and a wealth of brand new material, including advice on negotiating
sexual changes over a lifetime, profiles of their favorite sex-positive educators
and entrepreneurs, quotes from over 400 survey respondents, aged 18
to 73, and gorgeous illustrations by Phoebe Gloeckner.
They were kind enough to brave yet another media interview for Clean Sheets.
CS: Is technology taking over our sex lives and how do we now strike a good balance between toys and living, breathing lovers?
AS (Anne Semans)/CW (Cathy Winks): Technology has always been used to enhance our sex lives, and there's no reason to see this as a bad or dangerous thing. Every new development in art or communications has always been pressed into the service of erotic expression -- whether Stone Age carvings, the printing press, novels, films, videos, DVDs, or the Internet. The creative impulse is intimately linked to the sexual impulse, so humans are drawn to experiment with the sexual possibilities of each new medium. People can waste a lot of time -- and lose out on a lot of sexual pleasure -- by making arbitrary distinctions between stimulation that is "natural" (usually defined as good) and stimulation that is "artificial" (usually defined as bad). It's natural to experience sexual stimulation with our brains and bodies -- whether this stimulation comes from a hot online encounter or a lover's voice in your ear, a vibrator or a lover's hands, is immaterial. And of course there's no reason we can't share both our fantasies and our toys with living, breathing lovers.
CS: You've said that a lot of input from outsiders helped determine
the changes in your newest book, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex. How
did the people contact you and, despite all the input, is there still a Silent
on Sex Majority in America?
AS/CW: We posted a survey on Good Vibrations' Website, and got about
400 responses from women and men aged 18 to 73. There was an impressive diversity
of sexual preferences and experience, but all the respondents shared an attitude
about our survey questions that can be summed up as: "Thanks for asking!" We
rarely receive permission to speak frankly about our own sexual desires and
experiences. Sex is used to sell products -- from clothing to CDs to pharmaceuticals
-- but most Americans suffer from a criminal lack of accurate, accessible sex
education in the schools, in medical settings, and in the media. This makes
it hard for the average Joe or Jane to stand up and name their desires. But
given a little encouragement and respect, people have plenty to say (the anonymity
of the Web has obviously been a huge boon in this department).
With every edition of the Good Vibrations Guide, we're guided by our survey
respondents' questions and concerns. We were inspired to write this third edition
to update readers on the latest trends and developments in sex toys and technologies,
to add the most current information regarding sexual health, and to cover some
brand-new territory. In response to reader feedback, we further broadened our
scope beyond toys and technique to add a discussion of how major life milestones
affect our experience of sex and to offer suggestions for navigating the sexual
changes caused by adolescence, pregnancy, parenting, menopause, and aging. Our
new chapter devoted to the World Wide Web gives readers a tour of the steamier
side of the Internet. And we added profiles of the sex-positive pioneers who
have made unique contributions to improving sex in America over the past quarter-century
(Candida Royalle, Betty Dodson, Nina Hartley, and many others).
CS: Women-based and owned sex stores and outlets, such as Good Vibrations
and Toys in Babeland, have changed the ambiance and style of adult toy stores.
What about women who are still newbies or still too shy or concerned about being
seen in a sex toy store? What would you say to them?
AS/CW: Um, probably what my mom used to say to me when I was a junior
high student: "Nobody's paying that much attention to you!" You may feel a little
overwhelmed and shy about the products on the shelves, but you can rest assured
that most of the other customers are feeling just as awkward as you are. The
great thing about feminist stores like Good Vibes and Toys in Babeland is that
the salespeople are well-informed and encouraging. They'll provide good information
about anatomy, sexual response, and product information -- and they won't rip
you off! That said, if you don't live in a town with a women-friendly sex store,
get thee to the Web. Good online sex toy retailers offer tips on product selection
and loads of free information. Plus, your anonymity is assured.
CS: Is there a general self pep-talk for women to consider before their
first visit to a sex toy store?
AS/CW: Have I mentioned that, "Nobody's paying that much attention
to you!" I'd also add, "Take your time." Feel free to browse and leave without
buying anything. Get a sense of the range of products and some of the factors
you'll want to consider before making a purchase. Maybe you'll want to buy some
sample packs of lubricants before you invest in a bottle. Or you may need to
go home and experiment with vegetables to determine what diameter dildo would
suit you best. Will you want a vibrator that's also a massager? One that's completely
silent? One that matches your bedroom decor? If you've never been to a sex toy
store before, these questions probably wouldn't have occurred to you in advance.
CS: What were some of the most startling things you learned about from
the input when you set about revising the older version of the Good Vibrations
Guide to Sex?
AS/CW: On one hand I was discouraged at the low sexual literacy of many of our respondents -- I can't tell you how many were unaware that the clitoris is the site of female sexual pleasure or that lubricant makes penetration feel better. On the other, I was touched by the enthusiasm and honesty expressed in all the responses. Women and men of all ages and backgrounds shared poignant memories of their first sexual experiences, detailed descriptions of their favorite sexual activities, humorous anecdotes about their sexual adventures, and thoughtful insights about the ways in which sexual desire has fluctuated throughout their lives. Our survey respondents also provided a lot of support for the idea that sex gets better as we get older and acquire greater wisdom, humor, compassion, and perspective.
CS: What can the average male reader find to help educate him in the
Good Vibrations Guide to Sex?
AS/CW: Both men and women will find advice and information on sexual
anatomy, desire, self-image, communication, and more. We offer explicit tips
and techniques on oral sex, penetration, masturbation, and SM. And the quotes
from survey respondents are often as erotic as they are enlightening.
CS: Is the current attitude about abstinence-only sex education just
wishful thinking? Aren't people, particularly the young, going to still engage
in sex whether they are educated about it or just groping in the dark? What
are the most important realistic issues about sex that virgins should consider?
AS/CW: The current emphasis on abstinence-only sex education is a huge
disservice to our youth, whose sexual health and safety are being sacrificed
on the altar of politics. The fact that federal funds only flow to programs
that emphasize the dangers of sex, and hold up monogamous intercourse as the
only acceptable and "normal" form of sexual expression would be laughable, if
it weren't so damaging. The Good Vibrations Guide includes our "Teens' Sexual
Bill of Rights" -- we feel teens have the right to accurate information about
sex, anatomy, birth control, safer sex accessories, and PLEASURE. Sexual desire
is a normal part of human existence, and teens are going to engage in sexual
activities whether or not they've received adequate sex education. Unfortunately,
those who aren't educated are far less likely to take the simple precautions
that prevent pregnancy and STI-transmission. I hesitate to dish out advice to
"virgins," since that term is so arbitrary: Is a young woman who enjoys manual
stimulation and oral sex with her partner a virgin? Is a young gay man who is
sexually active but has not had penis-vagina intercourse a virgin? All youth
deserve to understand how sexual response works, to know that sex involves the
whole body and mind (not just sticking tab A in slot B), and to access the information,
tools, and resources that will allow them to make responsible choices.
CS: Why, in your opinion, has masturbation, for example, been so anathematized
by society when everyone knew everyone else was actually doing it anyway? What
suddenly brought the solitary sin out into open discussion and acknowledgment?
AS/CW: We've inherited a variety of negative religious and cultural
beliefs about masturbation that we're not necessarily conscious of. There's
the Judeo-Christian belief that sex is only acceptable if it involves procreation.
In modern terms, this has been diluted somewhat to the belief that sex is only
acceptable if it involves two loving partners. Then there's the culturally widespread
myth that semen is a finite fluid, and that depleting this valuable substance
can sap a man's strength (a concept that lives on in the idea that athletes
shouldn't have sex before a competition). Although masturbation is increasingly
accepted as a "normal" activity, a lot of folks still consider it immature,
selfish, and somewhat embarrassing. I wouldn't say that it's burst out as a
topic of open discussion all of a sudden, but certainly there's been a gradual
relaxing around the subject. Large-scale sex surveys have been around for almost
100 years, so by now the word is getting out that just about everybody masturbates!
CS: What are the three most important things we can do to help us develop a better sex life?
AS/CW: #1) Recognize that a healthy sex life is your birthright. #2)
Explore your desires and identify what gives you pleasure. #3) Communicate honestly
and respectfully with your partners. #4) (Bonus) Lighten up.
CS: What are the things, apart from good, satisfying sex, that you are most passionate about?
AS/CW: The dismal state of sexual and health literacy in this country.
The horrifying lack of access to reproductive options for women around the world.
On a lighter note, I can get pretty passionate about stimulating conversation,
good food, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You can visit Anne Semans and Cathy Winks' Website by clicking here
