by William Dean
(02/04/04)
So you're driving up from Vienna and suddenly -- there it is! -- you pull off and park, scramble out of your rental car, giggling and laughing, stand beside the notorious sign (if it hasn't been stolen again!), whip out the camera, and click. Like thousands of other tourists, you now have your own personal souvenir of yourself standing next to a plain sign that proclaims you're in Fucking, Austria (48' 03" N 13' 51" E). It's a small village, but you'll probably be inspired to get a room for the night just to be able to regale your friends with how good the sex was in Fucking.
To put the name of this tourist spot in historical perspective, when Leif Erikson and his Viking buddies were settling Vinland in North America, when the Normans were conquering England and the Crusaders recapturing Jerusalem, the good folks in Northern Austria were naming their settlement Fucking. As the natives might say, "Ja, we've been Fucking since about 1070 A.D. and we're still Fucking."
There are scattered around the world a number of salacious and lusty-sounding places, and the tourist with a few extra bucks and a mind easily skewed to the lewd might genuinely get a frisson-type thrill just from being in them. What you do there is up to you, but you cannot fail to feel a little differently and to readily flash a grin through proximity with such places as...
Wank Mountain in Bavaria; Titz, Germany; Clit, Romania; and Cunter, Switzerland.
Bienvenue a Pussy, France. Welcome to Pussy. Yes, it's spelled that way. Like Fucking, Pussy is an old settlement and boasted of almost 500 people back around 1561. The little village was incorporated into the commune of La Léchère (which you might be tempted to mispronounce La Lechery, n'est pas?) in 1972. Pussy is located near the Isère River and the mountain of Mont Bellachat. Please note, too, that "chat" is a common French slang term for -- naturally -- pussy.
Or maybe, you'd rather take a leisurely cruise along France's lovely river Baïse (baiser, without the accent, is a another one of those French slang terms for the verb "to fuck," just so you know). The languid waters of Baïse eventually bring you (again, naturally) to the river port city of Condom in the department of Gers. Well, baisez moi, but safely in Condom.
Just across the Channel, you'll find some mind-tickling places in Merrie Olde Britain. Down south near Cornwall, for example, there's a tor or high, craggy hill called Brown Willy (Willy, for the unknowing, is a common Brit term for the penis). Lickey End in Worcestershire, England might get you some smiles if you stop locally to ask directions. England also hosts places called Pratt's Bottom, Prickwillow, Penistone, and the always popular Wetwang. If you're ever in Dorset, you may want to take a brief pause beside the river Piddle.
Over on the Welsh border, you can drive around Lord Hereford's Knob and up in Northern Ireland, nestled in County Donegal, you'll find the town of Muff. Blunt, gruff, no-nonsense Scotland has a small town on the Orkney Islands simply called Twatt.
English-speakers have always chuckled at some of the curious place names in the Far East which are not at all raunchy in their native tongues. Take Fuku, China, for example, or Phuket, a popular resort area in Thailand. Even Bangkok (although noted for its sex industry) only becomes confusing to the Western-mind when known by its more poetic and full name of "Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit." And, of course, we mean no offense when we can't quite suppress our smiles at hearing of the village of Dikshit, India.
Current neo-con pseudo-prudery aside, citizens of the United States live amid a plethora of naughty-sounding places and a drive through almost any state will eventually produce somewhere you'll want to vacation or, at least, send a postcard from.
Won't your friends sport a sly grin when they receive your note postmarked, say, from Beaver, Blue Ball, or Intercourse, Pennsylvania? How about from Peckerwood Lake, Bald Knob, or Toadsuck, Arkansas? There's Big Bone Lick in Kentucky and Indiana hosts both French Lick and Gnaw Bone. Maybe you'd like to spend some time exploring Climax in Colorado and the other one in Michigan. Knob Lick, in Missouri, sounds like a fun place to check into a local bed-and-breakfast.
There is, indeed, a place called Boring, Oregon, but the state also has Wankers Corner, so maybe it balances out. At first glance nothing looks amiss in Mianus, Connecticut, but look twice and one can but wonder what the view is like. Certain fetish folk and subs might like to shop for knick-knacks while on vacation in Bottom, North Carolina.
Our northern neighbor, Canada, has beautiful scenery, as well as a few places that make the mind whirr with promiscuous promise, such as the now world-famous Dildo, Newfoundland (don't you want a souvenir T-shirt or coffee mug?) I, for one, would certainly enjoy a little sail in Shag Harbor, Nova Scotia. Saint-Tite, in Quebec, sounds like a nice place to lay one's weary head after the long drive over from Sexsmith, Ontario, and contemplate just who Smith was after all.
On the other hand, as I sit here amid the flood of travel brochures, maps, and ticket offers, I really think I ought to get to Fucking soon. See you there!
