by Naomi Darvell
(06/16/04)
A surprising benefit of mixing [affairs and marriage], the feeling of another's body only heightened my awareness of [my wife's], possibly because the language of the body, like all language, operates by revelation. And having another lover also elevated my awareness of my own body, allowing me to feel more alive in my bones.
--"Hank Pine"
Nonmonogamous relationships have been popping up here and there in the mainstream press this season. I'm not talking about studies of polyamory as a concept, or discussions of people who belong to polyamorous communities. These are people who have discovered on their own the idea of opening up relationships and write to share their experiences or ask for advice.
An article in the April edition of Elle was advertised on the magazine's cover with the rather inflammatory words, "She Lets Me Cheat." The piece turned out to be a searching treatment of how "Hank Pine" and his wife made the transition from his sneaking around on the side to both of them openly having other lovers. It ends up that despite the "She Lets Me Cheat" business, it's Hank's wife who is in a more long-term relationship outside the marriage, while Hank has been in and out of relationships, but nothing quite so serious. Things between husband and wife sound fairly balanced -- as balanced as can be, perhaps.
Cary Tennis, Salon's advice columnist, has recently been fielding mail from people who are trying, in one way or another, to remain in a marriage where at least one person wants to pursue other relationships, too. A woman who was married at 19 wants, now that she is 25, to try sex with other people, including women. Her husband is dead set against it, but Tennis gives her this advice:
The one thing that makes sense is to first vigorously, passionately exhaust all avenues in the marriage for discreet exploration. What can you do between the two of you to make your life more exciting? What exactly might he agree to? Would he have to know about every possible thing you might do? What about some kinds of structured or therapeutic physical encounters? Would he be OK if you went out with other women as opposed to other men? Would he be interested in a threesome with you and another woman, perhaps? Would he be OK if perhaps you agreed that you'll take a trip and whatever you do on that trip is your business and it won't be discussed? [...] All I can say is, struggle with this until some kind of truth and certainty emerges.
Tennis also hears from an Episcopalian priest whose wife has realized she's a lesbian. The priest -- who sounds adorable -- explains: "We are still very much in love. I was accepting of homosexuality before this happened, so I am accepting of hers as well. But at times it has been very confusing. She has insisted that while she is not generally attracted to men, she is attracted to me -- that I am the exception." He and his wife live together; she is also in a relationship with a woman who lives nearby -- with another man. He is dealing with insecurity and wishing he had his wife to himself. Tennis pretty much supports him, although clearly he finds the situation odd: "So I think it's admirable that you are working it out, but it's foolish to expect it not to be painful..."
Writer and editor Jed Hartman, commenting on the Elle article, says he wishes Hank and his wife had discovered the Internet: "On the one hand, it's nice to see a poly-positive piece in a mainstream magazine; on the other hand, I feel sorry for the couple for having to work all this out on their own. If only they'd tried the Internet, they would've found alt.polyamory, and more good advice than they could possibly use."
Yes -- and in fact, none of these people seem even to know the word "polyamory." Of course, they may be thinking of what they're doing as "swinging" or "open marriage." The examples here could be either of those things, although both terms seem to me somewhat dated and quaint. They make me think of phenomena like the "key party" in The Ice Storm. "Open marriage," especially, suggests one marriage at the center with people coming in and out of it, whereas poly embraces (to quote Jed again): "multi-person marriages...chains and vees and triangles and polyfidelitous relationships and line marriages and on and on and on -- there are many other possibilities in addition to the flings-on-the-side approach..."
But the fact is, none of the people in these three articles uses any name for their arrangements at all, or seems to realize that they're not alone. Wouldn't it be comforting if they knew nonmonogamy was a thing people did and talked about? Even the Elle guy, who seems to be the happiest with his setup, laments that he feels he can't use his real name for the article, and that depresses him. He says, "And yet the public disclosure of this fact would endanger everything from careers to friendships to our standing in the community." In terms of the actual difficulties of the relationship(s), he also describes his feeling of jealousy as "inane" and "stupid," like "its dumb cousin anger." It sounds almost as if he's blaming himself for not handling everything instantly or perfectly. A read of The Ethical Slut would encourage him to examine jealousy in depth and deal directly with it.
Granted, there can be something sexy about not knowing anything, about feeling that you're venturing into strange, uncharted areas. Hank Pine talks about how his wife and one of his girlfriends were also friends, and how he liked that in a perverse way. "I imagined the two of them getting drunk and talking about me." In the poly world, this scenario would be pretty normal and thus, in one sense, lack the illicit thrill Hank describes. On the other hand, talking to people in the poly community would also let Hank know that he's barely scratched the surface (as Jed suggests) of relationship possibilities.
A cruise through alt.polyamory, too, would bring not only possible solutions for people like those who write to Tennis, but a wealth of information, anecdotes, and debates. One thing I love about a group like this is that it does not proselytize. They're not looking to justify poly, or to push it on anyone. You have to find them. Once you do, you get a pretty candid view of things.
In the latest crop of postings, there are answers to questions you might never think to ask. How do you pay attention to both of your partners at one time, so that no one feels left out? One person suggests that, in a sexual threesome, it works best when it's two people focusing their attentions on the third. What if you're planning to alter your body with, say, tattoos and piercings, someone asks? People discuss how, if at all, they negotiate this with their various partners. A woman asks how to deal with anxiety about her male partner's other woman. One answer: "Make love to her yourself." People talk about what it's like when someone says, "I saw your wife kissing another man," and you say, "I know! He's a good friend!" I have to think all this must be fascinating as well as reassuring for anyone embarking on this type of life.
Now, I'm not polyamorous, although it's not something I've ever ruled out. But I am interested in various kinds of kink and have been all my life. So I've experienced my sexuality both before and after discovering the Internet. I know what it's like to nurture it more or less in secret, with a small collection of smutty Edwardian books and the occasional startle in a mainstream book or movie that makes you think, "I'm not alone out here." Later I got active, finding people to play along with me and even going to some of the kinky clubs -- all still without the Internet.
When I found such Usenet groups as soc.sexuality.spanking and soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm, they were already well established. And I was already familiar with the scenes, so I was surprised less by the content of the groups than by the atmosphere of excitement. People were discussing these things, and not just admitting they did them, but exploring the history and literature of the kinks, and how the practices varied from one part of the world to another. People talked about how they resolved the kinks with their regular lives, and about the times then they wished they could stop being kinky altogether. Weird as it sounds, it was the cerebral quality of the groups that kept me hooked.
As different from the Elle and Salon people as I might have been in terms of the stage I was at, I think I got something from Usenet similar to what they might have received. There was a sense I didn't get from visiting a leather club at night, that anyone at all might be involved in this sexual alternative. That high school teacher living across the street might be one of the posters to sss or ssb-d. Perhaps more important, there was what Cary Tennis tried to give the people who wrote to him: the acknowledgment that it is difficult. You're not supposed to find these things easy. Writing to a young gay man, who comes to ask about his first relationship with a poly person, a poster to alt.polyamory says, "Beginnings are tender. Keep talking." It's complicated, she suggests, but it's possible. I find that a wonderful message, one that everyone should hear.
