At least once a week I stand in the checkout line of my
supermarket, surrounded by racks of women's magazines. The
covers all scream at me with offers to clue me in about sex.
"Ultimate Orgasm Secrets!" "How to Tell if He's Good in Bed!"
"75 Ways to Thrill a Man!" Do people really memorize lists of
things like moving your butt from side to side during doggie style,
or sucking someone's big toe? I can't imagine any of this stuff
changing my sex life -- except maybe the odd hint about getting rid
of rug burn.
Now along comes Liza Featherstone, in the Columbia Journalism
Review, with evidence that the magazines lie about sex. Who
knew? I've been living in the U.S. for years and, let me tell you, the
idea of people lying about sex in public just shocks my socks off!
Of course, when our politicians lie, the reasons are not far to seek.
What about the mags?
Featherstone says stories are invented or "tweaked" for various
reasons. They may be changed to fit it in with the tone of the
magazine or to conform to people's preconceived notions.
"Many attribute the fibs to deadline pressure, and the need to
produce continuously diverting copy. 'It has to get out the door and
it has to sell,' says one editor."
Since I like to write about sex myself, I'm curious. What kinds of
lies move magazines?
Next time I'm in the supermarket, I pick up the big three: Marie
Claire, Glamour and Cosmopolitan. One thing hasn't changed since
the last time I looked: These magazines seem to be peddling a very
funny kind of logic. An item near the front of Glamour tells us that
51% of women who condition their hair have sex frequently. Of
those who don't condition, only 31% are getting it much. Where's
the cause and effect here? I'm betting that people who screw a lot
buy conditioner to tame their severe cases of bedhead, not the other
way around. Hmm, and I notice the "survey" was conducted by a
firm that makes conditioners.
What about lies? Oddly enough, Glamour seems to bend over backwards
to assure you its interviewees are real people, with names, photos, and credentials.
A piece on one-night stands asks, "Is it worth it?" Well, sure, some of the
respondents (writers; standup comics; actors) say. But look at their stories.
One girl goes out with a friend; they pick up two guys. But her date turns out
to be impossible because...he has hair plugs! In another tryst, described as
successful, they have to fuck on the floor because a cat has pooped
on the bedspread.
This is starting to remind me of those Sex and the City episodes
where a date is perking along nicely until we find out that the new
person collects dolls or wears children's-sized clothes or lives with
his mother. Oh, look! A couple of these interviewees work for
cable TV companies.
Let's try Marie Claire. An article called "Why I Love His..." also
features photographs of the people interviewed: straight couples,
this time, with first names and jobs ("sex educator;" "tattoo artist").
The reality quotient is indicated, maybe, by the art on the first
page. It's a parade of bright yellow bananas. One of them has eyes
popping out of its "head." No, wait. That's a cock piercing -- on a
piece of fruit.
The couples talk about the size and behavior of the guy's member.
A woman called "Ducky" says her husband's dick looks just like
Iggy Pop's. Her boyfriend claims he'd noticed the resemblance too.
Independently. He also says "[I]t looks like I have a second
urethra." It is, I admit, sort of hard to imagine making up a lie like
that.
A man with a huge penis ("The Monster") claims his member is so
demanding that he's had to fuck his partner on a train because it
"came out." A penis with a mind of its own -- nope, I never heard
that one. Did they pick the big penis to describe that way because
it's got the biggest IQ? My favorite is the small penis: the only one
that's not described physically at all. The guy instead talks about
all the wonderful things he can do with other parts of his body. I
guess once your genitals are below a certain size, no one wants to
hear about them.
I've saved Cosmopolitan for last because it looks the most sexually
aggressive. Here's an article, "Men Spill their Most Shameless
Secrets," which has some truly nutty stories. One man ("Matthew,
29:" no photo or profession here) claims his girlfriend walked in on
him with another woman -- and just as quickly ran out, fell, and hit
her head. Knocked unconscious, she didn't remember having
caught him. Worked out well for him!
A couple of these guys' "shameless secrets" are so innocuous you
wonder what they've really been up to. Your most heinous behavior
was sneezing in a girl's face when you went to kiss her? Your
worst experience was having a cap fall off your tooth right before a
date? And who walks into a room, spots two people going at it on
the bed, and says, "What are you doing?"
These stories, chock-a-block with b.s. as they seem, aren't really
all that different from the others. They make sex sound wacky, a
matter of cartoon pratfalls and blowjobs under restaurant tables.
(That one was on Sex and the City.)
Is there anything good here? Well, the idea that sex can be funny.
If you are timid sexually, or mending from a messed up
relationship, it might be reassuring to read about a world where the
risks and consequences of sex are so small. But isn't that sort of
like the lying our politicians do: an effort to make life seem
simpler than it really is?
Now, I should admit I'm a bit ambivalent on the subject of sexual
lying generally. Sex and lies go together like...well, sex and lies. I
think it's a shame that lying is expected in public. But, in private,
I've had a few friends and lovers who've lied, shall we say,
constructively. During one courtship which took place largely
long-distance, by phone and online, "Martin" told me all about
experiences he'd had spanking women. I knew at least some of his
stories were tweaked, because he told them in different ways. He
was, I figured, trying to let me know not just what he'd done in the
past but what he'd like to do in the future, with me. And since he
knew I was bisexual, he was piling on the details I would find hot --
not just about himself but about his female partners.
Completely ethical? No, but there was a certain not quite explicit
collusion. I would say, "I thought Sophie was the one who..." He
would laugh and say, "Is that what I told you?" Above all, I guess,
I enjoyed his stories. Literally true or not, they told me something
true about him. That's exactly what our public lying, packaging
and spinning doesn't do.
