by Kristine Hawes

Condoms are the sex candy of the '90s; they're everywhere, out of the closet, and into our bedrooms in mass quantity. Safe sex is a mantra for today's sexually active person; condoms provide the net we require. For the most part, however, condoms have maintained their boring latex configuration and haven't changed too much over the past few centuries. Until now.

Meet the "Tire Iron" line of condoms.

Made from recycled car and truck tires, these condoms are for the sexual overachiever, for the adventurous, for the safe-sex obsessive. They are not for the faint of heart. They come in three "flavors": "The Cruiser," "The Snow Chain," and "The Steel Belted." All three are black, with varying degrees of tread size, mileage, and hazard protection. Each costs, on average, $49.95 with trade-in; rotation and alignment is not included in the price. Balancing is free.

"The Cruiser" The most subdued of the "Tire Iron" line, this is the baby for the long haul. Got a hot date and a night to spare? This is the condom for you. Sleek, with a low-profile tread that is guaranteed to please, this condom will go the distance. At an average speed of four orgasms per hour, this condom has a 20,000-mile warranty. Our reviewers found the easy-to-slip-on shape and its extra smooth surface a huge plus.

One negative aspect of "The Cruiser" is its annoying tendency to hydroplane. On the crest of the orgasmic hill, "The Cruiser" will sometimes cause extra slippage and cause the driver to lock his brakes. Our reviewer found that when this happens, it's just better to roll with it until you slowly come to a stop. Hopefully, the ride will be worth it.

"The Snow Chain" This little darlin' is just right for the cold winter nights and a heavy breather. Got a sexual overachiever on your hands and in your bed? This is the condom -- its thick, quarter-inch tread is just right to ensure steady rocking through the most tumultuous of lusty storms. Even the most lacking of men will find this condom to their liking: slipped on, it stands firmly at two and a half inches in diameter, deep black, and treads like teeth. Grrrrr!

One great thing about "The Snow Chain," which was lacking in "The Cruiser," is its ability to grip and hold in the most treacherous of situations. Want to use the belt sander but afraid the "old horse" condom can't stand the stress? Use "The Snow Chain" -- our reviewer found that even upside down and in a machine shop, this condom will stand tall.

Some women might find the thick, bumpy tread somewhat daunting at the beginning. Girls, we recommend sticking with it. The screaming orgasms are to die for. You'll use that guaranteed 40,000 miles. We just know it.

"The Steel Belted" This is the upper crust of the "Tire Iron" line, and it's a beauty. It has a fat profile, a narrow, intricate tread, and a warranty of (get this, girlfriend) 100,000 miles! Yeow! We're talking a cross-country condom, y'all. It's been tested rigorously by a group of German nuclear scientists and British housewives who found it "...marvelous. Bloody marvelous."

"The Steel Belted" was just made available here in the United States after a lengthy lawsuit impeded its availability: an aide in the White House staff was maimed by tight steel band breaking against her thigh. The illegal import was seized and charges were brought against Safe-T Tires concerning their production methods. The suit has since been dropped in favor of bombing the fascist Latvian town of Jurmala.

Proponents of "The Steel Belted" sing the praises of its firmness under the harshest of conditions, its gripping power in the wettest of pleasure plays, and its undying efforts to keep going under the most brutal pounding.

One of the detriments of "The Steel Belted" is that if it does get torn, ripped, or shredded, it may cause severe internal chafing. Not to worry! With the patented MicroMend (tm) system, the condom will be able to hold together for a good hour or so -- just enough to reach your desired passion destination. Safe-T Tires, however, takes no responsibility for any permanent damage that may occur.

The "Tire Iron" line of condoms may be found at almost every adult toy store, your local auto supply retailer, and through some car dealerships. Remember to ensure they are Safe-T Tire Condoms -- "For the ride of your life." (tm)

The preceding parody was brought to you by the friendly and odd staff of Clean Sheets Linen Closet product reviews. Any similarity to persons, companies, or condoms, living or dead, is purely coincidental.