reviewed by Kathryn Ptacek

I've always had a fascination for thesauruses, dictionaries, and other collections of words and phrases, and now comes (if you'll pardon the term) The Bald-Headed Hermit & the Artichoke. I also love to look up naughty words in the dictionary. In the past I haven't had much success, since the bluenoses that put these volumes together seem to operate under the mistaken belief that if rude and dirty words aren't listed in dictionaries, they won't exist.

Now I can look all sorts of things up in this useful -- and fun -- tome. And what's more, you can, too.

Toronto psychiatrist and journalist Peterkin has put together a seductive volume, consisting of the mundane four-letter words and phrases you see scrawled on walls, as well as some fairly cryptic stuff ("Jersey cities" and "chee-chees" for breasts, "go like a rat up a rhododendron" for "to copulate").

As Dr. Peterkin says, "the language for things sexual in English is outrageously rich." The good doctor also says that erotic slang terms in the English-speaking nations -- the United States, Canada, Great Britain, Australia, etc. -- "number into the tens of thousands; penis alone has well over 1,400 synonyms."

And don't I know that. Those 1400 synonyms take up seven pages. Believe me, nothing else in the book comes close to the space given to penis and its pals.

Of course, in the past it was heterosexual men who made the slang and wrote it down for later generations to whisper salaciously to their friends, and various groups such as, oh, women and gays and lesbians -- in short anyone not a heterosexual man -- were short-changed. Often terms relating to those "fringe" groups were less than positive. As the good doctor says in the "vagina" section, "many of these terms are derogatory, often deriving from male fear and/or ignorance."

Quite unlike other compilations, this one includes words from the gay and lesbian communities as well.

The Bald-Headed Hermit is divided into over one hundred sections, ranging from Abdomen to Wife, with numerous stops along the way for Androgyne, Breast Implants, Condom, Fellatio, Lick, Lust, Ménage à Trois, Nipples, Pubic Hair (sections for both Female Pubic Hair and Male Pubic Hair), Transsexual, Underwear (General and Male), etc.

Peterkin lists the routine vulgar words as well as the amazingly obscure. In the Genitalia, Female (General) section I found "beaver" and "bearded clam": words most of us are familiar with if we've read more than seven books in our lifetimes. But what about these: ace of spades, antipodes (well, just how erotic is that?), black badger, Cape Horn, Cupid's corner (or Cupid's cave), Eve's custom house, gutted rabbit, hairy magnet, Lord knows what, map of Tassie, rubyfruit, and a host of other colorful slang.

Some expressions are quite poetic: "air the orchid" (Female Masturbation) and "crystal palace" (Male Brothel).

Food and sex being tied irrevocably together, many of the synonyms seem rather tasty: candy stick, eat a tuna taco, eat sushi, pineapple, cheesecake, cherry pie, mustard, get one's banana peeled, cake, cauliflower, cabbage (and cabbage field and patch), golden doughnut, jam, jelly-roll, hot tamale, cantaloupes, gourds, dumplings, chestnuts, guavas, honeydews, peanuts, pears, peaches, marshmallows, meatballs, bell peppers, cupcakes, sugar cookies, give mutton for beef, tootsie roll -- excuse me, but my stomach is rumbling right about now.

The book is sprinkled throughout with black and white photos and drawings from various decades; the press release says it contains "numerous naughty pictures." Interestingly enough, those three words are in boldface and larger type than the rest of the sentence. I guess that was something that was supposed to just leap out and draw your eyes. Excuse me, your "baby blues," your "mince pies," your "Nelly Blighs," ... you get the picture.

My only criticism of this passion primer is that Peterkin did not list derivations of these fascinating words. I would have loved to see just where and when an erection became known as "on the honk" (or "on the bonk"), not to mention "tilt in one's kilt" and "crimson crowbar." Well, a index would have been nice, too; you're out of luck if you know the phrase already but not what it means ("boo-boo head" refers to a type of person, not a body part).

Overall, though, this is a fun and interesting book, and no more can sloppy smut scriveners say, "his big penis entered her." Nope. Now the beaver cleaver/bulging basket/donkey dick/big boy bassoon/nine-inch knocker can bore, dig, drill, drive, force, stab, stick, tear, thrust, and whack. Believe it or not, I did leave some synonyms out.

If you think of words not listed in this book, don't worry. The author provides the address and Web site of the publisher for word submissions. I've already thought of two.

Oh, by the way, "bald-headed hermit" (or "bald-headed candidate" or "bald-headed mouse") refers to both the penis and the glans, while "artichoke" is "a poetic metaphor for vagina, referring to that plant's leaves, and the sensuous pleasure of peeling and eating the flesh between them."

So, now you know, next time someone asks you at a cocktail party.