reviewed by Elaine DiRico

I received an e-mail this week about another review I had written. Seems the writer was bothered that I love the books I write about. "A real critic," he writes, "is not unilaterally enthusiastic." So, I am "outed..." I am not a real critic. That said, I do offer this in my own defense: sexuality is a difficult and subjective area. What one person loves another will hate. It is like trying to write restaurant review of someone's favorite restaurant. As much as I think liver and onions are ambrosia, most folks hate it... So I read a lot of books and the ones I love I write about and say why I love them.

I love this book. Jack Morin is replacing Elvis in my personal Pantheon. He has several "mannerisms," for want of a better word, that I adore. He refers to sex, and "partnered sex" in this book, validating masturbation. Hurrah! He also refers to a partner as a lover, not a spouse or any other gender reference. But the great thing is that this is a book about arousal. After all the "nutz and bolts" style of sex books, what a wonder this one is. It is about precisely this: what arouses you, why it does, and how to make that better. He uses some case studies, and a lot of compassionate discussion. I can tell when a book is getting to me -- I throw it. "That's not true!!" I was on my second copy of this one before I finished it, I had thrown it so often, and it was all true. And it fit together well.

Morin uses several tools, writing assignments, and such, to help you identify your erotic patterns. While there are a few references to how these patterns were set, this is not in any way a fix-it book. It is, in fact, a guideline for making those patterns more enjoyable! One of the best exercises in the book was this: write down your top three peak sexual experiences. Read later and see what they have in common. (Yes, this was the first time I threw the book.) This gives you some good clues to your CET or Core Erotic Theme.

According to Morin, there are four "corners" of eroticism:

Longing and anticipation

Violating prohibitions

Searching for power

Overcoming ambivalence

In looking at your "CET" as gleaned from your peak erotic experiences, you will likely find that one of these themes is paramount, with perhaps one or two others playing a lesser background. Many of these deeply formed responses seem to be formed in interaction with our parents for attention. But Morin avoids the pitfalls of psychoanalysis. (When did "My mother made me do it" replace "The Devil made me do it," or have they always been the same thing?) As he says in the beginning of the book, Freud made all but a narrow window of sexual practices pathological, and then Masters and Johnson's so cleansed and purged sexuality of guilt and anxiety, making it downright hygienic, that sexuality, with elements of both, and needing anxiety and guilt to be fun, rather disappeared here in the twilight of the century.

Of particular interest to me, was the anti-aphrodisiacs that we all sense but that don't make sense. Closeness for example, is a killer for lust. ("Absence makes the heart grow fonder?...go wander?") And availability is almost equally lethal. Women have known forever about the "will you respect me in the morning syndrome." But if your object of lust is aroused by overcoming ambivalence, as many men are, there is nothing less erotic than availability...(sigh).

But there is hope. In Morin's clinical practice, it appears, once one is aware of what the "hot buttons" are, there is a certain distance established. While they are no less powerful, once you can see the how and the why of arousal, you are in control of it... A heady thought that! Conversely, others' "hot buttons" become more visible, make more sense, are easier to push, and even more fun.

There are few more activities that touch our souls. It seems that our quantitative lives compartmentalize and left brain almost everything. But our erotic selves are the quirky, soulful aspects that make us unique, and ultimately what hooks us to the most important and influential people in our lives. Nice to have a manual of how all this weirdness works, instead of just handed the erotic identities like some unconscious VCR, and hope with time and experimentation to be able to in fact set the clock.