Reviewed by Stacy Hellen
(4/5/00)
I noticed that one of the accolades on the back cover of The Guide to
Getting It On! proclaims it an "AWESOME BOINKING BIBLE!" Oh my. If
only the Gideons were putting free copies of this book in every
nightstand drawer in every motel in the world!
The Guide is a whopping 51 chapters of instruction, advice and
anecdote about nearly every aspect of sex and sexuality the average
person could come across in his or her lifespan. Is it complete and
definitive? Well no, and Joannides doesn't claim it to be. He is only
one man with only one penis. There are only so many people he can
field responses from, even though his circle of contacts include, as
he writes in his disclaimer, "psychologists, psychoanalysts, social
workers, lawyers, teachers, writers, a couple of surfers, and even a
prostitute and a priest." A wide circle, yes, but by no means does
this encompass all of society.
But, look here, there's a chapter on sex during pregnancy. There's a
chapter on sex for the disabled. There's a bullet list on the
variations of finger-fucking. There are separate, detailed chapters
on male anatomy, female anatomy, intercourse, anal sex, fellatio,
cunnilingus, kissing, BDSM and more, and that's just about the technical
act of sex. There are chapters on romance, religion, talking to your
kids, birth control, sexual dysfunction, a mini-dictionary of sexual
slang all over the world, and just when you thought you couldn't take
any more, there are even cute illustrations by world-renowned fantasy
and comic book artist, Dćrick Gröss. The Guide doesn't cover all the
ground, but boy, does it cover a whole lot of it.
Besides breadth, what distinguishes The Guide from other sex manuals
is its approach. Some books out there have text and diagrams with the
impassioned artistry of a biology textbook-where sex is about as exciting
as mitosis. The Guide, however, treats sex as if it were a
pleasurable exercise and perhaps even potentially fun for the reader.
Case in point: here's what The Guide suggests to do in the event that
the woman you're giving oral sex to starts bucking:
Wrap your arms around her thighs from behind.
Put your hands firmly
on her hip bones. The female hip bones provide a perfect handle and
were clearly put there by Mother Nature for this very purpose. Flex
your arms so that she has to lift the weight of your upper body in
order to buck. This shouldn't hurt her at all and will keep her
pelvis still enough so you can give her more of what's causing her to
buck in the first place.
Besides the descriptions of technique, Joannides slathers his
irreverent perspective on some decidedly unsexy topics. He suggests
incorporating a doctor/patient fantasy while performing monthly self
breast examinations and obliges the reader by providing a
step-by-step example. A clinical cutaway diagram of the testicles is
described as "New iMac Scrotum! This is what your ball would look
like if you had a see-through scrotum."
There's no denying The Guide's readability, but Joannides doesn't
sacrifice information for the sake of a joke. His frequent
bullet-listing of information provides efficient coverage of the
practical pros and cons of varieties of lubrications as well as
important safety tips for BDSM. But truly, what makes The Guide so
useful as a source of information is the broad base of perspective
that is presented in one volume. One of the consistent themes of The
Guide is that pleasure is far too individual of a thing for any
single voice to be the authority on, and Joannides provides other
people's opinions when he can, especially those of the readers
themselves.
The reader responses and the subsequent mutations of The Guide as it
goes to press with a new edition are some of the most refreshing
features of the book. Amid the essays on hand job techniques and
"calibrating a penis," readers of previous editions provide their own
feelings of what is pleasurable. This inclusion gives a sense that
personal pleasure is not to be sought after as an external goal
through instructional material, but by a quiet moment or two by
oneself and one's partner. The Guide promotes a dialogue about
sexuality among its readers, provides a basis for that discussion and
encourages it even when it flies in the face of what's printed on the
page. And of course, it gives you a comforting feeling that some
Male, Age 24 somewhere shares the same sock monkey fetish as you.
Speaking of fetishes, The Guide does have a few drawbacks. That
previously mentioned "Culture and Kink" chapter basically only covers
BDSM and fisting, and that, by no means covers the gamut of sexual
variance in our culture. Joannides does, however, provide a plethora
of links, books, and organizations you can consult for more
information on any given topic. Another frequent criticism of The
Guide is that it doesn't cover enough same-sex practices, but I'm
guessing this is because Joannides and his crew don't know there's a
strong enough demand for it or simply don't know. That might change
in subsequent editions as the nature of sexual dialogue in our
culture changes.
Meanwhile, The Guide's nearly 700 pages is enough to keep anyone busy
for a while, with enough information to provide both the seasoned
veteran and the bumbling neophyte with a few handy tips. And, as the
following excerpt demonstrates, some probably need it more
than others:
Men usually welcome women's sexual
wetness, although there are
exceptions. For instance, the author of this book can remember a
conversation from his freshman year of high school with a fellow
member of the track team who had just felt up a woman for the first
time. The young man described 'it' as being wet, sticky and yuckie,
and indicated that 'her thing' accommodated nearly half his arm.
Considering this was a farm town, it seems likely that the woman in
question may have been a cow.
