by Paul Joannides
(9/27/00)

I really, really, really love to use my vibrator, but my roommate here in the dorms is extremely conservative and almost never leaves the room. One day she saw my vibrator and asked if she could use it on her neck. HELP!
Tippy from Tulsa

Dear Tippy,

I just hate it when you readers mistake the Naked Truth for Ann Landers... Why not crank up the stereo with the latest Amy Grant CD to help drown out the mechanical din and roar, and if your roommate sees what you're doing, tell her you got a groin pull when you were running back from class to catch the end of Rush Limbaugh?

Pretending not to masturbate has been the bane of college roommates since dorms were first erected in the monasteries of the 11th century. Of course, I always assumed you girls had it far easier, given how that little finger of yours could flutter back and forth with nary a shifting sheet, and you didn't have to deal with sticky disposal problems. But the combination of electronic orgasms and having Mary Poppins for a roommate makes me think the tables have turned, at least in one dorm room in the country.

Aside from convincing your roommate that orgasms are a great way to relieve a sore neck, the only suggestion I can offer is to search through the catalogues of various vibrator outlets such as Good Vibrations or Blowfish to find a silent vibrator. They even have a mini-vibrator that fits on the end of your finger. I realize that this may not pack the same sensation as your Hitachi Magic Wand, but there are times, Roxanne, when one needs to leave the Harley at home and ride a skateboard instead.

Dear Paul,

This is the first time I have told someone about my problem that I have been facing for the most of my adult life. I love to please my partner in any way I can, but when we have intercourse, I can't feel anything and I can't have an orgasm that way. There is a small feeling that my penis is hitting the back of her vagina, but that's it. My partner says she really likes having intercourse with me and I also love to give her oral sex. I am able to have an orgasm when I masturbate, either dry or with lubrication, but not when we are having intercourse. Do you have any suggestions.
Cliff in DeadWood

Dear Cliff,

About a third of you readers are saying to yourselves, "Some guys have all the luck," but I don't think so. It's just as frustrating to take forever as it is to come too soon. Also, it's interesting how we consider it a huge problem if a guy can't come during intercourse, while the majority of women aren't able to have an orgasm during intercourse. It's certainly not unusual for a woman to masturbate in order to come.

Nonetheless, the condition you are describing is called delayed or retarded ejaculation. The jury is still out on why some guys are like extreme versions of the Eveready Bunny, while others lose it in less than a minute.

The first thing I would want to be sure of is that there are no physical conditions that are causing the problem. One thing to rule out is multiple sclerosis, but it seems unlikely if this is something that has been happening all of your life.

Next, since you are able to take in enough feeling to ejaculate by hand, your job is to train yourself to allow that kind of feeling when your penis is between the loins of the love of your life. Some guys try to do this by pumping harder and faster during intercourse, but this only numbs out the penis more.

You might try having intercourse for a minute or two, and then pulling out and masturbating for a bit, then back to intercourse, and so forth. Eventually, some guys are able to train themselves to feel more during intercourse.

Another thing to try was suggested by a urology assistant at Kaiser in Portland. He recommends having intercourse in places where you wouldn't normally, or in places that might be anxiety producing, e.g. in the car or your back yard. Be mindful of local ordinances, and don't think for a moment that I would ever suggest doing it in places like the stacks at the library or the choir loft at your local church. It seems that in cases of delayed ejaculation, familiarity helps the penis grow more numb, while a bit of anxiety adds to the body's level of sexual excitement.

Please let me know how it goes, and I would be very happy to hear from other readers who have this problem.

Reader Responds: I have had this problem for a long time as well. When I first started having sex I thought it was great to have such stamina, but being able to go all night has lost its luster for me.

I have found that what my wife does to me is not as important as what I do to her. Going down on her really seems to help. The smell and taste, and the way she reacts all contribute, and when I finish with her, it usually doesn't take very long for me to get off.

Dear Paul,

My boyfriend loves to feel my legs when I have pantyhose on. He's a really sweet guy and I enjoy the extra attention, but my friend says it's a "fetish." What do you think?
Janie from Cleveland

Dear Janie,

From the sounds of it, I'm not hearing fetish, or at least it's not screaming at me. But what is a fetish? Let's say your boyfriend can't become aroused unless you are wearing pantyhose and you're starting to feel more like a mannequin than a real live person. Or maybe he gets off more and more by holding your pantyhose instead of you. That sort of thing is what fetishes are about. Rather than being an erotic accessory that helps to spice things up, the pantyhose become more important than you. That's when you're talking a full-blown fetish.

Some people have fetishes for certain objects or materials like leather, rubber, latex, underwear, shoes, socks, boots, smelly feet, hair, breasts, and even wearing diapers (honest to God, there are websites with adults wearing diapers, and not because they need to.)

Other people with fetishes have certain scenarios or fantasies that get them off, e.g. the guy who can't get aroused unless his girlfriend verbally abuses him.

People with fetishes get a certain kind of comfort from the fetish that they can't get from human beings. The fetish becomes the missing piece that completes their sexual circuit.

Why does someone allow a pair of pantyhose or any other object to have the kind of sexual allure that is normally reserved for a human partner?

One thing is control. It's far easier to control a pair of pantyhose than to control the woman who is wearing them.

Another thing is that a fetish is usually connected to a situation that was both overwhelming and arousing -- like where a young boy was raised by four sisters and an aunt. So he chooses something that symbolizes the arousing part of the situation but doesn't come with all the negatives.

In his mind, the fetish becomes a safer and less demanding or less humiliating sexual "partner" than a real live human partner -- a wish that most of us can relate to at one time or another.

One problem with having a serious fetish is the loneliness that can sometimes be a part of it. No matter how many times you fondle them, a pair of rubber panties or woman's feet can only go so far in providing the kind of closeness or friendship that many of us value in a sexual partner. In fact, some people refer to the fetish as a compromise between the fear of human closeness and the need for human closeness.

An astute philosopher put it this way: a fetish is like when a hungry person sits down at a dinner table and feels full from simply fondling the napkin.

Men With Fetishes Vs. Women

In our culture, men with certain conflicts might deal with them one way while women sometimes give them a different spin. For instance, far more men have "foot fetishes" than women, yet more women obsess about shoes and spend far more hours shopping for them than men. Unfortunately, we give the man a negative label (fetishist), while thinking of the woman as being a perfectly normal. An obvious and time-honored solution is for men with foot fetishes to work in women's shoe stores!

Now, for the practical stuff....

Given how most of our mothers wore nylons or pantyhose, and considering how often our toddler selves stood next to them with arms wrapped around their legs, it's a wonder why more guys aren't stirred into action by the feel of a woman wearing pantyhose.