by Paul Joannides
(7/26/00)
Dear Paul
A couple of us were having a discussion about giving blow jobs, and wondered
if you had any input about swallowing.
Amy at Amherst
Dear Amy,
GULP--you raise a question that has plagued women since Eve first blew Adam.
I think the best place to turn for input on swallowing is the gay men's
community. Of course, you're thinking "I'm not gay, and I'm not a guy, so
have you lost your mind?" Bear with me, Amy. If giving blow jobs became an
Olympic event, I'm willing to bet that all of the medalists would be gay
guys.
As for the question of swallowing in the gay community, guess what? Most men
don't. The reasons range from "Don't like the taste" to "If I'm going to do
all that work to get him there, I want to be able to watch the big event."
In our own questionnaire of straight women, and these are women who really
like having sex with guys, the majority didn't enjoy swallowing. Most who
swallow said they do so because their partner enjoys it. The most telling
comment was from a woman who said "I am certain women would give more blow
jobs if they didn't feel like they had to swallow."
Another fascinating insight that the women's answers provided had to do with
the issue of power and control. When asked "What do you like about giving a
guy oral sex" many women responded that it's the control it gives them over
the guy... "I like knowing I have the ability to take this big strong man
and turn him into a sack of jello," "More than anything, it feels so good
because I am in control," and "I always feel so powerful when I do it."
If you want to give your partner oral sex but don't like to swallow, never
fear! Let's say you've gotten him to the late innings orally and he's
approaching the point of no return. For a technique where you don't have to
swallow but can still finish the job with your lips, try sitting to the side
of him so you are perpendicular to his penis. Lock your lips around the area
that's just below the ridge where nature glued the head to the shaft. This
is called the frenulum and it tends to be the most sensitive part of the
penis. Cradle one hand around the back of his penis, so it catches your
breath and keeps the thing warm, and work his testicles with your other
hand. Most guys will go into orbit as your lips work this one spot that's
just beneath the head of the penis, and plenty of guys won't know that you
aren't sucking on the whole thing unless they look. Your lips will be away
from the line of fire, but do pull your hair back, unless you don't mind an
extra cream rinse.
Guys who are reading this column would do really well to never insist on
having a partner swallow, and to be really glad if she wants to do oral sex
to begin with. Also keep in mind that the thing our women readers said they
disliked most is doing oral sex on guys who "aren't really clean down
there."
Dear Paul,
We are pregnant with a boy. We don't know if we should have him
circumcised. Do you have any thoughts on the matter?
Brad and Diana In Duluth
Dear B&D,
Diana, think of what it would be like if someone took a scissors or blade
and cut out the hood that protects your clitoris. If you wouldn't want this
done to you, why would you want it done to your son's genitals?
To circumcise your son, they would stick a prodding instrument into his
foreskin to tear it away from the head of his penis. Then they would cut off
one-third to one-half of the skin on his penis. All of this for a procedure
that even medical journals are saying has no value.
If routine circumcision is not necessary, why do some physicians still do
it? It's either from medical ignorance, or just plain greed. A physician can
make an extra $30,000 or more each year from circumcisions alone, which is
why obstetricians and pediatricians sometimes fight over who gets to chop
off the end of Junior's penis.
Medically speaking, doing a routine circumcision makes about as much
sense as ripping off your fingernails, eyelids, or labia. So how did it get
to be so popular in this country?
During the late 1800s, a popular physician by the name of John Harvey
Kellogg, the man who founded Kelloggs Corn Flakes, believed that
masturbation was about the worst thing a child could ever do. He felt that
that boys who were circumcised would be less likely to masturbate than boys
who weren't, so he went on a huge campaign to have American boys circumcised
at birth.
In case you think Dr. Kellogg was only worried about boys, he also
suggested that girls who masturbate have their clitorises burned out with
acid. And this was the medical genius who is responsible for a lot of us
guys having our foreskins chopped off shortly after we were born.
Over the years, the medical establishment has tried to justify
circumcision with all sorts of moronic claims. For instance, they claimed it
prevented cancer of the penis. Cancer of the penis is about as rare as a
snowstorm in Mazatlan, and it's likely that more penises are lost each year
to botched circumcisions than penile cancer. (One physician who studied
cancer of the penis noted that each guy who had it was both a heavy smoker
and had horrible personal hygiene. It seemed that each had a collection of
tar under his foreskin.)
Two other myths that the medical profession has tried to foist on the
public were that circumcision prevented cancer of the cervix in the female
partners of circumcised men, and that men who were circumcised were less
likely to get sexually transmitted diseases. Yet in European countries where
almost all of the men are uncircumcised, cancer of the cervix is no greater
than in the US, where most men have been circumcised. Also, the rate of
sexually transmitted diseases is no greater in countries like Sweden, where
the vast majority of men are uncut, than here in the US. One thing that does
contribute to an increase in STDs is poverty, and until recently, most of
the uncircumcised men in this country were from poor families.
Enough of the negatives. So what's good about having a foreskin?
1. The foreskin keeps the head of the penis moist, soft, and
well-protected like nature intended.
2. The foreskin has approximately 240 feet of nerves and between 10,000
to 20,000 specialized nerve endings. It's clearly not the useless patch of
skin that we've been led to believe.
3. The foreskin contains several feet of blood vessels which allow normal
blood flow into the shaft and glans of the penis. When you chop it off, you
interrupt the blood flow and create scarring around the penis. You wouldn't
intentionally scar other places on his body, so why do it to his penis?
4. The foreskin provides the penis with a special gliding mechanism that
naturally enhances intercourse for both the male and female.
One possible problem with a foreskin is phimosis, or failure to retract.
This happens in fewer than 1 of 100 boys, and can almost always be resolved
without surgery by a foreskin friendly urologist.
Another foreskin issue involves religion. Some religions, like the Jewish
faith, have a jones for circumcision. If Jewish men want to be circumcised
as an expression of their faith, why not let them wait until they are
eighteen years of age and able to call the Mohel themselves? Am I being
disrespectful? No more disrespectful than my disagreement with the Catholic
Church's ban on birth control or their pronouncements that masturbation is
wrong. I'm being no more disrespectful than when I condemn the practice of
female circumcision, which women in some cultures hold to be sacred.
Also, some women feel that a guy who is uncircumcised is not as clean as
one whose penis is cut. Actually, most guys with intact foreskins pull them
back while they are in the shower and wash the entire penis. How many of
these worried women pull back their clitoral hoods and wash out the smegma
that forms underneath them?
A foreskin friendly organization is
NOCIRC, P.O. Box 2512, San
Anselmo, CA 94979-2512
Ask them for information on how to best care for your infant son's foreskin.
Foreskin friendly websites include the following:
Dear Paul,
Will I get male hormones from swallowing my boyfriend's ejaculate?
Amy in Aberdeen
Dear Amy,
No. While the testicles produce the lion's share of a guy's hormones, they
don't dump them into his ejaculate. Instead, they release the hormones into
his bloodstream. So don't worry, you're not going to sprout a beard or grow
a big Adam's apple from giving a man oral sex, unless you're into things
that I don't even want to think about. And you're not going to get fat from
swallowing male ejaculate either, unless he's coating himself with chocolate
sauce or whipped cream as an enticement to get you down there.
Dear Paul,
My boyfriend loves to feel my legs when I have pantyhose on. He's a really
sweet guy and I enjoy the extra attention, but my friend says it's a
"fetish." What do you think?
Janie from Cleveland
Dear Janie,
From the sounds of it, I'm not hearing fetish, or at least it's not
screaming at me. But what is a fetish? Let's say your boyfriend can't become
aroused unless you are wearing pantyhose and you're starting to feel more
like a mannequin than a real live person. Or maybe he gets off more and more
by holding your pantyhose instead of you. That sort of thing is what
fetishes are about. Rather than being an erotic accessory that helps to
spice things up, the pantyhose become more important than you. That's when
you're talking a full-blown fetish.
Some people have fetishes for certain objects or materials like leather,
rubber, latex, underwear, shoes, socks, boots, smelly feet, hair, breasts,
and even wearing diapers (honest to God, there are websites with adults
wearing diapers, and not because they need to.)
Other people with fetishes have certain scenarios or fantasies that get them
off, e.g. the guy who can't get aroused unless his girlfriend verbally
abuses him.
People with fetishes get a certain kind of comfort from the fetish that they
can't get from human beings. The fetish becomes the missing piece that
completes their sexual circuit.
Why does someone allow a pair of pantyhose or any other object to have the
kind of sexual allure that is normally reserved for a human partner?
One thing is control. It's far easier to control a pair of pantyhose than to
control the woman who is wearing them.
Another thing is that a fetish is usually connected to a situation that was
both overwhelming and arousing -- like where a young boy was raised by four
sisters and an aunt. So he chooses something that symbolizes the arousing
part of the situation but doesn't come with all the negatives.
In his mind, the fetish becomes a safer and less demanding or less
humiliating sexual "partner" than a real live human partner-a wish that most
of us can relate to at one time or another.
One problem with having a serious fetish is the loneliness that can
sometimes be a part of it. No matter how many times you fondle them, a pair
of rubber panties or woman's feet can only go so far in providing the kind
of closeness or friendship that many of us value in a sexual partner. In
fact, some people refer to the fetish as a compromise-between the fear of
human closeness and the need for human closeness.
An astute philosopher put it this way: a fetish is like when a hungry person
sits down at a dinner table and feels full from simply fondling the napkin.
Men With Fetishes Vs. Women
In our culture, men with certain conflicts might deal with them one way
while women sometimes give them a different spin. For instance, far more men
have "foot fetishes" than women, yet more women obsess about shoes and spend
far more hours shopping for them than men. Unfortunately, we give the man a
negative label (fetishist), while thinking of the woman as being a perfectly
normal. An obvious and time-honored solution is for men with foot fetishes
to work in women's shoe stores!
Now, for the practical stuff....
Given how most of our mothers wore nylons or pantyhose, and considering how
often our toddler selves stood next to them with arms wrapped around their
legs, it's a wonder why more guys aren't stirred into action by the feel of
a woman wearing pantyhose.
Assuming you feel OK about it, why not cut out the crotch on a pair of your
pantyhose and wear them to bed one night? Thanks to the new ventilation
system, your sweetheart might be able to have his cake and eat it too.
Make sure you cut out the crotch on the inside of the seam so they won't
unravel. If you aren't good with scissors, you can purchase
crotchless panty hose in some stores, but probably not Mervyns or Target,
although you never know about WalMart!
