by Jaie Helier
Fingering a woman -- for men who need to know, and women looking for
(Focus on clitoral stimulation.)
Learning Your Way Around
Which way is up? Well, I guess it depends what you're trying to do.
A couple of years ago I saw a relatively frank TV program in which they
showed a rough drawing of a cunt to a line of guys and asked them to put a
red dot where they thought the clitoris was. Around seventy per cent of
them got it wrong. Not just wrong, but radically wrong. Just as well
they didn't ask them where the urethra was!
On the other hand, I remember a girl who told me about the first guy
she screwed -- it was in the shed at the bottom of her parents' garden --
and how pissed off she was when he wanted to take away the cloth she had
hung at the window, to let some light in. She said she didn't see why,
just because she was having sex with him, he should get to look at her
Given the circumstances in which many guys first encounter vaginas, no
wonder they don't tend to know their way around. Straight penis-vaginal
sex can be wonderful but it can also be risky and frustrating with
someone you don't know -- and even with someone you do know. So wouldn't
it be nice to feel confident with the alternatives?
Why Finger at All?
Let's imagine she has invited you home with her and then into her bed.
If you have the choice, why would you want to masturbate her instead of
(or in addition to) simply screwing her? Here are a few possible
- if you do it right she will probably enjoy it very much and may
climax from it -- this will almost certainly result in her being very
pleased with you.
- it is one of the most beautiful and erotic experiences in the world,
almost in the rare privilege category, watching a woman enjoy sexual
feelings you are giving her.
- it makes a really delightful in-between stage for people who haven't
decided they want to go all the way, and she will learn a lot about you
from the way you treat her body.
On a more practical basis (for men):
- if you can't get an erection or tend to ejaculate early, which
happens often (especially in a first time circumstance), clitoral
stimulation is a way of giving her a beautiful experience while buying
yourself time, taking the tension out of it and getting to know a little
more about her body and responses.
- even if you have a monumental erection and never ejaculate early,
many women have difficulty climaxing during intercourse, no matter how
much they may enjoy it.
And then there are health reasons:
- obviously, women do not get pregnant or become non-virgins (an
important distinction for some), from being digitally stimulated.
- assuming you have clean hands (washing them before you start and
afterwards), you are less likely to communicate STD's by carefully
fingering her than by many other sexual activities.
One final important reason:
- during and after menopause, women can sometimes be very tender inside
their vaginas and, for some, that can make penetrative sex very
uncomfortable. Exterior masturbation, though, can be very pleasant for
And, of course, clitoral stimulation is great fun in
addition to intercourse and other sexual activities.
How to Make it Happen
Try to get the ambience as comfortable as you can in the circumstances.
Think of warmth, low light (be careful with candles in bedrooms),
stroking, talking, massage, laughter, discovering her. Take your time and
help her to feel relaxed -- thinking of her pleasure will often help you
to feel relaxed too. Listen to her. Look at her. Make sure you're
picking up the signals she is giving you. Try not to touch her cunt until
you feel that's what she really wants you to do. Even then consider
making her wait.
When you decide to let her have what she wants, start letting your
fingers drift down her thighs. Let her draw you in. She will probably
part her legs; she may shift towards your hand. Let her wait. She won't
get bored if you tease her a little. Tickle the insides of her thighs,
letting your hand lightly touch her pubic hair (if she has any).
Disturbing the pubic hair that grows lower down around the labia can be
delightful, but don't touch the flesh there yet. Stroke her belly, tickle
the crevices at the top of her thighs and let your fingers drift through
the pubic hair that grows just under the bikini line. It's the beginning
of her mound and, sensitized, it can give her lots of delicate erotic
feelings. Let your fingers trickle down to the side of her mound.
Be light and gentle when you touch her pussy, especially at the
beginning. It is better to encourage her to tell you if she wants it
harder. For some women, pressing hard or rubbing too early can be quite
unpleasant. The whole area around the vulva is gorgeously sensitive, which
means that the skin there may respond to the slightest touch with pleasing
effect, but if you are too harsh that may quickly overwhelm all those
sensitive nerve-endings and just feel raw or even painful.
If you want to know how sensitive the area of her vulva is just try
blowing on it. The reaction you get will give you some idea of how light
your touch can be. Above all, at this stage avoid letting your finger
directly touch her clitoris which, by the way, is at the top of her slit
(assuming she is lying on her back).
As you gently stroke and tickle the outer labia she may be inclined to
open her legs wider, which is about the most encouraging thing she could
possibly do. It is a sign that you are doing it right and that she wants
more. Her outer labia may also swell a little which makes them open and
reveal the inner labia.
Don't be afraid to look at her cunt. It can be very erotic for her to
know that she is completely exposed to you. A cunt can also be very
beautiful and you should let her know that. If you kiss her there she
will certainly get the idea that you like what you are seeing but let's
not get into that -- we're concentrating on clitoral stimulation
By this stage she is probably very wet and you will notice that as you
stroke her inner labia all friction ceases. Generally speaking, this is
the best possible lubricant on earth. Touching her when she is wet is a
fabulous feeling and once the juices are there they usually renew
themselves constantly so that the silky smooth frictionless feeling stays.
In some women these juices may become a little thinner just before an
orgasm, which has the effect of naturally increasing the friction.
Another possibility is that, just as sometimes a man may fail to get an
erection, sometimes for one reason or another a woman may not become wet
or not wet enough. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or isn't enjoying
herself; it can happen for all sorts of reasons. If you're there it's
because she wants you there, so don't be put off by dryness. Probably the
best solution is a commercial lubricant.
If you don't have any lubricant, don't panic, just be careful. You can
stroke her, but to counter an unacceptably high level of friction stay
very light and, even though it may seem that you're scarcely touching her
at all, you will probably find she's getting lots from it. It is also
extraordinary how well saliva can function as a lube. It actually lasts
quite well, and once you have moistened her this way sometimes her own
moisture production may get the message and take over.
Let's assume she is beautifully soaking wet and she's enjoying every
move you've made so far. This is probably a good time to explore the
folds and crevices of her pussy. Don't feel you have to enter her with
your finger unless she really wants you to. Every woman is different, but
entering her is not always going to be the most desirable thing or the
thing that gives her the most pleasurable feeling. (Of course, there are
also those women who don't enjoy direct clitoral stimulation and/or prefer
vaginal fingering. We'll leave that for another article.)
For now, explore the area around the opening of her cunt, concentrating
on the lower area and on the area down near her anus. The perineum, the
area between her asshole and her pussy, can have lots of sensitivities.
Often the anus itself can be very erotically sensitive, but keep in mind
that to enter her anus with your finger if you are then planning to use
that finger on her cunt is never a good idea. There is a serious risk of
contamination that only a thorough washing will reduce. Even gently
rimming the area round her anus with your finger can carry a risk of
infection so try not to use the same finger that you will use anywhere
near her vagina.
Just at or above the opening to her cunt you will feel you are pressing
on something hard -- bone, to be precise. Pressure there can give strong
feelings and I am told that some women can climax from pressure on this
area alone -- I don't know how true that is but it can certainly give
pleasure. Be careful about pressing hard and moving your fingers at the
Press with different parts of your hand. Alternate this with stroking
her. Use long delicate strokes over the whole length, disturbing the
flesh and letting the folds of it close around your finger. Let your
fingers wander around that whole soft wet area and up towards her clit.
Try not to touch her clit yet but begin instead to stimulate the area
around it. Little circular journeys around her clitoris will take her
into a new phase of arousal.
Don't forget the mound itself. If you press on the outside of her
vulva with two or three fingers, closing it, and gently move your fingers
in a circular motion then all the surfaces on the inside will rub together
-- this, combined with the pressure of your fingers, is good and can give
her strong feelings without any friction on the tender inside surfaces.
Experiment with the pressure to find what she likes.
After a while, lay three fingers flat pointing downwards over the
length of her pussy. One will automatically tend to slip between the lips
while the other two stay on either side of her mound. Move them softly up
and down the whole length, staying on the surface. Be aware of the fact
that part of the palm of your hand may also be lightly brushing on the
fleshy area around her clit and causing a little friction there. This
will help prepare her clit for you to able to touch it soon. Allow your
middle finger to sink between the lips of her cunt. It should be very wet
inside there at this stage.
Move your finger up and down in long strokes that use the whole length
of the finger on the whole length of her pussy. Again you may be gently
brushing the clit at this stage -- you will hear and feel from her
reactions whether and how much she wants this. Alternate this with little
fingertip explorations of her clit area, again without pressing too hard
or rubbing on the clit itself. The more you do this, the more she will
begin to let you know when she wants more direct stimulation.
When she does, be careful how you approach any direct rubbing of the
clitoris. For most women the clitoris, like the nipples, becomes more
resilient as sexual arousal increases. In other words, if you touch her
clit too early it may be uncomfortable but later in the process when she
is much more aroused, it will swell a little and she may want you to rub
it quite hard. But remember, every woman is different and needs to be
treated as such. Above all, listen to her!
By this time you may have the feeling that she is very aroused and
therefore that once you begin to touch her clitoris directly she will come
quite quickly. That is not necessarily the case, so make sure you are
being measured about this stage of the process. Try not to let yourself
get into the pattern of going faster and faster. It is often more
arousing for her if you maintain slow full strokes that take in the full
length of her slit with your whole finger sliding over her clit in the
process and then coming back the same way.
Her reactions may become much more extreme when you're directly
touching her clit, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's on the edge.
Realize that if you allow yourself to race and she doesn't come quickly
then there's a limit to how fast you can go and how long you can keep it
up. There is absolutely no rule to when any woman will climax and your
sole purpose in life is just to go on giving her a great time until, for
whatever reason, she's ready to stop. So stay calm -- let her be the one
to get carried away.
The chances are that she will climax at least once and, assuming she
does, don't just drop her and expect a pay-off. She may like you to go on
stimulating her, even for a long time, though very probably she will find
it uncomfortable if you continue direct contact with her clit. In any case
she will be very happy if she feels you are taking care of her. Often,
just holding her and stroking her afterwards is fantastic.
She feels good because she's just had a beautiful climax; you feel good
because you gave it to her. Again it is important to stress that the idea
here is to enjoy every moment of this -- her reactions, the closeness and
trust, the sight of her body, the scents and feel of her, the knowledge
that she is reacting to you and appreciating what you are doing. Don't
try to hurry it up. Go at her pace.
Remember, you're not there simply to make her come -- you're there to
create erotic feelings for you both to enjoy. If she feels you are
enjoying it too she will be more likely to relax, probably climax, perhaps
climax again. She may eventually utter those most wonderful words, 'Now,
what would you like me to do for you?' If she does, ask for what you
really want. She's saying you've earned it.