Getting into Bed Support Clean Sheets: Visit the Bookstore

Sweet Eating

by Jaie Helier and several generous correspondants, to whom many grateful thanks.

The old proverb says that "it is better to give than to receive." Whoever contributed this thought probably wasn't talking about cunnilingus at the time or they might well have felt compelled to add "and vice versa." However, as most of us sooner or later discover, that could depend a lot on whose tongue is in whose cunt. From either point of view, get the right one and it's the nearest thing to heaven (apart from chocolate, of course); get the wrong one and it can be a very frustrating experience indeed.

We asked a few people of both genders to give us their feelings about oral sex as practiced upon women, both from the point of view of the giver and from that of the receiver. The following thoughts are drawn from their responses. First a few tips from the giver's side:

On communication

It's vital to pay continual attention to see what's working and to help decide what to do next. It's also good to remember that what worked wonders with one lady may leave the next one cold. For that matter, what worked for one lady last time might not work for the same lady again. Guys have an unfortunate tendency to treat sex as a purely mechanical process. Learn to rub this, press this, lick this, and bam, like solving a puzzle. This seems obvious to guys, since for most guys sex IS a mechanical process. Don't matter what mood he's in, grab his crotch and he's ready. "Girls need a reason to have sex, guys just need a place..."

I think it's best to treat every time as a new encounter. Until you begin you may not know for sure if she's looking for a quick ravishment or a slow and gentle teasing, and what happens might end up surprising both of you.

On endurance

Like backrubs and petting your cat, no matter how long you can keep doing it, it's never quite enough. Avoid lockjaw by using fingers, hands, implements, whatever, to let you rest your mouth every now and again.

On surprise

While there are advantages to holding steady rhythms so she can anticipate you and press back at the right times, I personally love keeping her off-guard. Change rhythms, carefully nip areas when she's not expecting it, take sudden side trips down the thighs, change from on-target licks to full, wide-tongue sweeps and back again. Then when she's all confused, go back to steady movements... I especially enjoy getting her right to the brink and stopping dead, holding my tongue a millimeter away from ground zero and holding her hips in place so she can't get to me until I feel she's ready. So much fun, and it inspires her to seek revenge.

On having fun

Stay playful. Use your whole face, nose, eyelashes, facial hair. Moustaches do wonders across delicate membranes. Watch the stubble, though. Hum. Sing. Scream. (Do not blow inside, however) Pretend you're a motorcyclist, revving into 4th gear. Go for the drama, the anticipation. Lock eyes with her and hold it as you begin.

Take her clit between your lips and lightly suck. Put her hands on top of your head and start bobbing up and down, let her guide your movements. Hey, she does it for you... Insert your index finger and apply light pressure to the inner area just behind the clit. Make your tongue rigid and hold it to her clit. Hold perfectly still. Let her move about as necessary.

And from the receiving side:

I love a slow beginning but most men don't really seem into that. They would rather begin by just diving in. Women, on the other hand, tend to know what other women like. Most women, in my experience, like clitoral stimulation and penetration, but it's not necessary. Some women like their clits touched directly, like I do, and some do not. Most, from what I know, do. The clitoris also extends on either side of the vaginal opening, like a wishbone. That is why penetration and clitoral stimulation feel so good together.

It's like stroking the entire penis rather than sucking on the tip. My mood changes. Sometimes I like a tongue tip flicking against my clit, relentlessly bringing me to orgasm (he'd better have a strong tongue) and sometimes I like slow, liquid gush of a flat tongue driving me nuts. I like to be kissed, but that's more of a tease than anything that drives me to orgasm. Good foreplay stuff. I like someone who explores with their tongue, who licks outside the outer labia, inside the inner labia, and around the hood of my clit. I like to have oral sex done to me for hours. I don't like food additions. Yuck. They always feel sticky and weird, no matter how clean the other person makes me. I also prefer being on my back for the long haul, from behind for the quick oral fuck, and sitting up on the person's face if it's in the middle of intercourse.

Some of the respondants gave us a very personal view. Here, a giver talks about how oral sex fits into the relationship:

I find, from my side of the tangle, so much that centers on trust between us. Trust that, despite years of indoctrination to center your insecurities there, I find this hidden part of you only beautiful and mysterious. Trust that my tongue seeks, not orange or spearmint, but the taste of you. Trust that parting your legs about my face is not wanton or selfish, but welcomed and shared. Trust that this is not a graded performance or a game with a scorecard, but that every real sigh and shiver makes me feel like a superhero. Trust that this is unclocked time. Trust that all the wrong moves I make are the klutz I wish I wasn't. And trust that if you soar, my earthbound self is transfixed by your flight.

In the end, most sex is about giving and receiving pleasure and the most important thing for the giver is to develop some insight into how the receiver feels and what works for them. Here is a very intimate view of what works for one of our resondants:

There are two ways to make me come with oral sex.

In either case, start with teasing, please. Slide a little down my body. Don't tell me what you're doing. Kiss my belly, that crease above my thighs. Breathe lightly over my mound. Leave me in suspense as to whether you're actually going to taste me, or not -- that moment, when you finally lower your head and take your first lick, is a thrill all by itself.

Long, light strokes up from my pussy to my clit. Licks around the sides of my clit. It'll take a little while before I'm ready for anything more. Be patient.

Here the paths diverge. If you're in any kind of a hurry, impatient, eager, then just oral sex isn't going to do the trick. It takes forever to make me come that way. So when you do move from licking to sucking my clit, slide a wet finger in my pussy too. I'll clench around your finger -- all my muscles will tighten at that moment. It'll be fairly quick after that; pump a finger or two, suck lightly...then hard. I'll come. And if you can find my G-spot with that finger, curving it up and inward, and rub on that while your mouth sucks my clit...I'll have a gorgeous orgasm.

Option two involves no fingerwork at all... but a lot more patience. Only one of my lovers did this regularly, but when she did, my toes would curl. I don't know how to tell you the details -- just licking and sucking, really -- but she paid so much attention to my responses, that she knew exactly when to advance, when to slow down. She knew that I'd climb to what seemed like an orgasm, but was in fact a mini-orgasm. There was a much bigger one waiting. She'd slow down there, let me breathe a second, and then dive back to it. She knew that it sometimes took two or three successive crests like that before nearing the finish. She knew to ignore me at the end, when I would be begging her to stop, telling her I couldn't stand anymore -- knew that that was the time to bear down hard, to lift my hips to her mouth and suck as if she were sucking poison out of a vein.

And I would just fall apart in her hands.


This article was requested by one of our readers. We are happy to oblige (even though it took time) and would like to encourage all our readers to send requests, suggestions and feedback for future articles. We would also love to publish a follow-up to this article -- so send us all your thoughts, tips, feelings and experiences and we'll do it all all again. As above, anonymity is fine; pseudonyms are also good.

©1999 by Jaie Helier

Reader Comments

Whether the sex is gay, straight, or other, our main purpose is to explore some of the ways to add excitement to sex and relationships. We don't claim to know everything, but we'll do our best to find the people who do have answers for you (or sometimes we'll just tell you what we think). You can join in too -- send us your ideas, questions, opinions, and perspectives to

-- Jaie Helier and H.L. Shaw




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