by Jamie Joy Gatto
(9/20/00)
If you're a person who's put off by the word "kinky" or who's troubled when you encounter the acronym "BDSM," then you are not alone. Often people picture things in their mind's eye like bloody torture, rape, extreme beatings and mistreatment, especially where women are made out to be the ones who are helpless and abused. Unfortunately, these are gross misconceptions concerning what kink is all about and what Power Exchange, Bondage and Discipline (BD), Domination and submission (D/s), and other forms of sadomasochism (SM) really stand for. Because it's considered to be both sexual and deviant, it's not often openly discussed, and like most legends, BDSM has acquired its own set of fear-raising and blatant untruths.
In a world where what people's real sex lives are like is shrouded in white lies and lots of dirty little secrets, it can be hard to define exactly what "kinky" means. There's such a gamut of possible fetishes: everything from a little innocent toe-sucking, to tying up your lover with a silk hanky, to a little over-the-knee spanking, all the way up to things most folks tend to consider disgusting, like bloody piercings or shit-eating. Of course, there's a lot in between, including crossdressing, shoe worship, and whip play, to name just a few flickers of color in the sexual kaleidoscope. After all, there are those who would consider any form of sensory deprivation "kinky," even if it's just using a blindfold during what might otherwise be considered very "vanilla" (basic, non-kinky) sex.
So how can it be that all of these activities, sexual pastimes, and so-called deviances get lumped under the same category of BDSM/fetish play? They all seem so different in nature and severity. As I see it, just about the only thing that seems to make kink "kinky" is that a) it's a sexual turn-on and b) it's a hush-hush activity because it's somehow "different." It's no wonder that people try to keep these things a bit on the quiet side. Nobody likes being called a "pervert" for real, especially in a world filled with a history of sodomy laws and often extreme medical "treatments" for homosexuality, masturbation, and other dire "ailments." For instance, we all know Joan of Arc was burned for her political clout and the threat she represented to authority, but few people realize that it was a law against crossdressing that put her to the stake legally.
I propose that we are all theoretically "kinky" at heart, or at least in thought -- yes, even vanilla folks. I can't really see the fundamental difference between a woman who really digs screwing guys with beards and the boy who likes to masturbate while wearing his girlfriend's pantyhose. Aren't the objectification of body hair and the objectification of articles of clothing roughly at the same depth of kink? Remember, in the 1950s no decent American guy wore a beard, and in centuries past all guys wore beards, and stockings. It is the changing societal perceptions of what is "normal" and what isn't, in terms of gender and other things, that makes us believe there's got to be such an enormous gulf between "us" and "them."
I submit that even having sexual fantasies about, or pretending to be, a naughty nurse, a young Catholic virgin, or a seedy hustler during sexual encounters and even during masturbation is kinky activity. Anyone who has ever thought about boffing someone else while screwing their current mate has engaged in kink. After all, conscious role-play is part of what defines us as creative sex practitioners, and role-play can take a lot of forms. You might imagine doing the nasty with a former partner you're no longer seeing. You might do a little role-play dialogue about being a harem slave, or have being the cruel PE teacher as a running interior monologue, or just catch fleeting glimpses of your fantasies in your mind. Of course, the arena for sexual role-play can leave the metaphorical closet and take a delightful leap into the literal one: corsets, high heels, and open-toed pumps, whether the Mistress wears them or a man finds sexual solace in teeter-tottering in his girly pumps on the way to the bedpost, can be big turn-ons for sexual inspiration. Lots of men get off on women wearing lacy lingerie, but if a man wears the same lingerie to please his lover, or to please his own sexual whims, it's labeled fetish. Call it what you will, "kink" is really just a matter of certain tastes that help define our sexual selves.
Not everyone views sex as an exalted, spiritual thing. That's one of the reasons I think it's important to try to help dispel some of the myths about BDSM, including the assumptions that it's icky and weird, that it's "merely" sexual, and that it's invariably sleazy. On the contrary, BDSM is a spiritual and emotional journey.
Spirituality doesn't have to be celibate, boring, or sexless. Spirituality can be hot, and in my opinion, it should be. It should invoke all the senses, create a feeling of euphoria, expand one's existence to other planes, create a sense of well-being, give you the ultimate high then the ultimate calm. That's what heaven is all about. If it takes sleaze to get someone there, so be it.
"I'm Just Not Into Pain..."
No thanks to Hollywood and other distorted media images, most people unfamiliar with BDSM play truly believe that it's sick and twisted, that it's all about inequality, humiliation, pain and torture. I don't have anything against two willing participants engaging in these pastimes in a consensual fashion, but, to set the record straight, most people involved in role playing do not think of it as dehumanizing torment, but rather find it to be liberating, empowering, transcendent, sexy, and fun. Of course, this side of things isn't given the same amount of media attention as the "bitch with a whip" or the "dark and twisted" image.
Influenced by their supposition that BDSM must mean whippings and manacled slaves whimpering in misery, many people listen to me talk about BDSM and are interested in the concepts, but then say "I'm just not into pain." I'd argue that BDSM isn't really about pain so much as it is about sensation and contrast: the juxtaposition of pleasure and pain, the manipulation of the senses. It's about the playground of the skin, where the flesh and mind coincide. It's about balance, about finding out what one can do, how much one can take and then transcending that limit. Any good Dominant worth her/his salt knows to start slowly and to gradually build, playing one sensation off the next, mixing caresses with teases, soft with harsh, visceral with topical. You must keep in mind that during sexual and other arousal, such as fear, joy, and panic, our bodies respond differently to pain. As endorphins rush through our veins, some senses are dulled while other sensory perceptions are sharpened.
This may help answer some of the pressing questions asked by people who are curious about BDSM but who have never tried it. For instance, why would anyone want to get spanked? Because it's very sexually stimulating! Your ass is right next to your genitals, and the lovely red bloom that spreads over your skin after a quick slap can creep right into your perineum, teasing you no end. People also like being spanked because it's mildly humiliating. Role-playing during spanking can cause some very sexy mental pictures, which we all know can lead to some rock-hard erections and stiff little clits. There are countless other sexy, decadent reasons, but these certainly are two good, and very prevalent, ones.
On that note, I'd like to say a few words about humiliation and torture, how they're perceived, what's assumed about them, and how they actually exist in safe, sane, consensual BDSM play.
Any way you look at it, humiliation is a highly subjective term. What is degrading to one person may allow another person to enter a state of spiritual and erotic grace. For example, one person may find the act of kneeling to another person to be disgraceful, but in the context of a BDSM scene, the very same action might become an object of desire, a transcendent symbol of trust and love.
Similarly, "torture" is a word that means something very different within the context of consensual power exchange than it does in the outside world. In consensual Power Exchange, there is no reason that coercion would be either desirable or necessary -- and real torture would certainly not be safe, even if it were sane or consensual. In safe, sane, consensual BDSM, compliance on the part of the bottom is a given, although resistance may be acted out as an intentional part of a given scene. Both parties should be aware of this and have discussed it during negotiations. If a "kidnaping," "rape," "interrogation," or "molestation" scene is to be acted out, it should be done in a completely safe environment with defined parameters, physical and emotional limits, and with safewords that mean "stop" or "slowdown" (and safe attitudes) that would enable either party to end the scene at a millisecond's notice.
"Is It Sick to Act Out These Perversions?"
Even once they understand that BDSM isn't about inflicting harm on other people, and that the point is safe, sane, consensual sensation for the purpose of erotic focus, a lot of people still wonder if it's really okay to act out their 'darker' desires. I think if more people were safely acting out the forbidden fruit of their repressed, denied, or subconscious desires, there might be a lot less hate, crime, rape, abuse, pedophilia, and impulsive psycho-sexual behavior. Rather than being unleashed on the unwilling, those urges might have a chance of remaining where they belong: behind the closed doors of mutually consenting adults. Ideally, in a more kink-friendly environment, those who liked could pair up, or group up, to scratch whatever twisted itches were present, providing a healthier outlet for all those anxiety-provoking desires that so many wrestle with and which may drive people to inappropriate, non-consensual, hurtful action.
Trust Yourself
If you are feeling insecure about your hidden kinky desires, just remember there are always kinkier people out there. The trick is to find them! After all, if you don't share your fetishes with others, they'll never be able to play with you. There are many alternatives and healthy outlets to express your desires, and you'd be surprised at how many others may share your same tastes. There are lots of support groups and play groups; the Internet is a great resource for finding local BDSM groups and clubs. It's a lot safer and more helpful to get to know a community of people who are BDSM players or into a particular fetish than it is to find one person through personal ads. In a community, you know who you're meeting and what they're like, can find out about their reputation and proclivities and make sure the person is a safe person for you to play with, and also that their tastes match up with yours.
Be proud and comfortable in the position you choose in any role playing situation. Remember that it's only a game, that it can end at any time, that people are not perfect, and that if everything doesn't go as smoothly as planned, there's always next time. If you find out you hate to be spanked, you don't ever have to do it again. If someone is flogging or pinching you too hard, please take a time out to politely tell them. If you discover you love latex, rave over rubber, go crazy for corsets, then by all means, go for it! Accept mistakes, practice, communicate, and most of all, enjoy.
Be brave enough to communicate your desires, even if you think they may be unusual, and respect those that divulge theirs to you. If your fetish is destructive or illegal, perhaps you should seek counseling with a kink-friendly counselor. If you start to feel silly in the middle of a scene, take a break, tell your partner, maybe save it for later. Don't feel you have to be the perfect slave, Mistress, doggie or whore. Remember there's a little kink in all of us just waiting to be expressed. We're all sexual beings and creatures of habit that have special things that make us purr, make us wet, make us hard, make us horny. These are the same things we go back to again and again, in sexual fantasy, in the sexual arena, to achieve delight, to make our connections, to find that little piece of Heaven.
Looking for BDSM and kinky community? Here are some links to help you in your search for locally based and regionally based community:
