by Rachel Kramer Bussel
(4/26/00)

I'll never be able to fully describe how using my vibrator feels, and the extraordinary awareness I gained when I first started using a vibrator, but I feel like I must at least attempt to make words rise to the level of that mindblowing sensation. I'd heard about vibrators for a long time, but didn't really know what to expect from the actual experience. I knew that a dildo-like plastic object would vibrate while it fucked me, but I had no clue that it would possibly be as amazing it actually was. I had thought about buying a vibrator for several years, but in a very vague way, as in, "yeah, it'd be nice to try out a vibrator sometime." Probably from reading Susie Bright books and hearing her extol the wonders of vibrators, I got it into my head that vibrators were a fun thing I might want to try. But for the first few years I was exploring sex with other people, I wasn't inclined to masturbate at all. It seemed like a waste of time, and I truly didn't get "horny" in the sense that I needed to masturbate to relieve myself. At the time, I really only experienced that sensation with someone else, so it made sense that I didn't masturbate. Still, there was something about vibrators that I felt I needed to know, that maybe if I had a vibrator and it lived up to its acclaimed status, I would enjoy masturbation and see a point to it. I half heartedly went about trying to buy a vibrator, making plans to go to Good Vibrations in San Francisco when there on vacation, then scrapping them because I had too many other things to do. The thought was still in my mind but I let it linger there for many months.

Finally I decided this is it! I had to have one, and I sought out a store in New York called Eve's Garden, a store I'd seen ads for and that seemed like a friendly place. I went into this store, which is located in a big office building and was a bit sterile and intimidating. I felt truly giddy, after all the time it had taken me to get there, but when I walked in I realized that I didn't really know what I was looking for -- it hadn't really occurred to me that there were lots of different types of vibrators to choose from. I talked to the saleswomen and looked around, awed at the array of toys and videos and books. I'd never seen real vibrators up close before and they seemed a little intimidating but also thrilling. I ended up buying two vibrators that day, one a simple rotating dildo-like vibe and one with a clitoral attachment. I took them home and was excited but also nervous that I wouldn't know how to use it properly. The truth is, before using my vibrator, I not only hadn't masturbated but I hadn't even touched my genitals, never mind looked at them in close detail. Disregarding small, primitive attempts to masturbate, the only time I touched myself was in the shower and when I had my period. I hadn't really discovered the purpose of my clit, and thus hadn't discovered what an amazing orgasm I could have from it.

When I tried my first vibrator, I was a bit apprehensive about slipping this fairly large tool inside myself... too often with guys I'd let them take the lead and hadn't been the one putting a guy's dick inside me. But I lay down on my back, door locked, naked, and slipped the appliance into my pussy. I turned on the switch and for a moment or two just lay there, unsure of what I should be doing. But then the machine took over, well, my body took over, actually I'm not quite sure which entity was "in charge," but after that point there was no more need to think. And no need to worry: no worrying about whether I would come and accidentally pee on my partner, no worry that someone would be tired of trying to make me come, no worry that I wouldn't come and thus disappoint my partner, no worry that I couldn't tell them how to pleasure me for fear of them being upset. None of those interpersonal tensions that can make sex less than enjoyable. It was all about me, it was my hand controlling the vibrator, deciding whether to tease my clit with a bit more energy or slow it down for an agonizingly tantalizing session. As I began rotating the vibrator, which has a plastic part at the top that massages my clitoris, I let the feeling of it overtake me. I started out fantasizing at the same time, but eventually there was no room in my brain for any kind of thought process. The power of my clit literally took over, it was as if I could see all the thoughts being powerfully pushed away to make room for my orgasms. All I could envision in my head was a mental photograph of how the vibrator looked as it worked its magic. I imagined my clit getting big and swollen and red, and I'd reach down to touch it simultaneously with the vibrator.

When I reached a certain spot, I felt a bolt of pure white heat from my clitoris that went all the way down my body and back. It was as if my whole being was centered in my clit, but it was too powerful for my clit so my clit decided to share that sensation with the rest of me. I'd come before, sure, but never in a way that made my thighs shake and tremble, never in a way that made me feel like I could die at that very moment and be totally content. Before, when a partner had made me come, I'd moaned or screamed, or restrained myself from making any noise, but this orgasm was so utterly intense that it took all the noise right out of my mouth. All I could do was clench my eyes shut and push with my hips to lift my ass off the bed, somehow trying to be closer to the vibrator that was already shoved roughly right up against my skin. It was this animalism, this pure need for the sensations the vibrator was creating, a true climax, as in buildup of tension, that formed, that made it so irresistible. I liked that I could make myself come in a fiery tornado of speed and motion, or I could slow down and tease myself into a longer, yet still utterly satisfying, orgasm. Discovering that I had control over a seemingly infinite realm of orgasmic possibilities made me feel powerful.

If you've never experienced this, I don't know if I can truly convey to you the addictive power of these orgasms. I had a former lover tell me that once I got the vibrator, I'd forget about real dicks forever. Well, he did have a point: my orgasms from my vibrator are completely different than those I have with men or women. But different does not have to mean better or worse, it just means different. And in fact, he had it all wrong: my 2-hour-plus nightly orgasms bouts cause me to become more sexually voracious, to want to try out those fantasies that played in my head while the vibrator fucked me, it made me want to come more, not less. But it did make me see what I'd been missing all those years: not just these explosive orgasms but the fact that I could make them happen for myself!

And for a few months I was "addicted" in a way. Not that I wouldn't have survived without using my vibrator but that I looked forward to it all day and then at night just really let myself go. Part of what thrilled me about the vibrator is that it was all for me and I didn't have to try to please anyone else except myself. If a certain movement or position didn't feel right, I just moved around until I found one I liked better, and the great thing was that I kept finding new things to do that I did like better! Part of what surprised me the most about using a vibrator is that "using a vibrator" didn't just mean inserting this rotating device inside of me; it meant that I could be an active participant and try out new ideas as they occurred to me. The way the vibrator relaxed my body and let me into an almost trancelike state where I didn't have to worry about anything and where everything just felt blissful was a revelation that there could be feelings like this that lasted for a long time, that this wasn't just a one shot deal. Using the vibrator and having that pleasure grant me the freedom to unlock my fantasies, or to discover what fantasies turned me on, made me feel more powerful, made me feel that I could take this energy and creativity unleashed by the vibrator and use it everywhere. It wasn't so much a direct connection, that I just marched into places I'd been terrified of, but using a vibrator has changed me in more ways than just my sexuality. It's made me feel like I have the power to be proactive, to seek out my own solutions and answers and to find my own responses.

Maybe men don't really "get" this experience because they make themselves come from a very early age, but until the age of 17 when a lover licked my cunt quite expertly, I'd never had an orgasm. And here was this machine that was giving me orgasm after orgasm, that was letting my own hand control the intensity, that at times made me move the vibrator away because the sensation was too intense, so intense I thought I'd kick a hole through my wall, so intense that I had to alter my position and curl up on my side, and then get on top of the vibrator so the weight of my body could push it up against me. Rather than make me want to shun men, it made me want to have orgies, it made me want to have a room filled with people watching me use my vibrator, watching me come and wanting part of the action.

By now, I have a very fancy pretty purple Japanese vibrator, that has lovely rolling pearls inside it to stimulate my outer labia, and this one is even bigger than my old one, and turns back and forth and does lots of nice tricks. Now, though, too, I still use my vibrator and still read erotica and still pursue my elaborate fantasies, but perhaps ironically, using the vibrator has taught me how to make myself come just with my hand. The stream of emotions and thoughts and desires ignited in me by my vibrator have truly changed me. Yes, the actual orgasms were truly mind-blowing and amazing, but if that's all I were getting out of the vibrator I wouldn't still return to it for marathon late-night sex sets. What I've learned from my vibrators is that I don't need to be around another person to be horny, and that being around another person, even if we're both naked and all over each other, doesn't mean that I'll necessarily become horny. And neither does sticking a vibrator up my cunt. That is the true power that I think women need to recapture: our bodies, our selves. From using a vibrator I learned to listen to my body and be more responsive to its needs. I learned that my body can tell me things that I couldn't rationally just think about and know the answers to, like what turns me on and what will provide the greatest orgasm for me. Those were things that I had to learn by doing, and through that process I found that I don't "control" my body (nor does it control me), but that my body can help me learn about who I am. I gained control over myself and my actions because I took the time, and a rather long time, to explore my body and my orgasms. It wasn't just buying the vibrator and owning it, but actually discovering that this was something that brought me great pleasure, that changed my outlook. The vibrator taught me that I don't need to rely on someone else to have an orgasm but that I can share my orgasms with other people. It also gave me the courage to be more bold about going after people I like and feeling confident sexually. I believe that the "glow" that I felt after using my vibrator in my marathon sessions gave me a sense that no matter what else was going on, this is something that is mine and for me and is special. That sounds simple but for someone who didn't really believe that before, it was a revelation.

This is my body, not somebody else's, and I don't need a man who thinks he knows all about how to get women off (even if he does) to be my only source of sexual pleasure. I don't need a video, or a boyfriend, or any preconceived ideas about what "sex" is, and I don't even need my vibrator, I just need my own unique magical personality and imagination. That is the knowledge that is truly hidden, the sex secret that all the Cosmos in the world probably won't let you in on. "Sex" or "being sexy" are not terms or things that are "out there" somewhere, we don't need to go seek them out. We can enhance our sexuality through lots of different methods and products and books and videos and other people, sure, and I wouldn't want to be deprived of those things, but those things are all extras, pretty much meaningless if we can't connect to our own bodies.

I think sex can really be anything we want it to be, as long as it comes from our own desires and is something that we want to be doing. To me, that is the beauty of sexuality: there is no one right way to do it. For me, using a vibrator has unlocked so many sexual possibilities and ideas that feel as if they've truly come from my body and from my orgasms. It's made me see sex differently because it's made me aware of myself in ways I wasn't before. I feel truly powerful, physically and spiritually, when I come in waves, when I come over and over, when I use a vibrator to take me to places only it can take me. It's not about simply locking myself away and only using my vibrator, but it's about that time and those emotions and pleasures being my own private delight, my own escape, my own choice. And that is the newfound power and experience I bring to sex and to life: the knowledge that I can create my own destiny and seek my own path. That's made sex not only better but more meaningful.

I don't have a complete definition of what "sex" is, but the sex I want to believe in and celebrate is the kind that gives true enjoyment. I want sex to be something that people are excited about and that is constantly evolving. Not that people should try new things just to try new things, but that people see that sex and their own sexuality can change over time and does not have to depend on what someone else wants, but on whatever you as an individual want. I'm not talking touch-feely tantric sex or all sweetness and light and vanilla and missionary positions; the sex I'm talking about can be obtained with your hand or with a whip or with a dick or with a pussy or with your brain.

The sex I'm talking about is the kind where you don't have to think about it, you don't have to wonder "am I doing this right?," you don't have to wonder about anything because you know, it's just there, a feeling that wells up from your erogenous zones and permeates your whole being, that brings with it serenity and happiness and the feeling that you are now complete, that all that you've ever been searching for it right there, in your bed or on your dining room table or car or on a mountain or wherever it is that you're having this sexual moment. That is sex, at least my version of it, and now that I've had it, no one can take it away from me.